What do you think, it’s a crime/action/kung-fu movie. What do you think, this is just the opening scene. Keep in mind of 12 years old. I copy and pasted it so the dialouge should be in the middle but it’s not, in the script it is so don’t complain about that.
INTRO. EL PASO TEXAS DESERT (DAY)
The screen is BLACK. Suddenly a trunk opens revealing three men, grabbing
something from inside. The sun shines brightly, the audience can tell it’s
a very hot day. The three men, are all around thirty, and are all dressed in
black suits with no ties. The one in the middle is OWEN, the leader. He is
bald and has a small, scrummy beard. The one to his right is ALEX, he has
black hair, and is dressed the same as OWEN. The one to OWEN’s right is JAK.
JAK is almost identical to ALEX, except JAK has shorter hair. The three pull
45 MAGNUMs from the back of the trunk. After each as retrieved their gun they
stand back up. Each begins putting MAGAZINES in their guns.
ALEX
So what did JACKY have to say?
OWEN
He got me this girl, MIA.
ALEX
He got us a girl?
OWEN
Yeah, but JACKY says she’s a cold blooded
killer.
JAK
Is she hot?
OWEN (laughs)
Well, I’m told she’s not that bad looking.
ALEX
So what’s her name again?
OWEN gets his magazine in his gun. He pulls the
top back.
OWEN
MIA.
JAK
I’m not too sure about hiring a woman.
ALEX
Why not?
JAK
You can’t trust them.
OWEN
But it was your idea to hire KATEY.
JAK becomes a little EMBARRESSED and SHY.
JAK
Well… we know KATEY, we can trust her. This MIA chick,
we don’t, well atleast I don’t know any fucking thing about
her. KATEY I know.
ALEX gets his magazine in his MAGNUM. He also pulls the
top back.
ALEX
KATEY’s an asshole.
ALEX puts his GUN back in the trunk he bends over in front
of the CAMARA, leaving a bit of it BLACK. He stands back up.
ALEX (cont’d)
And has JACKY ever gotten us someone we can’t trust,
or count on.
OWEN
JACKY said she was the best of the best.
ALEX
There you go JAK, she’s the best of the best.
JAK loads in his MAGAZINE and puts in in the
TRUNK. The gun lands on the CAMARA so a little
corner of the screen is covered in BLACK.
For a little while the TRIO stays silent.
JAK
So, when are we doing this?
OWEN
Three days.
ALEX
This is the first time I’ll say “I can’t wait” for
a job.
OWEN
ALEX, we all can’t wait for this job.
JAK
When are we going to meet this MIA
girl?
OWEN
Tomorrow, I’m making her go meet this ERNIE
guy, he can give us a little more info on the
MOTEL.
JAK
Who the hells ERNIE?
OWEN
ERNIE was a good friend with JOHN, he probably knows
more on the cash then anyone. DANNY knows him pretty
well too.
ALEX
Does he live near the MOTEL?
OWEN
No, no. No one does. Infact nothing does. It’s
the perfect scene for a BLOODY MASSACRE.
OWEN bends over in the trunk. He kneels over covering the center
of the CAMARA, making it black. He stands pack up revealing a
briefcase. He opens it. The back of the case is facing the CAMARA
so we do not see whats inside. OWEN closes it and puts it back in
the TRUNK.
OWEN
It’s empty.
OWEN opens the sleeve of his shirt and pulls out
a pack of CIGS. He pulls one out and lights it
with a lighter he grabs from his pucket. He takes
a puff.
OWEN (to ALEX)
We could fit those shotguns you wanted
in their.
JAK
I think we should stick with our MAGNUMS. That’s
what we always have.
ALEX (to JAK)
Shut the fuck up you pussy.
OWEN
JAK, were dealing with DANNY, you’ve
only worked with DAN for maybe two years,
me and ALEX, have worked with him for atleast
seven. He’s like our father, we know everything
about him, and one thing we know about DANIEL
BLONDE, is that he don’t take shit from nobody.
And if you try to put shit in his way, he’s
gonna have to fuck with you. Now DANNY, he’s
the master of fucking people up. Now, you can
stick with your MAGNUM, but if you do, your gonna
have to worry about getting your brains blown
out by DANNY.
JAK
Listen OWEN, I don’t wanna get in a fight with
you, if you wanna use SHOTGUNS, we’ll use shotguns.
OWEN
Good, then thats settled. Are we all ready for
the JOB?
ALEX
Yep.
OWEN
Good, it didn’t take too long. But this one we
had to prett prepared for. We know who were dealing
with, DANNY’s our ex-partner and our old friend. We
know he’s a bad ass, and we know he’s a bad ass we
gotta take care of. This isn’t one by BRIAN or JACKY,
this is one we started. We know how important it is,
this is pay back. This isn’t just for the cash. Now
lets just get out of here, wait for a call from MIA
tomorrow, recruite everyone else, and we’ll go to
the DANNY. ROUNTIN’ BOOTS MOTEL doesn’t have a clue,
what its in for.
OWEN shuts the truck. Leaving the screen BLACK. The
credits roll.
Here’s my take.
The beginning paragraph is confusing. Your details are wrapped around each other. You don’t need to mention their ages unless it is pertinent to the story line. Or if you are mentioning the lead character.
Try this -----
Black Screen
A truck door opens with a clang, revealing three men inside. Each wearing identical black suits with no ties. One of the men OWEN, (30) bald (more description needed here like body type). On his left is ALEX, black hair ( again with the description) and JAK who could be Alex’s twin if not for the shorter hair.
The three pull .45 Magnums from the truc and begin to load them with magazines.
---------------
Remember keep it short and sweet. I’m not gonna touch the dialogue because that’s your property. The audience has to find out the Owen is the leader by his actions and his dialogue. Not because you say so.
Thanks, I will definetly take your advice for the 3rd draft, I’m too close to being done the second.
Very intriguing. Just fix all those grammatical errors.
A bit over the top with quentin references. If one of the recruits is pals with Danny and this ends in a mexican stand off I will be sorely dissapointed. Especially if its Mia, aka one of the men fall in love with her and cant believe shes the rat yada yada.
Katey should be a bitch or a cunt but not an asshole. Its awkward sounding.
Heres a basic plot outline, the scene might make a little more sense.
Daniel Blonde, a retired 39 year old hit-man, is now the owner of Routin’ Boots Motel. A motel found in the lonely desert of El Paso, Texas. Danny, lives in the motel, with his lone co-worker and possible son, Stanley. Soon Danny is confronted by a few of his old hit-men friends, he had betrayed years ago. Owen, Jak and Alex attempt to steal a safe, that is said to be hidden in the walls of the motel. Although Danny, who has been searching for the money for years, fights back. The trio (Owen, Jak and Alex) bring in a force of hit men and woman. Mia, the top-female assasin, Ben, a computer hacking wizz, Katey, a young female hit-woman, and three teen safe hackers, Sean, Johnny and Dean. Two teen girl guests in the motels, Sarah and Amy are also trying to break out of the gunfire of Danny, Owen and his gang. Stanley tries to help get the teens out of the Motel, while Danny stays battling for the cash, which he believes is rightfully his.
I meant to put a few QT references in the scene. Of course the drunk shot, and where Dannys last name was Blonde (of course that would only be reference if I could get Micheal Maddsenn to play the role).
I say be totally original. Change the names. You can be inspired and all, but please be your own writer.
Well, I agree with you but I feel a few references in movies are needed. The people at IMDB need something to write about. I keep my plot original, making references to other movies in your plot, thats ripping off, but names making references to other movies I don’t feel is quiet as bad. Maybe I’ll have OWEN shut the trunk earlier, and then it just cuts out of the trunk shot, it will be less of a reference.
[quote=“WeaselCo”]
Very intriguing. Just fix all those grammatical errors.
A bit over the top with quentin references. If one of the recruits is pals with Danny and this ends in a mexican stand off I will be sorely dissapointed. Especially if its Mia, aka one of the men fall in love with her and cant believe shes the rat yada yada.
Katey should be a bitch or a cunt but not an asshole. Its awkward sounding.
[/quote]
Don’t worry, no ones a rat (Reservoir Dogs), and it won’t end in a mexican standoff, but it will be very gruesome and gory. Only __ people survive at the end. But I am very proud, I’m twelve, and this is my second script.
Be proud ! You should be. I didn’t know you’re 12, that’s some great shit for your age. I thought you were older.
great man! keep up the good work and keep coming back here to get some good advice!
wish I started out at your age! keep it up! 
are you planning on filming anything?
Thanks, I feel so gifted. :
This is why kids need to watch QT movies, it matures them.
Yeah. Most parents probably would say that there is too much bad language. I got something to say to them. Fuck them. My parents were cool about it though. One of my first ever movies that I remember watching is Clerks. CLERKS FOR GODS SAKE.
I own every QT movie but Pulp Fiction, its the one my parents have the problem with. But I bought the SE off my friend 4 20 bucks secretly.
Why Pulp?
By the way, keep up the good work. I’m there when that movie comes out in theaters.
[quote=“QT Fan”]
Why Pulp?
[/quote]
Too much cussing. And drug use. My mom dont care shit about the violence. I own Reservoir Dogs but my mom has never watched it. If she did she probably ban me from ever seeing it again.
Is there any more language in Pulp than there is in RD. I mean RD has the whole dick,dick,dick,dick,dick,dick,dick thing. I dot think there is any reason not to Pulp just because of language.
That’s great for being 12 man, keep it up. I agree also, it does mature you a lot.
Its such a good screenplay for 12 man. You keep writng them and I’ll keep reading them.