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Script - first 5 or so pages


#1

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: the first 5 pages of my script.



Okay, after literally months of research and conversations with various people who my characters are loosely based off of, I have finally sat down and began the vigorious task of writing the first draft.



"Barry’s New Life"



The life of an extraordinary, unique, successful yet depressed young man who has everything going for him, drastically changes when he spontaniously decides to leave it all. Now in search of a new life and a new start, finds solace living a life of normality, only to fall in love with a woman who embraces his uniqueness.



Remember it’s a first draft, so don’t mind the typos.



I’m looking for your guys feedback. I don’t know, when I read it, it feels kind’ve… well, “bleh” for lack of a better word. Tell me what you think.



http://www.geocities.com/reggie_4_31/barry.txt


#2

Bump.



Would really like to know what you guys think:



Here’s the new link: http://www.geocities.com/reggie_4_31/barry2.txt


#3

I like it. I thought this was going to be stupid like some of the other scripts that get posted here, but it’s actually pretty good. Except the last line which is too much of a cliche.


#4

[quote=“FilmGuy”]
I like it. I thought this was going to be stupid like some of the other scripts that get posted here, but it’s actually pretty good. Except the last line which is too much of a cliche.
[/quote]

That slugline was suppose to be a cliché. :wink:


#5

Yeah not too bad. It take the way of a good sreenplay. But, the only problem I see is if we play this script, we came to a very short result. For the intro I give 3 or 4 minutes or more. But it still a good beginning. (sorry if my english is not good, i’m french canadian :stuck_out_tongue:)


#6

[quote](sorry if my english is not good, i’m french canadian)[/quote]

Cool. Je suis aussi canadien. Où dans le Québec que vous habitez? J’habite en Toronto :slight_smile:


#7

Pretty proffessional. But I’m a complainer here I go.



Mr. HUTCHIK sits behind a desk of an elegantly modern office.

Really hard to read this line try it out loud.



It’ll leave you as impotent as a paraplegic.

Reader might see this and find offensive or unusable.



You don’t even have your grade 10 English.

Rewrite.



I just heard about your big promotion.

How?



In a surge a rage, Barry starts tearing frames off the wall, smashing them to pieces.

;D You complain about others use of imitation, not that it bothers me.



The walls are now bear.

Bare.



A LADY

According to Lew Hunter’s book any charecture with more than a couple lines should be named or at least given an adjective. Pretty Lady. Uptight Lady.


#8

Pretty good. My only complaint is that Barry’s conversation with his boss

felt like they went too many different places in a really short amount of time.

Any chance you’ll post the rest of this bad boy when it’s finished?


#9

I liked it. It’s definetly better then most scripts on here, and also funnier. Even though I laughed only 3 or 4 times. But it was awesume, keep it up.


#10

I was searching for something that was written by Mr.Deliveryman…Thus far this is what we know of the character, Barry.He’s a columnist and is quickly given a promotion for writing an article about fags. Then for reasons undefined he lashes out at his boss, which in my conjecture… talk to a man of higher authority in that fashion, he would have gotten fired. I mean the whole thing was rushed. Maybe if we saw what was going wrong in his life we would of had a better prespective of his situation, what was going on in his head. He says that he’s been having a bad week but we don’t see it. Then after the bar scene,which wasen’t necessary at this early stage; Barry goes into his apartment and breaks down,throwing hissy fits like a 9 year old. And after that he cuts to the airport…and is already leaving town…all of this in five pages. He never really settles down with a character,what we now about him and the people involved in his life. This isin’t the work of a film student, film students should now better in how to set-up the dramatic premise and character in 10 pages.


#11

I liked it still. It was definetly better then alot of script on here. Infact most. roulette_67 is also a great writer. The rest of us are trying to get there, or are so bad that we’re doomed. But my feedback on my two scripts aren’t that bad. So thats good :slight_smile:


#12

Oh don’t get me wrong…deliveryman,yourself…just to name a few are indeed talented. I feel that If someone has more insight of something they should share their ideas instead of judging an entire screenplay without any refrence of what’s not working. I myself have started writing about two years ago. And I admit i’m a horrible writer as of yet,but I think I can manage to improve with practice.


#13

BELIEVE CHARMER! BELIEVE!



I still think you should drop the zombie idea, what was that first one you posted, about the dude all waking up. That one was better.


#14

what is this? i thought this topic was about a script. i think copperhead and snake charmer(what ever his name is) should make up a topic about hating each other and then complain about some guy they don’t even know (deliveryman).

Are you guys morons or something.



ps. i liked this script it was well written and kinda funny but it steemed too life like and life is boring.


#15

[quote]Then for reasons undefined he lashes out at his boss, which in my conjecture… talk to a man of higher authority in that fashion, he would have gotten fired.[/quote]

That should say something about what a talent Barry is, the fact that he didn’t get fired, not only that but STILL kept his promotion.

[quote]Barry goes into his apartment and breaks down,throwing hissy fits like a 9 year old. And after that he cuts to the airport…and is already leaving town…all of this in five pages. He never really settles down with a character,what we now about him and the people involved in his life. This isin’t the work of a film student, film students should now better in how to set-up the dramatic premise and character in 10 pages.[/quote]

The “dramatic premise” isn’t focused on Barry’s ‘old’ life. The exposition is revealed through dramatic scenes in his ‘new’ life, hence the title, “Barry’s New Life.” Nice try, though. Seriously.


#16

[quote=“deliveryman”]
The “dramatic premise” isn’t focused on Barry’s ‘old’ life. The exposition is revealed through dramatic scenes in his ‘new’ life, hence the title, “Barry’s New Life.” Nice try, though. Seriously.
[/quote]

lol


#17

Yes, but knowing both his new and old life would be much better…at least for me.


#18

[quote=“Snake Charmer”]
Yes, but knowing both his new and old life would be much better…at least for me.
[/quote]

Did you not read, "The exposition is revealed through dramatic scenes in his ‘new’ life?" Or do you know what exposition is?



Here you go:



ex·po·si·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ksp-zshn)



4. The part of a play that provides the background information needed to understand the characters and the action.



5. An act or example of exposing.


#19

I’m learning from the master :smiley: Thankyou Mr.Deliveryman Exposition is now part of my vocabulary.


#20

Is there any chance you could fix that link or post the first five pages? The link doesnt work any more and i’d really like to check it out. Thanks