Oh my God, yesterday I stared blankly into the Face of Evil, and its name was Uwe Boll!
I already knew I was about to watch a really bad movie, but I thought it’d be at least entertaining, you know, the stuff, that’s so bad it’s kinda good, due to some unintentionally funny scenes, but “Alone in the dark” was just, well, crap.
C(!) R(!) A(!) P(!)
All the time I was like “WTF, this guy has absolutely no idea about telling a story, let alone, character-development or athmosphere.” The CGI looked fake, the action was lame as well, only the fight with Taxi-Man Gone Postal in the beginning had a little entertainment-value, but afterwards it was just WTF to the max. And what’s the matter with the huge introduction text? It already told you everything what was supposed to be in The Big Reveal at the end of the movie. And what’s the point in casting Tara Reid, if she doesn’t step out of her panties at least once? I mean, come on, she can’t act for $hit. What was I supposed to think? “Oh my god, she wears her hair in a tight bun and she’s got glasses, man, she looks soooo smart, I bet she’s some kind of kick-ass Archeologist-Doctor, otherwise she wouldn’t wear glasses in the first place or have her hair tied back in a tight bun!” I mean, Come On. All she had to do was looking at some Mysteriously Random Signs and say: "It’s Abkani!"
The Big Showdown sucked, too. No End-Boss, no thrilling twist, no fight, no explosion, just Stephen Dorff shooting at nothing in the Big Scary Black Cave while having a look on his face like he’s holding back a huge load of diarrhea.
What an utter waste of my precious time and money!