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Tell Me a Joke!


#1

During show and tell in Ms. Right’s kindergarten class, each student stood to tell a story and the moral of the story afterwards. Little Susie stood up first: “My brother and I were at the farm house gathering eggs. We filled our entire basket with hen’s eggs and made our way to the house. On our way back, some of the eggs fell out of the basket and broke.” Ms. Right said, “That’s a nice story, Susie…so what’s the moral of the story?” “Don’t put all your eggs into one basket.”, replied little Susie. “Very good, Susie!” said Ms. Right, “Who’s up next?”. Little Betty stood up next: “My father had plans for all the new baby chickens that were to hatch last spring. He had made room for 11 new baby chickens in the farm house. But he was surprised to find out that only 8 baby chickens had actually hatched instead.” “That’s an interesting story, Betty. What’s the moral of the story?”, asked Ms. Right. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”, replied little Betty. “Very good job, Betty! Who’s up next?”, said Ms. Right. Little Johnnie then took his stand as everyone waited to hear his story:



“Uncle Bob was in the Korean War. He was in the middle of the air as he and his crew were being shot at from below by the Koreans. Bullets plunged through the plane tearing his crew into pieces. The gun fire killed them all except for Uncle Bob. The final gun blast tore the engine apart, caught the plane on fire, and had sent it heading nose first towards the ground below him. The plane started ripping apart as it continuously picked up more and more speed as it got closer to hitting the ground. Out of his last moments of despair, he grabbed his parachute from the plane and his bottle of tequila. He drank the entire bottle of tequila in one breath, put on his parachute, and jumped out the plane. He ripped open his parachute and watched his plane and entire crew explode as it hit the ground. There where dozens of Koreans below him firing their weapons at him as he slowly floated down to his ultimate death. He took out his pistol and fired his last few rounds at them, blowing a few of their heads off. He finally made it to the ground as the rest of them charged him with knifes. The first one came at him and Uncle Bob snapped his neck in two. He then took the Korean’s knife from him and jabbed the next guy in the throat, slicing out his Adam’s apple. Another one snuck up behind him, but Uncle Bob decapitated him with one quick swipe of his knife. Left and right he was tearing off limbs from Korean soldiers in a desperation to save his own life. By the time he was finished killing all twelve of the Korean soldiers, he was drenched in blood, guts, and sweat from the 140º weather. Dismembered corpses surrounded the ground around him as he let out a earth shattering roar of rage that echoed throughout the entire village.” The entire class was speechless. After a moment Ms. Right finally responded. “Wow, Johnnie! That was an INCREDIBLE story! But, what’s the moral of the story?” Little Johnnie replied, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Bob when he’s drank tequila.”


#2

Heard this on Car Talk



An attorney name Dewey was faced with a moral dillema. He and his partner ran a lawfirm. They charged everyone a hundred dollars an hour. One day he saw a guy about his divorce case. The meeting lasted an hour and afterwards the man gave Dewey a hundred dollar bill. After the man had left, Dewey realized the man actually gave him 2 one hundred dollar bills that were stuck together, and this is where the moral dillema came into place. He wondered, “should I tell my partner or not?”


#3

He’s an old fav:



Bob, head of the corporation, was beginning to realize just how tight the budget had actually become. He had to fire someone on the “lower-end”; Sally or Jack. He first approached Sally that morning: “Sally I’ve got a problem here and it comes down to me either laying you or Jack off.”. Sally replied, “Well, you better jack off because I have a headache.”


#4

Haha, looking at your banner I just remembered one that Tony told, watched the episode just recently:



/to some might be a spoiler, as it’s funny the way he tells it/



A rich man and a poor man happen to have their wedding anniversaries at the same day. They discuss what they bought for their wives. The rich man says “I got my wife a brand new Mercedes and a diamond ring.” The poor guy asks “What did you get both for?”, the rich guy replies: “Well, in case she doesn’t like the ring, she can still return it to the shop in a brand new Mercedes.” The poor guy then says: “I also got two gifts for my wife, a pair of slippers and a dildo.” The rich guy asks: “Why a pair of slippers and a dildo?” The poor guy says: “If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”


#5

Haha - I believe he told that one to Big Pussy :wink:


#6

[quote=“ThaDuke”]
Haha - I believe he told that one to Big Pussy :wink:
[/quote]

Exactly


#7

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

"9/11"

“9/11 who?”

“What, you forgot already??”





…too soon?


#8

[quote=“visualsynergy”]
“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

"9/11"

“9/11 who?”

“What, you forgot already??”





…too soon?
[/quote]

Hahaha - yeah…I’d say too soon. But funny in a shocking way :smiley:


#9

[quote=“visualsynergy”]
“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

"9/11"

“9/11 who?”

“What, you forgot already??”





…too soon?
[/quote][quote=“ThaDuke”]
Hahaha - yeah…I’d say too soon. But funny in a shocking way :smiley:
[/quote]
Definitely shocking. Definitely funny.


#10

Two guys are traveling towards the next town on a new job they are assigned to. The passenger tell the driver to pull over; he has to take a shit. The guy pulls the truck over next to a bridge. The guys runs under the bridge and the other waits for him to return. Several minutes pass and the guy waiting yells out: “Hey! What’s taking so long down there!?” “I’ve got nothing to wipe with!” The guy responds. “Do you have a dollar on you?” “Yeah” “Well, use that!”. Several more minutes pass and the guy finally returns from under the bridge covered in shit. “Oh my God! What happened to you?” The guy responds: “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with three quaters, two dimes, and a nickel…?”


#11

hahaha!



An old lady walks into a bank and goes into the boss’ office. She tells him she wants to get an account with 25 million dollars on it. The boss goes:

-“Yeah, sure, we’ll be glad to take care of your money. But…may I ask where you got so much money from? What business were you in?”

-“Of course! I bet a lot, you know…”

-“You earned 25 millions by betting?”

-“Sure did.”

-"What kind of bet did you do?"

The old lady goes:

-"Hey, let’s try one: I bet you a grand that your nuts are square-shaped."

The boss, quite surprised:

-“But my nuts AREN’T square. They’re perfectly normal.”

-“Then are you ready to make that bet with me?”

-“Well, I guess…do you really mean a grand? One thousand dollars?”

-“Sure do! I’ll be there tomorrow morning, 11 o’clock, with my lawyer. Just strip down in front of us, and let me examine your balls. If they are square like I said, you’ll own me a grand. If not, I’ll own you a grand.”



The boss spends the night playing with his nuts, checking them from every possible angle. They really don’t look square. They look like balls.



The next morning, the old lady shows up with her lawyer. They walk into the boss’ office, the boss gets up from his chair and starts to strip down. The old lady kneels down and takes his balls. After a looooooooong minute of examinating them, she declares:

-"Your nuts are not square. You won."

And she hands him ten hundreed-dollar-bills. Then she walks out with her lawyer, she’s smiling.



A week later, the old lady is in the bank lobby, she brings some extra cash she earned. The boss sees her and calls her in his office. He goes:

-"Would you please be kind to explain me…?"

And the old lady, really sweet:

-“Sure would. I told my lawyer I could walk into your office, and that you would strip down and give me your nuts. He didn’t believe me, and now he owns me 10 000 bucks.”


#12

What did the lady say to Micheal Jackson at the beach?







Would you mind getting out of my son???!!!


#13

[quote=“Knoxville Kingpin”]
What did the lady say to Micheal Jackson at the beach?

Would you mind getting out of my son???!!!
[/quote]
LMFAO


#14

You have to say this joke - and not read it:



what does michael jackson like aobut twenty seven year olds?



there’s twenty of them!


#15

[quote=“Tristan”]
Definitely shocking. Definitely funny.
[/quote]

I heard that at the last mc chris concert I went to. He’s a God among mere nerds.


#16

[quote=“Kilgore Trout”]
You have to say this joke - and not read it:



what does michael jackson like aobut twenty seven year olds?



there’s twenty of them!
[/quote]
damn! pretty funny!



another one, definitely gross and based on a french proverb:

-What’s MJ’s dick’s name?

-Truth, because(here is the proverb) Truth comes right out of children’s mouthes.



I dunno if this proverb exists in english too.


#17

What is the difference between acne and Micheal Jackson?

Acne doesn’t “come” on your face until you are 13.



Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

A. Got 2 fives for a 10?


#18

[quote=“Kilgore Trout”]
Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

A. Got 2 fives for a 10?
[/quote]
LMFAO, but…what the hell? is WA a mothafucka too? DAMN! I didn’t know…


#19

[quote=“Tristan”]
LMFAO, but…what the hell? is WA a mothafucka too? DAMN! I didn’t know…
[/quote]

Not really, it’s what people who’ve seen Manhattan where his character dates a 14 year old girl say.


#20

awwww…OK

I’m no big Woody Allen fan anyway…