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My First Script

I just finished my first full-length screenplay and I’ve posted it on a few

screenwriting sites but haven’t gotten a whole lot of responses.

The script is an action oriented crime story and I’d love to see what some fellow Tarantino

fans think about it. Here’s the logline so you can get a better sense of the story.

While avenging the death of his girlfriend a young hitman unwittingly disrupts a peace conference

between the people he works for and their rivals. Now he must team up with a partner that has

a mysterious connection to the enemies and take them out before a gang war can erupt.

And here’s the link to the script:

thats pretty good . it would be cool to know more about dexs past .

Oops. Didn’t notice there was a seperate screenwriting board.

Thanks for the comments though Tim.

is there a summary available, ? this is 90 page script not 10 so atleast a summary to get an idea

Here’s the logline.

After finding his girlfriend over-dosed on dirty drugs Dex exacts revenge

on the dealer who sold them to her by killing him and everyone that gets

in his way. The next morning he learns that two members of a rival gang

looking to work out a peace deal were among those he killed. Now on the

brink of war Dex must take out the rival gang in order to protect his own.

Yeah, camera directions in a screen-play is a no-no.

Just tell the story.

well what if ur 100% sure ur gonna direct ur story?

i know wut u mean thou, readin a script and nothin but camera directions aint rite

Yeah, camera directions in a screen-play is a no-no.

Yeah I’ve read that about spec scripts but when I started writing the first draft I planned

on making it myself. If I ever try to pitch this to anyone I’l probly scrap the camera work.

Even still the way I see it when you’re writing a script you’re not just telling a story you’re

describing a movie.

It still looks unprofessional, even if you 100% sure you are going to direct it yourself.

Remember, you’re not the only one that’s going to read it, actors, producers, DPs, etc. And if it look’s unprofessional, you’re going to have an awful time getting people to jump on.

And no, when you’re writing a script, you’re telling a story, that’s it.

I had a big debate about this with a fellow schmoe not too long ago, about how a screenplay with camera directions doesn’t mean it automatically get thrown in the garbage can when shown to producers. In fact, many, many famous, great screenwriters use camera directions such as: David Koepp, Charlie Kaufman, etc. Though it still doesn’t change the fact that including camera directions in a screenplay doesn’t help your cause at all. Can a screenplay with camera directions still be sellable? Absolutely. There can still be great screenplays [i][u] IN SPITE[/i][/u] of it.

well, i think tha script is a big cliche of other gangster crime films. Try and do something different. The camera dirrections make this story hard to read.

I know you already read a line like thsi but even if you do direct it yourself they should never be included simply for the reason that your trying to get people to read it, even the novice screenplay reader will get annoyed with it. If you had an outline that might do you a little better in the feedback area. I’ll give it a shot tonight and tell you what i think. But it goes without saying that completeing a screenplay no matter how good or bad is quite the accomplishment so cheers to that mouse.

I enjoyed it, but it kinda seemed like there was a bit to many homages to Tarantino in it.

anyone could see those a mile away DEX, u mite want to tone them down.

Thanks for all the comments guys. This is the most productive feedback

I’ve gotten on it. I really appreciate it. Most people just say that the drug

content and violence are too over the top.

I updated the link above with the latest re-write. Got rid of most

of the camera directions and tweaked some of the dialogue. Still trying to

flesh out Miranda’s character a bit more while keeping her somewhat


What Tarantino homages are you guy’s talking about? The ony one’s I

did intentionally are the “Stuck in the Middle with You” joke and the

scene where Miranda get’s the shit beat out of her was supposed to

be reminiscent of True Romance. I’m sure there’s more but I haven’t

read it in about a week so the details are kinda fuzzy.

The two other ones i remember are the red apple ciggarettes and theres a song playing but the cd skips or radio station changes or something and another song starts like in the opening credits to pulp fiction.

Lol, I forgot about the red apples took that whole interaction out a couple drafts ago.

Miranda getting knocked into the CD player and skiping to a new track wasn’t supposed

to resemble the radio station being switched in Pulp Fiction but I can kinda see the


I know it’s been awhile but I’ve got a question about the pacing for those

of you who read this. Lately I’ve ben getting mixed reviews. Some people

seem to think that there’s too many scenes in the script with conversation,

or too much “downtime” as they call it. But then the other reviews are just

the opposite where they think I didn’t do a good enough job building relationships

between characters.

Now, it’s been almost a month since I’ve read the the thing and I’m about to

give it another re-write but I’m not sure what to fix. I know for sure I want

to work to make Brittany a little more innocent but I don’t want to slow things

down too much. I’m kinda thinking about writing a drunk-draft and just seeing

what happens.

Do whatever you want to do dude. Clerks is filled with dialogue. It’s 80% dialogue. Not much action in it either.

[quote=“QT Fan”]
Do whatever you want to do dude. Clerks is filled with dialogue. It’s 80% dialogue. Not much action in it either.

Ya but this is an action script.

I read it a while ago but if remember correctly i liked the pacing. Ill give it another glance soon.