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Rate this action sequence!~


#1

EXT. TORONTO SKYLINE - NIGHT



Dark, monstrous storm clouds loom toward the city that awaits.



The CN Tower lit beautifully in the night sky, over seeing the chaotic city below. Soaring skyscrapers fill the atmosphere.



As we get closer we see:



EXT. DOWNTOWN TORONTO - NIGHT



ANDREW ATKINS, 19, skinny, short brown hair, drowns out the city that surrounds him. He is perched on the curb of a busy intersection, as he inhales the final drag of his cigarette.



Silent. Andrew sits. Waits



Then…



BOOM! Thunder cracks. Startled, Andrew looks around, then up. The storm clouds have arrived, hovering over the city.



ANDREW

Come on…



Heavy rain begins to pour. Andrew jumps and runs for cover.



Too late, he’s soaked. Andrew finds shelter underneath the oning of a nearby restaurant. Shivering, Andrew lights another cigarette.



ANDREW

Come on, Greg, where are you?



A black tinted Sedan pulls up some thirty feet where Andrew stands.



ANDREW

Finally.



Andrew makes a mad dash toward the car. And opens the car passenger door.



ANDREW

’Bout time, dude. Do you have any idea how wet my feet are? Seriously, ma –



Andrew’s eyes widen, his mouth drops.



INT. BLACK SEDAN - CONTINUOUS



A MAN (30’s) aims a gun at a YOUNG WOMEN sitting in the passenger side, bound at the hands and feet by duct tape. Her mouth taped shut as well. Her face: Battered, bruised and bloody. The young women moans and struggles.



Andrew and the man lock eyes… Andrew looks over toward the women, and they lock eyes. Everyone freezes.



BANG!! Again, the sound of thunder booms… which jumpstarts Andrew into a frenzic run.



EXT. DOWNTOWN - CONTINUOUS



Andrew runs as fast as his legs will take him down the slick, wet streets.



The driver door of the Sedan swings open, and the chase commences.



MAN

WAIT!



The heavy rain gets heavier. The vicious wind howls. Panting, Andrew’s cold breath dissolves into the night sky.



MAN

WAIT! STOP!



Andrew still in full sprint doesn’t look back. Andrew hangs a left… The man follows.



Andrew hangs a right… The man follows.



Finally Andrew turns into a:



EXT. DARK ALLEY - CONTINUOUS



Andrew makes his way down the alley. It’s a dead-end. Franticly Andrew searches for an escape… something, anything.



The footsteps of the man get closer, louder.



A ladder! Andrew spots a steal rung ladder attached to the side of a building, leading to the roof.



KABOOM!!! Another crack of thunder.



Andrew quickly makes his way over to the ladder and begins to climb up.



Closer and closer to the roof Andrew climbs.



Raining harder now, than ever, Andrew slips and loses his footing on the slippery ladder. Andrew clutches on with both hands to keep him from falling. Andrew dangles tens of feet above the ground before he regains his footing.



A last, Andrew reaches the roof, just as the man turns into the alley.



EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS



Andrew crawls over to an airvent, way to small to fit through. Fustrated, Andrew stops, pauses… then vomits out of exhaustion.



Andrew sits there, in his pool of vomit, staring at the top of the ladder, as he waits.



Suddenly…



CRACK!!! A big flash of light strikes Andrew in the chest.



Andrew lies there, unconcious and helpless.



FADE OUT:



INT. HOSPITAL - DAY



--------------------



I actually took the beginning couple paragraphs from a pervious screenplay that I wrote, that you guys might’ve seen before. But anyway… let me know what you think.


#2

well all i really can say is that it’s written well and i can’t really rate it.



i say that because it’s like 30 second of a film (you try to rate 30 seconds of a movie, if you don’t believe me count to 30)).



ps. people don’t usally talk to themselves.


#3

ANDREW

Come on, Greg, where are you?



This line is like talking to the audience. Like the line, “Toolshed!”. Maybe he should just look at a clock. Actually the fact he’s standing around should show hes waiting for something.



And the dead end. I have never seen a dead end in a city, do they really exist? And why do guys always magically run into them. :-</E> I’m not a big fan of vomiting either.



The parts I do like are when he looks into the car, and climbing up and getting shocked, both are pretty intriguing. Plus the fact the guy in the car isn’t Greg.


#4

Thanks guys.



Though, that’s not 30 seconds of film. That entire sequence is more around 4-5 minutes of film.

[quote]ps. people don’t usally talk to themselves. [/quote]

Really? I talk to myself all the time :frowning: No wonder I’m weird.


#5

Eww. Oh my, after re-reading that. God.



That’s not well-written at all. Half of that doesn’t make sense. It’s clumsy, poorly constructed description.



I mention the weather way too many times. The actual action sequence is far too vague.



Jesus. What a mess.


#6

I store my writings and re-read them after a month. In 90% of the cases, they seem awful and all. Everything seems great right after it’s created.


#7

[quote=“Bleach”]
I store my writings and re-read them after a month. In 90% of the cases, they seem awful and all. Everything seems great right after it’s created.
[/quote]

It’s usually the opposite with me. Right after I finish writing a screenplay or part of a screenplay, I think it’s complete and utter crap. But then after picking it up after a while, it’s usually quite decent.



This was just the result of me writing garbage up at 5 AM, because I’m an insomniac.


#8

I like it dude, you’re quite good at descriptions. Just one question though. Why doesn’t the killer just chase Andrew with his car rather than getting out and running after him? It would be much easier for him to catch up on Andrew I presume. Just a thought.


#9

I would agree with the statement about too many references about weather. Cut maybe one or two statements of talking to himself. You have to keep the statement of “Come on Greg”. It introduces us to greg and lets us know he’s waiting for him.



The idea of getting into the wrong car is excellent. I was reading and thinking, wouldn’t it be cool if he got in the wrong car. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. You forgot to mention, how he got out of the car. he see’s what’s in the car and next thing you know, he’s running.



Yes, there are dead ends in the city. That’s where they sell drugs and shoot up. They are created just for that purpose. Along with gun fights.



The rooftop would be better without the vomit. You could have him wait and watch the ladder after looking for a pipe. He could walk over to take a peek to see if someone is coming up the ladder and zap!



Just a sugestion. I like what you’ve written. Don’t tear it down like that, it has lots of promise.


#10

When he says, “about time”, you realize he was waiting for someone so no you don’t need the greg line. Plus it adds to the confusion when he opens the door. The audience at this point doesn’t know whether the man in the car was greg or not so why do they even need to know gregs name.



I guess I just hate when actors say stuff to themselves to tell the audience exactly where a movie is going. I saw this one movie where a girl says “I want to be a dancer” before going to sleep. It just totally stopped the movies flow because you remember you are watching a film.



BTW roulette he never got in the car he just opened the door.


#11

[quote=“WeaselCo”]
BTW roulette he never got in the car he just opened the door.
[/quote]

That was one of the things I was unclear about when it came to the whole car sequence.


#12

dude its pretty cool dude


#13

First off I think the action of it is great. You do a good job of building tension

here. The “Come on, Greg, where are you?” line helps add surprise when we

find out it’s the wrong car and the vomiting on the roof totally makes sense

not just because of fatigue but because he’s being chased by a guy with a

fucking gun. What I don’t get though is why the guy would keep the gun pointed

at the tied up woman rather than on Andrew and why the guy would just leave

the woman there while he chased after Andrew. I realize you posted this awhile

ago but I’m just seeing it now.


#14

lol, that’s a good question. I forget where I was going with his, as I was just writing down random crap off the top of my head. But I do remember having a reason for that specific question, I swear. :stuck_out_tongue:


#15

Some people have a problem with that line. But I can see myself saying that to myself, plus it sets up a great action sequence.


#16

oning = incorrect

awning = correct


#17

[quote=“Lil Dice”]
oning = incorrect

awning = correct
[/quote]

Ahh, I knew that… did I seriously write “oning?” Wow I must have been tired.



Thanks, though.