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Rate my action sequence


#1

It’s my embassy sequence. . .feel free to throw shit at it, tell me what’s wrong. . .so I can try to fix it. I promise I won’t act like a little bitch about it. If you dont know what the fuck is going on, just skim over the first ten scenes that I previously posted or not…my goal is to kind of meld all the good features that I like in zombie movies. . .28 Days Later, Resident Evil, Romero flicks. . .and a little bit of Splinter Cell…weird huh…not to me!


#2

Well lets see it.


#3

SMASH CUT:                                                       20.INT.CARGO TRUCK,STOWAGE-NIGHT                                                                             DOZENS OF BODY BAGS WOBBLE FIERCELY. . .                                                                       CU- on a body bag. Long sharp yellow nails rip easily through the plastic; a mutated hand reveals itself, bloody, putrefied. . .                                          CUT TO:                            21.INT.LOBBY                                                                                    Many CBW personnel shift in and out of the lobby; a busy night. More body bags are brought down from different floors. . .                                                                 A spine-chilling wail sounds abruptly, workers freeze, the sound proliferating. . .the body bags begin to move. Angst-ridden CBW personnel stare at each other. . . Moans grow ominous, louder.                                                                          CBW PERSONNEL                    Open these things up, they’re still alive!                                                                  STAY on first CBW to unzip a body bag. . .                                                                     UNSPEAKABLE TERROR ENSUES AS WE LAY EYES UPON. . .                                                                      A ghoulish woman, lurches upright. Face exposed: white glowing eyes, scaling putrefied skin, no signs of breathing. Personnel stare, baffled as she begins to slither, body bag still wrapped on her lower body. Men draw back . . .                                                                           Horrid screams of terror break outside, men rush out to:                                                               22.EXT.EMBASSY COMPUND-NIGHT-CONTINUOUS ACTION                                                                   Dozens of zombies run amuck, there’s mutiny in the air. The spawning of new life. Personnel disperse to the streets, running for their lifes. A few aren’t so lucky, they are hunted down and devoured by zombies.                                                                                   MS- on twelve GOE special ops operatives intervene, M4 Carbines aimed at the horrid zombies. GOE TEAM LEADER, leads his men closer to them. . .                                                   GOE LEADER                      STOP RIGHT THERE!                                                                              Zombies gain in on GOE unit’s postion                                  (Cont.)                                                   Fire at will!                                                                                     (Cont.)A barrage of gunfire unloads discreetly onto the roaming zombies. They are battered by bullets, fall, don’t seem to get up again.                                                                ÂÂ


#4

CUT TO: 23.EXT.STREETS OF LISBON-NIGHT Tired crowd sits, still a considerable amount. Wondering if their loved ones are still alive or have perished into the unknown. Fatigued Policemen, flashlights out, weapons ready. Keep an eye on the somber multitude. A policeman, strays alone, away from his colleagues, behind a large police truck, lights up a cigarette. BEYOND HE CAN SEE FRANTIC SHADOWS, DARTING TOWARDS HIS DIRECTION. Too dark to make out their complexion. He keeps staring, shadows close in fast. . .flashlight out, hand on gun holster. . . SMASH CUT: 24.INT.SEVENTH FLOOR CORRIDOR Horrid screams. SAM is surrounded by festering zombies, wickedness in their presence. Sam calls for his unit through radio, no response. He begins to weep, praying to god. . . BEHIND HIM, a zombie coming fast, an unfathomable display of speed, launches onto him, sharp nails dug deep into his back ,begins to feed. . .the rest join in. . .ATROCIOUS SOUND OF AGONY FADES OUT TO: 25.EXT.STREETS OF LISBON-NIGHT Sporadic gunfire coming from the embassy. Policemen stare amongst each other, perplexed. BEHIND THEM, gunfire bursts forth. A policeman comes running from behind the truck, firing his handgun. POLICEMAN Get all these people out of here! A plethora of zombies heave towards the crowd, their ominous blare filling the air. Crowd people look on, petrefied. POLICEMAN UNLOAD ON THESE FUCKERS! Zombies sprint, others amble towards the barricades, surge forward joining the crowd. People disband. Utter chaos. People fall and are trampled on, as zombies close in on them fast, gnawing on flesh. SCREAMS FILL THE NIGHT. (Cont.)Policemen unable to get a clear shot at zombies, close in along with the crowd, gunning down the zombies at close-quarters. M16s roar. Outnumbered 1:5, policemen are soon overrun by these nefarious creatures. . . CUT TO: 26.EXT.EMBASSY COMPUND-NIGHT ZOMBIES, some have strayed into the streets, yet many still linger inside and outside the embassy. GOE unit, seal off the lobby’s door. Nothing can go in or out. GOE LEADER (radio’s in for help) Requesting for more armed personnel, we have many casualties- - M4 carbine roars. . . The zombies that were shot are alive once more. One by one they begin to resusitate. . . GOE LEADER Fall in on me! GOE unit fires as they make way to their APCs. . .


#5

I’m so sick of zombie movies where they don’t presume they should shoot them in the head. Plus the old seperated from the crowd thing is so cliche. You have to show something special to catch peoples attention. Its not really scary, and it can’t be an action films if the main bad guy are zombies since they are countless. It needs to be more tense.



UNSPEAKABLE TERROR ENSUES AS WE LAY EYES UPON. . .

Please delete this line.



Don’t use unnessecarily long words if you don’t need to. They take away from the story.


#6

[quote=“WeaselCo”]
You have to show something special to catch peoples attention. Its not really scary, and it can’t be an action films if the main bad guy are zombies since they are countless. It needs to be more tense.


[/quote]Thankyou for the feedback. Zombies aren’t really the antagonist in my story, they’re mere obstacles. ACT 3 of this story deals with capturing the guy from the opening scene. It’s like a covert ops thing, that involves navy seals. Anywho this is a revenge story. The antagonist takes revenge for his daughter’s death. And throughout the screenplay you’ll discover why she was killed. . .


#7

[quote] It’s like a covert ops thing, that involves navy seals. Anywho this is a revenge story. The antagonist takes revenge for his daughter’s death.
[/quote]
that’s the lamest thing i’ve read today. maybe you could think up something a little more original.


#8

It is original.


#9

it just doesn’t seem original from what you posted.


#10

Yeah from the sequence you posted it just seems like any other zombie movie, and the zombie genre has been dead for years, and now its being tortured to death. its to a point that i get pissed if i hear that a zombie movie is coming out because they’re so lame and a waste of theater space. Well i guess i never liked any zombie movies anyways, its just simply an uninteresting topic.


#11

how about you do movie about [b][color=red]Incredibly [color=purple]Strange [color=green]Creatures [color=navy]Who [color=orange]Stopped [color=red]Living [color=purple]and [color=blue]Became Mixe[color=navy]d-Up [color=limegreen]Zombies!!?[/b]

… oh wait it’s already been done.


#12

[quote=“the true gentleman”]
how about you do movie about [b][color=red]Incredibly [color=purple]Strange [color=green]Creatures [color=navy]Who [color=orange]Stopped [color=red]Living [color=purple]and [color=blue]Became Mixe[color=navy]d-Up [color=limegreen]Zombies!!?[/b]

… oh wait it’s already been done.

[/quote]Mixed up zombie? like a zombie that acts like a person but looks like a zombie?


#13

[quote=“Snake Charmer”]
SMASH CUT:                                                       20.INT.CARGO TRUCK,STOWAGE-NIGHT                                                                                      DOZENS OF BODY BAGS WOBBLE FIERCELY. . .                                                                               CU- on a body bag. Long sharp yellow nails rip easily through the plastic; a mutated hand reveals itself, bloody, putrefied. . .                                                                CUT TO:                                                           21.INT.LOBBY                                                                                         Many CBW personnel shift in and out of the lobby; a busy night. More body bags are brought down from different floors. . .                                                                    A spine-chilling wail sounds abruptly, workers freeze, the sound proliferating. . .the body bags begin to move. Angst-ridden CBW personnel stare at each other. . . Moans grow ominous, louder.                                                                          CBW PERSONNEL                      Open these things up, theyÂ’re still alive!                                                                  STAY on first CBW to unzip a body bag. . .                                                                     UNSPEAKABLE TERROR ENSUES AS WE LAY EYES UPON. . .                                                                      A ghoulish woman, lurches upright. Face exposed: white glowing eyes, scaling putrefied skin, no signs of breathing. Personnel stare, baffled as she begins to slither, body bag still wrapped on her lower body. Men draw back . . .                                                                           Horrid screams of terror break outside, men rush out to:                                                               22.EXT.EMBASSY COMPUND-NIGHT-CONTINUOUS ACTION                                                                   Dozens of zombies run amuck, thereÂ’s mutiny in the air. The spawning of new life. Personnel disperse to the streets, running for their lifes. A few arenÂ’t so lucky, they are hunted down and devoured by zombies.                                                                                                                                 MS- on twelve GOE special ops operatives intervene, M4 Carbines aimed at the horrid zombies. GOE TEAM LEADER, leads his men closer to them. . .                                                   GOE LEADER                                          STOP RIGHT THERE!                                                                                     Zombies gain in on GOE unitÂ’s postion                                  (Cont.)                                                          Fire at will!                                                                                            (Cont.)A barrage of gunfire unloads discreetly onto the roaming zombies. They are battered by bullets, fall, donÂ’t seem to get up again.                                                                ÂÂ
[/quote]

In my humble opinion, I would throw more humor into it. As in “Dawn of the Dead” when the bikers broke through into the mall and they were having fun with the zombies. And as in “Night of the Living Dead” when the “rednecks” were shooting them with 30.06’s and slamming a beer in the process.



I’m not saying do exactly that, but your a writer, you’ll figure it out. Otherwise I like it!



-Aladdin Sarsippius Suleminagic Jackson III


#14

I like the idea of mixing the revenge genre with Zombies and the fact that it’s the dude’s

daughter has great potential for some really emotional scenes, but like most of the stuff that

gets posted here it’s really hard to judge one scene without the ones that come before it.

If I were you I wouldn’t try to add more humour to this scene as it’s an action scene but

I would try to fit some lighter moments somewhere in the film.



Oh and try not to direct so much with your script. At least that’s what everyone always

told me.


#15

>:(This is a pretty long sequence, but here we go…so the main character’s partner, who is an espionage agent --(like Sam Fisher in Splinter Cell) is infiltrating a site that is suspect of producing bioweapons. Just tell me if you hate or despise it, or tell if you actually like it-----no zombies in this one.
ThelmaAndLouise.txt (47.5 KB)


#16

yeah dats great ;D