I thought it was very good, regardless of your age. A couple things stood out to me though. One of them is a formatting issue, its something I use to do all the time untill I took a screenwriting class this summer. Aparently it’s proper formatting to only capitalize a character’s name when they are first introduced in a scene. After that you shouldn’t capitalize it. Also don’t use any special formattin in dialogue (use capitalized some things in the characters dialogue, don’t do that). But that’s just formatting BS, here’s a few things about your actual writing;
this line seemed to come out of nowhere, (could be because we don’t know the character yet) [quote=“CopperHead”]
ALEX (to JAK)
Shut the fuck up you pussy.
[/quote]
these two paragraphs feel like story telling for the audience, but not natural dialogue. I would just say trim them down a bit and be moer vague. All these guys no what he’s talking about so he wouldn’t be so specific. [quote=“CopperHead”]
OWEN
JAK, were dealing with DANNY, you’ve
only worked with DAN for maybe two years,
me and ALEX, have worked with him for atleast
seven. He’s like our father, we know everything
about him, and one thing we know about DANIEL
BLONDE, is that he don’t take shit from nobody.
And if you try to put shit in his way, he’s
gonna have to fuck with you. Now DANNY, he’s
the master of fucking people up. Now, you can
stick with your MAGNUM, but if you do, your gonna
have to worry about getting your brains blown
out by DANNY.
OWEN
Good, it didn’t take too long. But this one we
had to prett prepared for. We know who were dealing
with, DANNY’s our ex-partner and our old friend. We
know he’s a bad ass, and we know he’s a bad ass we
gotta take care of. This isn’t one by BRIAN or JACKY,
this is one we started. We know how important it is,
this is pay back. This isn’t just for the cash. Now
lets just get out of here, wait for a call from MIA
tomorrow, recruite everyone else, and we’ll go to
the DANNY. ROUNTIN’ BOOTS MOTEL doesn’t have a clue,
what its in for.
[/quote]
but like I said…typed this is good stuff, regardless of your age. I had to be pretty nit-pickey to give you some helpful feedback. The fact that you’re 12 is awesome, keep writing.
Shut the fuck up you pussy.
[/quote]
I like this line because it describes to things, JAK is a little bit of a coward and is shy, and that ALEX doesn’t really like him. It won’t seem so out of no where when you really get into the character of ALEX.
Oh look delievery mans back! Atleast, I think he left, I haven’t seen him post much in awhile, anyways tell me what you think of this, for a 12 year old.
Ok, I’m going to pick my words carefully, because I don’t want to discourage you.
You’re only twelve and you could write a lot better than me when I was twelve. Anyway.
I would suggest that you start reading a lot of professionally written screenplays, to help you better understand the rhythm and flow that helps a screenplay read like a "screenplay."
Simply the main problem with your screenplay, and considered a classic beginner mistake is: There’s too much of people talking and not enough of people doing stuff.
There’s simply not enough action going on. You want to at least throw in action between dialogue. Y’know, someone takes a drag of a cigarette, someone cracks their knuckles and chuckles slightly, etc.
Just start reading a lot, that’s the only way you’ll improve, along with practice. However, if you don’t know what you’re doing wrong, you’ll keep on making the same mistake over and over again, no matter how much practice you put in.
[quote=“WeaselCo”]
Very intriguing. Just fix all those grammatical errors.
A bit over the top with quentin references. If one of the recruits is pals with Danny and this ends in a mexican stand off I will be sorely dissapointed. Especially if its Mia, aka one of the men fall in love with her and cant believe shes the rat yada yada.
Katey should be a bitch or a cunt but not an asshole. Its awkward sounding.
[/quote]
Ha, i loved it when they called her an asshole, i actually laughed. A woman can be called an asshole too, i call men bitches and cunts all the time.
ANywoo, im extremly shocked that your 12, i liked it anyways, but that jsut impressed me even more. Great work!
Haha El Paso. That was the name of a town in a script of mine too. Wherever someone has to think of a name fore a mexican village they think of El Paso.
[quote=“plunderbunnie”]
Ha, i loved it when they called her an asshole, i actually laughed. A woman can be called an asshole too, i call men bitches and cunts all the time.
ANywoo, im extremly shocked that your 12, i liked it anyways, but that jsut impressed me even more. Great work!
[/quote]
Well in the film Katey’s the one that fucks everything up.
[quote=“porkfriedrice”]
Wherever someone has to think of a name fore a mexican village they think of El Paso.
[/quote]
There’s a song called ‘El Paso’, “I see the white puff of smoke from the rifle, I feel the bullet go deep in my chest.” That might have something to do with the popular use of the name.
yeah i liked it, but as it has been mentioned, dont capitalise after you first mention a character and i never capitalise in speech, only when introducing a character in description.
lol every kid should watch QT films. My parents never gave a fuck, most of the time they watched the films with me, and i turned out just fine. I come from Australia, the kind of country that swears on prime time television and doesnt consider cussing in Australian films as a cause for giving films a higher rating. My teachers swore dammit! Plus, if you watch Australian films, you’ll see how much we love sex and nudity in films…
The weird thing is though, i could watch anything i wanted and now i mostly do arthouse and romance… but i love violence to death…violence always has a place in film.
Kids should watch fucked up films!!!
…my films are set in Sydney lol cause i am Australian…
Just to point out, the talking before violence. Like it’s a normal day has been done. By Tarantino. You need to make your own style.
Also, the plot is almost the same as Kill Bill, a king fu, crime, action film with betrayal, and thems coming back. Your too Tarantino, and thats bad. Very bad.
Your 12, so thats ok. But you need your own style, your like a bad tarantino at the moment., Too much copyright.
I hate when people say, “You dont need to be like Tarantino. You need your own style” You think Tarantino’s style is original!? I like Quentin as much as the next guy but he copies from other directors and the dialogue thing was done before Tarantino and everything else was done before Tarantino. So if you say your copying Tarantino’s style then your actually saying that your copying everybody else which is bullshit
[quote=“QT Fan”]
I hate when people say, “You dont need to be like Tarantino. You need your own style” You think Tarantino’s style is original!? I like Quentin as much as the next guy but he copies from other directors and the dialogue thing was done before Tarantino and everything else was done before Tarantino. So if you say your copying Tarantino’s style then your actually saying that your copying everybody else which is bullshit
[/quote]
Exactly. Tarantino makes movies to pay tribute to other movies.
I don’t care if you sound like tarantino but does every screenplay in here have to involve criminals and a “JOB”. I mean you are writing not directing so make it as big as you want to. If you don’t blow peoples fucking minds nobody is going to make your screenplay into a movie.
[quote=“WeaselCo”]
I don’t care if you sound like tarantino but does every screenplay in here have to involve criminals and a “JOB”. I mean you are writing not directing so make it as big as you want to. If you don’t blow peoples fucking minds nobody is going to make your screenplay into a movie.
[/quote]
Im working on a screenplay, and it involves crime, but thats not the centre peice, i guess youd say. Its more a critigue on how people react to societys rules. Theres no “job” or things like that. I love Quentin, but im doing my own thing.
