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Hows this for a short?

Untitled project


Justin England

Fade in:

Int, street ,night

Two men standing opposite each other with guns held in the hands of there out stretched arms are talking. (well abusing one another) one is black and one is white. Jack (white) mores (black)!

Mores: listen to me and listen good! One of us is gonna die here tonight and I’m as stunned as you, over which one of us is going to die but I guarantee it aint gonna fuckin be me!

Jack: well even if I have a magazine full of bullets in my chest I aint gonna die without seeing you suffer to your last breathe!

Mores: oh yeah we’ll see about that wont we…

After he finishes his last word he fires his rounds into jacks chest, his chest explodes as if it is made from rubber, chunks of flesh fleeing from his body. He drops to the floor blood every where he’s now on his knees kneeling in his own flesh and blood.

Mores walk to jack, jack swings his gun round and shoots mores in the knee caps we hear like a crack, mores drops, in front of jack, jack watches we see his eyes, we slowly fade into his eyes.

Over black:

Jack (v.o): your probably wondering why we just kill our self’s well I will tell you why.

As he tells us it happens…

Jack (cont’d) : well it was a normal night and I got lonely so I went to the only place they sell fun. The red light district. I was in my shit heap they pass off as a Cadillac, I couldn’t find any hookers I took fancy too until in the dark door way I saw a naked flame light up a perfect face, she was gorgeous every mans dream, her face was delicate her lips were moist, hell I hadn’t been near the woman yet and I knew, I parked up beside her she knelt down to my window, she asked if I wanted a good night’s time and I said yes so she hopped in the shit heap. We got back to a lousy motel she spread across the bed like it was hers, I made us a shot of jacks, then we got down to the intimate stuff. Any ways after she left a note explaining how she felt for me and I was everything she wanted in a man. So I went looking for her and I found her in a pawn shop with her pimp mores she jumped in my car and we fled the open road leaving everything behind us we had no cash no clothes we only had each other but we knew we would survive, any ways push comes to shove he killed her, right in front of me I would of killed the bastard there and then but he got me tied up to a pole, he tortured her before he killed her, so then he left me in there for me to die naturally but I got free and hunted him down like a wild dog, that’s when the duel kicked into place.

We slowly zoom back out of jacks blood shot eyes and realise he is now dead with the screaming body of mores below him.

The end.


its not very well formatted but it was the dialogue i needed u guys/gals to comment on

I like the voice over and i think some of the lines are really cool, like

"I made us a shot of jacks, then we got down to the intimate stuff."

Keep up your writing, your still young yet! :wink:

Thats pretty cool, it’s kinda like True Romance meets Sin city… Good job!

It would be easier to read in formated style. Try writing the next submission in that style. Here are some free software titles

Overall, it’s a little rushed. But pretty good. Watch your grammer.

well i did say it was’nt in format and yes it was done overall in 5 mins .

thanks bad max i was sorta goin for them looks

the whole V.O felt kinda awkward but other than that it was alright.

what u mean awkward? its like any other romantic noir style scrip :stuck_out_tongue:

now i se what ya mean