A Death Proof script parody by The QT Archives Bunch
OPENING CREDITS play set to the song: I CANT DRIVE 55 by Sammy Hagar.
OPENING CREDITS END
Darlene (in thick New Yawk accent): HOLD ON! I gotta take a fockin dump!
(she runs towards DJ Jingle Julie’s pad. Anna follows)
Darlene: Sonovabitch! Those Tuna Boys tunaburgers I ate earlier went right thru me!
(Darlene farts as she runs, creating a strange squeaking effect)
Jingle Julie (smokin weed and very stoned): Ha Ha Ha!
Anna: Oh hahahaha! (to JJ) Let me get a hit o that gurrrl! (her blonde ponytail swings around excitedly)
(Darlene runs into the bathroom, leaves the door wide open, still farting like gas escaping a pin hole and we hear the sound become a fart so loud and deep. It sounds like indigestion inside a whale).
CUT TO: Sign on wall
DO NOT USE THIS TOYLET! THE PLUMMING IZ FUKED UP!! - JJ
Darlene (movin her head side to side with attittude): What the? Muthafucka! (as she says this she farts simultaneously with the words)
JJ and Anna (high as kites): PFFFFFFFFFFTT (spitting) hahahahahaha!
(roll on floor laughing out of control)
Darlene: You coulda TOLD ME you fat ass CUNT!!
Darlene reaches for toilet paper, pulls roll only to find an inch left.
She holds it in front of her face. Puts her hand down to see JJ and Anna staring.
(farts burp out in studdering fashion. The sounds are very close to an old Model T Ford put-put-putting along a road)
They spit out with laughter again and roll on the floor some more.
Darlene slams the door with her foot and sees a nice clean pink custom made bathrobe hanging up that reads “JJ” on it. She grabs it and then wipes her ass like she will wipe it clean off. CU on her face as she twists it up. Shes diggin in like shes Charles Bronson in The Great Escape.
CUT TO VW BUG DRIVING DOWN HIGHWAY. It looks like a blue fishbowl. The pot smoke fills it up. Looks like a shot out of a Cheech and Chong movie. Theres big flowers all over the exterior of the car.
INT- Car - Day
JJ: Hey Anna did you tell Manuel we would be meeting him at Chi Chi-'s?
Anna: What do I look like?
JJ: A Snork…just kiddin, youre so good.
Anna: I know.
JJ: Hey Darlene, pass the grass fatass.
Darlene is smoking a joint the size of a toilet paper tube. Shes sucking on it hard.
We see the car swerving back and forth down the road.
Suddenly, The Beatles song “Yellow Submarine” comes on the radio. Anna turns it up and begins to sing along:
In the town where I was born,
Lived a man who sailed to sea,
And he told us of his life,
In the land of submarines,
So we sailed on to the sun,
Till we found the sea of green,
And we lived beneath the waves,
In our yellow submarine…
THE GIRLS SING THE REST TOGETHER and move back n forth as they sing it:
We all live in a yellow submarine,
yellow submarine, yellow submarine,
We all live in a yellow submarine,
yellow submarine, yellow submarine…
JJ (laughs)…HEY! YOU FUCKIN CUNT! I SAID PASS IT!
Darlene’s eyes are very bloodshot and theyre twirling around making her go crosseyed. This must be some good stuff! Suddenly a dog runs across the street and Anna swerves to not hit him. This sudden jolt makes Darlene drop the joint out the window clumsily. JJ hits her head on the side of the car from the jolt simultaneously.
Anna slows down and gets the control again.
Anna: Shit! You guys okay?
JJ rubs her head.
The car drives along and we see the dogs owner scream at him to come back. The owners mailbox reads “The Reservors”.
CUT BACK TO CAR
JJ: So Darlene, how’d your date with Chad go last night?
Darlene: None of yo fockin business bitch…I banged him and he went home.
Anna mouths the word: SLUT
Darlene is still too high to realize it.
JJ: Did you swallow?
Anna pukes up in her mouth a little.
Anna (gulps): nothing…(burps)
JJ: Damn girl…so did you use the Five Point Palm Exploding Cock Technique?
BLURRY FLASHBACK TO: Jingle Julie teaching Darlene the ancient technique on a large dildo. The two look very serious.
We hear a large chinese gong.
WE RETURN TO THE PRESENT.
Darlene: Yes Sifu.
JJ and Darlene laugh and high five each other. Anna laughs and goes to join the high five, but is too late. Creating an awkward result.
CUT TO The VW driving down the street around corner. The car dissapears and we hear a Pong type BLIP noise.
A 1971 AMC Gremlin (car) follows along slowly behind. We hear some music playing: “Heartbeat, Its A Love Beat” by The DeFranco Family.
Ext- Chi-Chi’s Mexican Restaraunt - Afternoon
Darlene bends over and we see her lovely ass. She stays there awhile like she wants us to stare at it. We see a small stain in the center of her pants.
We hear a large backfire. Its the AMC Gremlin. This makes Darlene jolt up fast.
Darlene (heavy manlike Brooklyn accent): Wot Da Fock?!
We see the AMC Gremlin which drives slowly by the restaraunt. We hear the same music playing as Darlene squints to try to see whos inside the car. The music in the car stops. The car stalls. The driver starts it up and takes off down the road.
Meanwhile behind Darlene a Chi Chi employee flips a sign on the door.
Darlene shrugs and goes to enter the restaraunt. She grabs the wrong door and cant get in. Then goes to the other side and cant open it. She sees a sign that says: Closed. Use Back Door.
Darlene (under her breath): Mothafucka.
INT- Chi Chi’s Mexican Restaraunt
Anna: Darlene you want some bean dip?
(Anna lifts up a big bowl of bean dip, a little of it runs down the side of the bowl)
Darlene: I’ll pass…
Anna: No? This bean dip is the shit!
(Anna stuffs her face with nachos and bean dip. We hear loud crunches and burps as she eats).
Suddenly a big fat girl waddles over to the girls table.
JJ: Big Shirl, I’d like you to meet Darlene and Anna.
Big Shirl: What up?!
Darlene: Nice to meet you.
Anna (mouth full of food): WUDOP!
JJ: So Big Shirl are you ready for tonight?
Big Shirl: Damn right. I got all my stuff. Brought my new bikini too.
Darlene smiles at JJ
JJ (holding in laughter): Great! Have you been up to Lake JFK before?
Big Shirl: Hells yeah! Last summer we went inner tubing up there. It was the bizzomb yall!
Waiter: Can I get you something?
Big Shirl (looks at menu): To start I’ll have the Pork Taco, The Chi Chi Chowdown Plate…ummm…(stomach rumbles)…oh damn…I AM hungry…errr give me the Holy Guacamole Special…to drink…I’ll have a Mariachi Fizz…and to top it all of give me a Dos Equis with lime…and a shot of Cuervo Gold.
Waiter: Will that be all?
Big Shirl: Oh shizzit, I forgot dessert.
JJ (rolls her eyes)
Darlene sits with her mouth open.
Anna smiles and wipes the bean dip off her chin.
Big Shirl: Give me a Choco Taco with extra fudge sauce and whipped cream.
(We do a montage of Big Shirl eating all her food to the song “Go Go Godzilla”. It plays like Big Shirl is Godzilla and JJ, Darlene and Anna are the people of Tokyo)
EXT- Chi Chi’s Restaraunt
An ambulance pulls up to the restaraunt and we see 3 EMTs run inside.
CUT TO - INT
Gods Eye POV:
People are gathered around the girls table and we see Big Shirl face down in her food.
Darlene, JJ and Anna are in shock and crying. They hold each other up.
The EMTs try to lift Big Shurl but they can’t.
EXT- Chi Chis Restaraunt - Night
From across the street, a shadowy figure watches. He giggles as Big Shirl is being wheeled out on a reinforced fat people stretcher.
We see his dashboard is covered with old comic books and 8 track tapes. We see his car keychain is a Tweety bird (Tweety and Sylvester)
The mysterious man opens up a can of pomade, dips his comb into it and slaps it into his hair. He runs the comb slowly thru his pompadour style do. Its super greasy. It looks like Porkys (from the movie).
His bright red Members Only jacket stands out in the night.
Outside a woman walks her dog. The dog walks up next to the parked AMC Gremlin and pisses on it.
The man inside is oblivious to this. He is busy tweezing his nose hairs in the mirror. He snorts and then sneezes.
He sees the girls get in their VW Bug and drive off into the night.
The man reaches down and starts the car and follows along.
Int - 80’s Bar - Night
80s Bar is a cool retro 80s type bar and grill. The interior is covered with 80s pop culture memorabilia.
A record player needle drops down on the jukebox. We hear the opening beats of an 80s track: “Walk Like An Egyptian” by The Bangles.
JJ dances in the center of the bar. Shes doing air guitar making pretend shes Susanna Hoffs. This is her chosen karaoke song.
Off to her right Anna, Darlene and their dates for the night: Freddy & Jason watch and cheer her on.
JJ is really into the song and shes looking hot as she hops around energetically.
The bartender/owner of The 80s Bar is “Tommy Tutone” (not his real name) he watches and then drinks a shot of Wild Turkey. He toasts the performer whos on fire tonight.