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Is this any good?


#1

Framed



Fade in:



Int, basement ,night



Three guys tied to chairs in a row gagged, are all asleep except one who looks into the ceiling waiting for someone to come.



Man (o.s): No one is gonna come its an abandoned warehouse basement, as in no one comes here no more because it’s a piece of shit warehouse.



The man try’s to get out of the ropes, we hear a gun load off screen.



Man (o.s): Now don’t be trying that bull-shit here, cos I’ll shoot you’re knee caps straight outta socket. Ok?



The gagged man nods.



Man (cont’d): So why did you take the cash?, why did you take caesers money?



The gagged man try’s to talk but he can’t.



Man (o.s): want to talk?



The man nods. Yes



A hand reveals on screen and takes the gag out.



Man: First of all we didn’t take the cash. Second my name is Dave and don’t call me kiddo EVER!! Third let me out of these ropes.



The hand is revealed for the second time and places the gag back in the mouth.



Man (o.s): Listen you asshole we got you on tape stealing the cash from caesers bank.

And then you say you didn’t do it, kiddo you got some fucked up story’s!!



After he calls Dave kiddo, Dave gives him a dirty look.



Man (o.s): Oh sorry kiddo, woops I did it again!!



Dave (v.o): your probably wondering why me and my friends are in this situation, well we were framed, apparently stealing money from the biggest crime boss in Manhattan.

We didn’t do it but we were set up I can tell you that. My friend clogs, he saughta got us in more shit with them after the robbery when they came to our apartment.



Cut to:



Int, apartment ,day



Clogs is on the sofa drinking from a can of beer. The door is knocked down two hit men enter the room with two long barrelled hand guns. Clogs throws his beer at them, and pulls out a sawed off.



Clogs: who you looking for, cos from this angle I can blow both your fuckin heads off.



Hit man 1: Clogs, you clogs?



Clogs realises he’s in some sort of trouble so he shoots his piece the hit men hit the floor no questions asked.



Cut back to the basement:



Man (v.o) (cont’d): As you see he’s kind of insane, but that’s good for me and Steve, cos’ Steve’s a wino who has no knowledge, except who directs what films and when.



Cut to:



Int, dark room ,night



We see Steve, Dave and clogs all gathered round Steve.



Clogs: kill bill.



Steve: Quentin tarantino, first volume 2003 second 2004.



Dave: clerks.



Steve: Kevin smith, 1993.



Cut back to basement:



Man (v.o) (cont’d): Then there’s me I am the brains of the group, except Steve who know A LOT about films. And this is the end I suppose of us….



A gun is pointed into clog’s head……



Fade to black:



Across black title card:



3 days earlier



Fade to:


#2

The lines are kinda cheesy, unorganic. In away your telling your audience too much, too fast. And the thing about the guy who chooses who directs stuff whats that about?.


#3

aahhh i have to agree with tim about the cheesey dialogue (it feels like i’ve heard the lines before in other movies) and it kinda feels like a tarantino movie.



i heard somewhere (can’t remember) that you can say more (emotionally) without saying much at all.



ps. try to get tarantino out of your system before you write, it will help and make you a better writer.



but keep writing you and i both have time on our sides.


#4

formatting! YEAH!



You have a good start. But you are giving away too much information too soon. Work a bit on your character development. The man OS seems interesting. Write some more.


#5

yeha as i said it was a short i aint finished so yeah and i will keep the dialogoue!!


#6

well the story is like flash backs and shit so it will give away a bit too soon so yeah lolz!!


#7

it’s a mix between Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction

try something original…

… and if you know you took a lot from Kill Bill for your dialogue, why did you have to mention it??, when I read the lines I go “I’ve heard many of this lines before”, and then I see KillBill right there and I go "Ohhh thats right!"

and by the way; Clerks?? you are talkin in both cases of 2 popular movies that have 10 years of diference and a total oposite style, If you wanted to name movies, you could at least name some that can tell us something about the guy’s personality, those 2 movies dont go togheter AT ALL… thats sounds like somehtin YOU(a writer) would like (since both of them are known for their dialogue) you are making it all too obvious…


#8

Yeah, bad dialogue is what hits me straight away. Not saying you are a bad writer, but you are trying too hard to make it sound cool.



I have mentioned this before, but Tarantino said “Just write two people talking” or something to that effect. Don’t try so hard to make it sound cool or like gangsters, because then it becomes forced. Instead, write two people talking and then your best dialogue will come.


#9

Way too many “Cut To:”'s.



In fact the terrible misuse of it, makes me question if you even know what a cut is.


#10

You only use CUT TO: when you are cutting within a scene and it really needs to be defined. That is what i use it for and pretty much only that. You don’t write CUT TO: for the change of every scene because if no other transitions are listed (the most notable being DISSOLVE TO:) then cut is just implied.


#11

yes i do know what a cut is otherwise i wouldnt use it ffs


#12

[quote=“bad motha fucka”]
The man try’s



Man (o.s): Now don’t be trying that bull-shit here, cos I’ll shoot you’re knee caps straight outta socket. Ok?



The gagged man try’s to talk but he can’t.



And then you say you didn’t do it, kiddo you got some fucked up story’s!!



Man (v.o) (cont’d): Then there’s me I am the brains of the group, except Steve who know A LOT about films. And this is the end I suppose of us….

[/quote]

Catch my drift?



Oh and it’s “Sawn-off”… not "Sawed Off"



And please don’t try to out-smart me, I’m too tired.


#13

I think you need to work on your dialogue.

But keep hold of the idea, start listening to how people talk.



Good idea for a first scene. Two thumbs up from me


#14

I sit in coffee shops and just listen to people, i suggest you do the same.


#15

yeye i know its sawn off but i read a couple of gun sites and they all said sawed off and it sounded abit cooler


#16

I happened to read this post earlier, and go over the sawed-off, and sawn off conversation.

Just so happens I had to put one in my script so I looked it up, and they are both right according to about.com, it’s just that sawn is used in Britain sawed is used in US. Pretty interesting, but strange.


#17

Yeah, they are both proper ways to say it. I didn’t know that sawn was for britain and sawed was for the US, though. That is interesting.


#18

[quote=“Angel”]
I sit in coffee shops and just listen to people, i suggest you do the same.
[/quote]

That isn’t good advice. Hey I’ve got a bit of writer’s block, I’ll just go down to a café and see how much I can listen in on people’s conversations.



Dialogue should always come naturally. You are a regular person, you’ve had conversations, see how you talk, what you talk about, what you find interesting.



Whatever situation you are writing about, the dialogue should come to you to carry you to the next scene. Always play with dialogue. If you come up with someone, write it down anywhere and hold on to it. It’s amazing to see how much dialogue you can gather by doing that.


#19

[quote=“Cujo King”]
That isn’t good advice. Hey I’ve got a bit of writer’s block, I’ll just go down to a café and see how much I can listen in on people’s conversations.
[/quote]

First of all, i never said that i went to cafe’s to get natural sounding dialogue. Basically sometimes when i am in a cafe, i just listen. I don’t need natural sounding dialogue. I am totally fine with writing natural dialogue. But he obviously has a little trouble, so i suggested he be reminded how to speak like a normal person.



Quiet time with someone having a conversation as well in the background is a good way to get story ideas, because i see something and twist it and then i get story ideas.



On the flipside, i suggested for him to hear dialogue and compare to his script. But don’t get the idea that that is my cure for unnatural dialogue, just a way to get creative juices flowing.



Anyway, why i am talking about this is beyond me, I have only done it a couple of times, i don’t do it every week. I don’t even like coffee and i hardly go to coffee shops.

[quote=“Cujo King”]
Whatever situation you are writing about, the dialogue should come to you to carry you to the next scene. Always play with dialogue. If you come up with someone, write it down anywhere and hold on to it. It’s amazing to see how much dialogue you can gather by doing that.
[/quote]

I have a book full of dialogue that have come from conversations that i have had with various people. But this guy don’t need that, he need to listen to a whole natural sounding conversation as a third party.


#20

Angel gives a great point. I was sitting in a restaurant today and as people were talking visions of scenes for me to write just kept on coming to my head. For me it seems a great way for inspiration. Maybe not top on dialouge, but huge on inspiration.