[quote=“Col. Crazy Kenneth”]
M-Hm! This IS a tasty Schnitzel!
[/quote]
-You know that they call a Schnitzel in sweden?
-I don’t care.
Two Nazis are chatting:
A:You know what they put in Schnitzels in France?"
B:What?
A: Ham and cheese.
B: Get the fuck outta here!
A: No I’m serious, they call it a "Cordon Bleu"
B: Gordon what? Haha, we should fucking invade this country.
A: Dude. We are invading their country. What do you think we are doing here?
B: Oh, right.
Aldo: I ever tell you boys about my days back in Tennesee?
(Basterds sitting in circle)
Utivich: No Lt…you didnt.
(Hugo shakes head no)
Hirschberg: Tell us about it!
Aldo (about to speak but is interrupted):…I’m gonna egghead, now shut yer damn stumphole.
Aldo: OK see, Back in Tennesee…
Utivich: Is this the Smokey Mtns?
Aldo: Ya know what, Since you damn basterds wanna keep interruptin me, Im gonna go take a squat. To be continued…
CUT TO: Shosanna making a chocolate cake. Her hands are covered in dark batter.
[quote=“Pete”]
Aldo: I ever tell you boys about my days back in Tennesee?
(Basterds sitting in circle)
Utivich: No Lt…you didnt.
(Hugo shakes head no)
Hirschberg: Tell us about it!
(Basterds sitting in circle)
Utivich: No Lt…you didnt.
(Hugo shakes head no)
Hirschberg: Tell us about it!
[/quote]
Aldo: Well…
CUT TO: Aldo, along with Maynard and Zed in a forrest in Tennesee. Maynard is playing the banjo while Aldo is holding a shotgun and looking thrilled at Zed, who is having his way with a fat dude.
Zed: Squeal like a pig. A piiiiiiiig!
BACK TO FRANCE: The basterds are dead quiet, loking horrifed at Aldo.
Aldo: What?
LOL!
[quote=“Pete”]
LOL!
[/quote]
Thanks. He’s a hillbilly after all.
(The Basterds shoot up a whole room full o Natzees…smoke clears)
Donny: M-60, when you absolutely positively gotta kill every Nazi in the room, accept no substitutes.
(gives Omar a high five)
Omar: Ok Nazi killers, lets go kill some more Nazis
Hirshberg: Yeahhhh
(walks like a 70s pimp)
Omar: Your shoelace is untied Hirschfeld
Hirscheberg: Thats Hirsh-
Omar: WHATEVER
Gobbels: What kind of movies are you showing?
Shoshanna: German-movies
Gobbels: What kind of german movies?
Shoshanna: Porno-movies.
Goebbels: How much is your popcorn?
Shosanna: 10 cents for small, 20 cents for medium, 50 cents for large
Goebells: Ill have a large.
Hitler (to Goebells): Get me a box of Sno-Caps will ya?
Donny in tears.
Donny: Aldo! Aldo!
Aldo: Whats wrong?
Donny: Hugo broke my bat!
Shosanna: You have to help me kill Hitler…
Marcel (frowning like Gary Coleman): WhatchutalkinboutShosanna?!
Shoshanna(in japanece): Hans Landa! You and i have unfinished business!
Hans Landa: I don’t understand you. Try to say it in french!
(A dark shadow sits in a jail cage…guarded by Nazis)
(Aldo and The Basterds ambush the place, kill the Nazis and Aldo walks over to figure…)
Aldo: Uh…My names Aldo The Apache…me and my boys here, we heard about you…we think you got alotta potential…but yer an amateur…we wanna know if you wanna go pro.
(we see the huge figure in the darkness reveal himself:)
Fat Basterd: IM HONGRAYY!!! IM GONNA EATCHAAAAAAA!!!
(Aldo and the men recoil in horror)
Fat Basterd (sings): I want my baby back baby back…riiiiibs…fart
Aldo (holding nose): Goddang son.
Every basterd has his day.
An old Donny meets The Bride
Donny: You know, in my day we did not have fancy jap-swords. We had to use baseball bats. And our baseboll bats were not made of steel like in these days, they were made out of wood!
Also, to go on revenge-killing sprees you had to be jewish and member of the basterds!
Donny (talking fast and eating beans): You guys like beans? Im from Boston, we love beans, you better eat some beans…we got alot of Nazis to kill!
Utivich: What the hell?
Aldo: wanna know how I got this scar
Hugo: no not really
Donny about to kill a nazi.
Donny: Do you read the bible?
Nazi: No
Donny: Cool! I don’t do it eighter.
Campfire - Night
The Basterds are all settled in. Aldo takes out his fake teeth and puts them in a container of vinegar.
Hirschberg: Hey Aldo, can we sing some songs again?
Utivich: Yeah! That was fun!
Aldo: I jut dookout muh teet!
Hirschberg: Oh sorry.
Aldo (puts his teeth back in): Yeahhhhh I’ll sing some songs for you…which one you wanna hear?
Utivich: Hey Aldo, do that “My Rifle Pony and Me” song. Thats a good one.
Donnie comes out of dark with a German dog.
Donnie: Hey guys, I just found this Nazi guard dog…I decided to name him Dr. Mambo. Say hello Dr. Mambo!
Hirschberg: Dr Mambo? What the hell?
Donnie: Shut up Hirschfeld
Hirshberg: Thats Hirshbe-
All the men yell: WHATEVER!
Donnie preparing to swing the bat to crack the Nazi’s skull
Donnie: Ooooooo brief pause …Faced!
swing crack dead
Donnie: Scratch moded
I could not help myself
[quote=“Pete”]
Shosanna: You have to help me kill Hitler…
Marcel (frowning like Gary Coleman): WhatchutalkinboutShosanna?!
[/quote]
Wow, just wow haha