The Quentin Tarantino Archives logo

THE KENTUCKY FRIED STORY or THE ADD ON STORY


#1

Hey Tarantino fans, I thought Id start a post that we ALL can contribute to. I call it “The Kentucky Fried Story”.



"What the hell is the Kentucky Fried Story Vic?!"



Well, its a endless story we can all contribute to. One of us will start the story. You can write as much as you want, or as little as you want. Write 5 paragraphs or write a sentence. The story can transcend genres too. It can be everything from comedy to drama to horror to sci fi to kung fu to blaxploitation to samurai to western, etc. Its anything and everything you want to add to it. Ive done these before and theyre alot of fun once they get rolling.



So in between talking about Kill Bill and QT and movies etc. We can do this too.



Here we go, after this you begin the story, try to be cool and have fun with it:





ONCE UPON A TIME IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY…


#2

…IN A LONELY TRAILER IN A DESERT WASTELAND OUTSIDE AUSTIN, TEXAS. THERE LIVED A MAN…


#3

…his name was Hugo. Hugo was a big fatty who liked to make his own beef jerky. Hugo liked to drive around on his dune buggy out in the desert too. One day he was driving and he saw something…


#4

… he stopped the buggy and exited his vehicle. He took his shades off and looked at it. He blinked his eyes. He couldn’t believe it. He stood there for about 2 minutes without moving. Just staring at it…


#5

…lying there in the sand, there was a big, coffeesmudged stack of paper, being playfully fondled by the light afternoon breeze. The first page of the stack said “Kill Bill - shooting draft”…suddenly, out of nowhere, a man in a long black trenchcoat appeared. He looked like a slightly obese version of Patrick Swayze…


#6

…Before Patrick Swayze’s Obese Clone could blink, Hugo grabbed the stack of paper, hopped back in his dune buggy and raced off across the desert. Patrick Swayze clone growled as he watched Hugo take off with the prize. Patrick Swayze’s Obese Clone then pulled out a cellphone from his leather trenchcoat. He dialed a number and called his crew up. The crew were a band of ex-cons and wanderers. They were called “The Hack Pack”. Patrick Swayze’s Obese Clone wanted that script, he needed it for his own dastardly plans.



As Hugo screamed across the desert in his DUNE Buggy, he held onto the chunk of paper with a tight grip. Then, like a case of the runs after an ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET at Taco Bell, 5 vehicles appeared coming up from behind Hugo. They looked like a bunch of crazy '88 Ford Broncos all tricked out with rollbars and what seemed to be machine guns on the sides. Hugo felt his heart beating faster. He knew that he couldnt let the Patrick Swayze’s Obese Clone and his crew get their hands on the ‘KILL BILL’ document…


#7

…so he fastened the seat belt around his PRECIOUS, and to the sound of DUNE BUGGY he steps on the gas. With roaring engine he starts away, tightly followed by SWAYZE-CLONE’S 11…


#8

…Hugo looked back and saw that the Hack Pack consisted of, amongst others, a slightly paler clone of Corey Feldman, a slightly older clone of Emilio Estevez and a slightly more talented clone of Piper Perabo…


#9

…Hugo didnt know it, but he was starting off an adventure that would take him around the world.  Hugo punched the gas again on the DUNE buggy and roared faster, meanwhile The Hack Pack were gaining on him.



Closeups of The Hack Pack:



Ching- Chang (Corey Feldman clone): a Mongolian kung fu master. He can kill you with his “Chopsticks of Death”.



Juan Jalapeno (Emilio Estevez clone): A Mexican from the mountains of Southern Mexico. This guy is one crazy hombre.



Ivan The Stinker: From the cold wastelands of Siberia. Ivan can kill anyone just by farting in their direction. He lives on a steady diet of Russian cabbage and Vodka.



Molly Hatchett (the slightly more talented Piper Perabo clone): This bitch dont fool around. Her breasts are covered with steel and if she gets you in a tit-lock, your out of luck.



The Chef: Before you die, he cooks you a "Last Supper"



Patrick Swayze Clone was known as “Bay”. Noone knew his first name.



Hugo was hungry, so he took out his beef jerky and started to eat. If he was gonna get away from these guys, he was gonna have to do it on a full stomach…


#10

…then suddenly something jumped in his mind… his flux compensator. he could just travel to the time where he’d already escaped from them…


#11

…The Flux Capacitor was a great idea from Back To The Future, one of Hugos favorite movies, but, alas, he didnt have one up and running since he was only a poor janitor who lived in a trailer in the desert.



The Hack Pack was gaining closer and closer to Hugos DUNE buggy. He began to weave the vehicle to remain out of touch of the fiends chasing him. Pretty soon they were right next to him, Hugo knew he was in trouble. Ching Chang, The Mongol jumped onto Hugos DUNE buggy and started to choke Hugo. Hugo then reached into his pocket and pulled a large chunk of sharp beef jerky out and jabbed it hard into Ching Changs neck. Ching Chang yelped “AIEEEEEEEE!!!” and fell off the buggy.



BA-BUMP! BA-BUMP! BA-BUMP!



Hugo looked in his rearview mirror and saw the Hack Pack run over Ching Changs body like some raccoon in the middle of a highway. They didnt care about Ching Chang, they just wanted that script…


#12

… as the DUNE buggy climbed down a DUNE, suddenly something moved under them… a big noise filled the air… and both the DUNE buggy, Hugo, and some of his enemies were suddenly DROWNING in sand, as a HUGE MOTHERFUCKING SAND WORM swallowed them all at once… the worm had a “clarence & alabama” tatoo on his back, though…



…surrounded by darkness and acid smells… Hugo tried to orientate…


#13

…but then… just as Hugo started to get his shit together he heard a ROARING. Godzilla appeared from somewhere, a huge “sponsored by Coca Cola” on his tail…



…then…



…WOAH… he wakes up. Hugo finds himself inside his DUNE Buggy… doomed from a huge fucking cliff right in the middle of nowhere. That one hack pack guy lies 3 metres next to the buggy… or at least half of that guy. His face turns into a “what the fuck happened”.



His eyes blink… he seems to remember…

His eyes blink again… how long has he been lying here? What happened to the rest of the Hack Pack? What happened to him? did he jump off that cliff with his buggy? did the others think he’s dead?



He turns around, before he even thinks about the huge wound on his head, he reaches for the seat belt and the other seat… WHERE IS THE SCRIPT??



The script was gone… Now he felt the pain… he lets out a scream…



“I am going to kill every motherfucking last one of those goddamn motherfuckers… i am gonna get that script, no matter what, no matter how much it takes…” he sais to himself…


#14

…Hugo punches himself in the balls. How could he start daydreaming like that in the middle of a Mad Max style chase with those crazy Hack Packers? He didnt know, he just shook his head in disbelief.



Now he HAD to get the Script back. It wasnt supposed to be in the hands of a Scag like “Bay”. Hugo walked slowly over to the half of Ching Chang that was left near him. In Ching Changs mouth, a note hangs out saying "HO-HO-HO, NOW I HAVE THE SCRIPT"



Hugo looked through Ching Changs jacket and found something. Two shiny metal chopsticks, with the words “TO CHING CHANG, FROM WING WANG, YOUR TWIN BROTHER” engraved on each one. These chopsticks were deadly, but Hugo didnt know, so he saved them for his next cup of noodles.



The time was at hand, Hugo knew what he had to do, it was time to retrieve that beloved script from the hands of “Bay” and return it to its rightful owner…


#15

…and prevent it from becoming “BAD BOYS 2 - The dudes that survived PEARL HARBOR and got put on THE ROCK”. He shivered at that thought…


#16

…Hugo was getting more angry at the thought of that wonderful story getting into the hands of a non imagination having doofus like “Bay”.



Hugo gathered up his belongings and began to walk back to his trailer (which was in Austin, TX, in a galaxy far far away). Hugo scratched his head.



Hugo arrived back at his trailer and began to pack for his adventure to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant, no wait, thats Raiders of the Lost Ark, to retreive the lost script entitled “KILL BILL”. He knew only HE could save it from the hands of Bay, the talentless schmuck that had only one plan for it: To turn it into a Musical, complete with lyrics and songs composed by Kenny G. It was gonna be very very bad if Hugo didnt get that beloved chunk of paper back…


#17

…so in order to make himself feel better he whipped out a fatty blunt, lit it up, and…


#18

put in an old tape of the Lost Boys which hed originally hired from a video store,but had forgotten to return it.Perhaps it wasnt so much the fact that he had ‘forgotten’ to return it,but more so that he didnt want to.Hugo was a big fan of Young Guns,but wasnt too familiar with Sutherlands other work.When he went down to this video store,some young film geek who seemed to know more than he really should,recommended this vamp flick



(flashback to young film geek chatting to Hugo about the Lost Boys.The geek rants on about the Lost Boys,while Hugo picks bits of jerky out of his teeth.Little does the audience know,that Hugo will be reunited with this former geek,and over when he captures the Kill Bill script)



Just as the movie has started,the doors fly open and Hugo drops a jar of vegemite on his white shorts.Two brothers who look strangely like Sean Penn and Chris Penn casually walk in and take off their berets.The older brother who looks like Sean Penn,is named Sam and is slightly retarded.They see hugo smoking a joint,and asks Hugo for a 10 bag.Hugo gets up,annoyed and wiping vegemite stains off his white lacoste shorts,"fuck guys,Im trying to watch the fucking Lost Boys here,I dont even know what the fuck $10 worth looks like"



Hugo goes over to a box where he keeps his weed.On the top is a sticker which reads’Tight Bro’s From Way Back’ - Hugos favourite band,which is what AC/DC would sound like if you gave em a line of speed and a Bad Brains record.Hugo stops unlocking the box and pauses,“no,you know what,Im always helping you guys out,and you never do shit for me.I need your help,theres this script”…


#19

…after explaining the odd situation to the brothers, they had to talk it over in private with one another. While they talked outside the trailer, Hugo lit up another J and sipped his Big Gulp (strawberry mango from 7-11). Hugo had to have one last toke time to himself before he went on the journey of all journeys to recover the beloved script from Bay and his Hack Pack. Hugo knew he needed the brothers’ help, he hoped they would join him in the quest.



Suddenly the trailer door opened up, and Sam and his brother Dave appeared. They sat down and looked at Hugo. Hugo took a hit off his joint and said in a choked voice “So? Whats it gonna be?” Sam smiled and said “We’re in”.



Hugo stood up and said “Alright boys (COUGH) LETS GO TO WORK”



(musical que of the speed metal sounds of “Tight Bros From Way Back”)



Sam and Dave started to help gather the rest of Hugo’s belongings…


#20

First,he packed 5 of his finest Fred Perry polo shirts.Despite being typical white american trash,Hugo had a desire for all clothing which epitomized the style of British mod culture



Hugo struggles to fold up his bed,and clamps a hand over his hunched back - “hey you two,come over ere and help me lift this,I g…” - Hugo is cut off by Sam who rests his arm on Daves shoulder,and continues to check up on Dave in a paternal manner,these bros are tight,"yeah yeah weve heard it 1076 times now,you gotta bad back.You dont gotta keep reminding us.We go way back"



The 3 push up the bed with ease,and a sheet of dust blows in their face.Sam coughs from the dust.The dust gradually clears to unvail an impressive arsenal of weapons which are strapped to the underneath of the bed,which is now propped up against the wall.



Sam and Dave are speechless.Sam has this moronic look of excitement on his face,which resembles that of Sean Penn in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.Hugo looks at Dave with a frown,"well dont just fucken stand there,do somethin"



The 3 begin gathering the weapons,which are covered in thick brown dust and spiderwebs…