fade from black
sound of slowly thumping heartbeat
huge white words flash on screen: Have You Ever Wondered
What It Would Be Like
If You Could
Be
A
Monkey?
cue lame background music- dun dun dun
*narrator: “well today, one man has that opportunity. and he’s not going to let it go to waste”
MIRAMAX PICTURES IN ASSOCIATION WITH HERSHEY’S CORPORATION PRESENTS
THE ONE COMEDY THAT YOU MUST SEE THIS YEAR
wait approximately 5 seconds
MONKEY COCK: THE JIM CARREY STORY
STARRING: JIM CARREY
WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY: RON JEREMY
AND INTRODUCING: JAYCEE CHAN AS THE STEREOTYPICAL SILLY CHINESE GUY
IN THEATERS EVERYWHERE 2014
no one under the age of 72 will be admitted without parental permission
;DThat was friggin hilarious.
Heres my super cliche script for One Shitty Day
Man walking down the street in winter.
Narrator Jim’s life was going great. He had everthing a man could want. Until one day it all changed.
Man walking down street says, "God damn car."
Jim in office with hot chick. Hot chick kisses Jim. A woman walks in the door. Jim turns and sees her. "Amanda! It’s not what you think. She runs out.
Outside on the sidewalk. Amanda to Jim "We’re over."
Jim walking down street. Old beggar grabs Jim. Pulls him close and looks in his eyes.
Old Beggar say to Jim, "You are the one."
Jim standing with gun in living room. Window in house shatters. Vampire comes through. Jim turns and points gun at vampire. "Die you undead scumbag if that is possible."
Mummy chases Jim down a long corridor. "Stupid 2000 year old Egyptian curse."
Shot of dragon unfurling itself surrounded by fire infront of Jim whose clothes are ripped and blood stained. "This day just keeps getting worst."
Jim on phone in front of nuclear device with 2 minutes counting down. "Theres 3 different green wires which one am i suppose to cut. What do you mean guess."
Narrator Coming this christmas from the people who brought you Armageddon. Get ready for
ONE SHITTY DAY
Starring Ben Affleck, Tim Curry as Undead Scumbag, Denise Richards as Amanda and featuring James Cromwell as the President.
Hahahaahaha!
Sounds like a Masterpiece!
EXT. LA STREET-NIGHT
A high-speed police pursuit rips through downtown Los Angeles. Bullets fly between a beat up car full of gangsters and a cop played by SEAN PENN.
NARRATOR
Detective Russel Fletcher thought he had seen it all. every day, he wondered if he would end up dead.
Penn’s car flips over a pothole and explodes.
CUT TO BLACK
NARRATOR
But what if he wound up undead?
INT. LAPD OFFICE-DAY
ZOMBIE sean penn, in full uniform, hobbles through the door.
Meet Zombie Cop, the newest fear for crime.
INT. COMMISIONER’S OFFICE-DAY
The commisioner, played of course by a flustered-looking CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER, is yelling at Zombie cop.
COMMISIONER
Dammit, Zombie Cop, we have regulations, and you broke all of them with that stunt in the LA river (Author’s note to hollywood: We fucking get it, it would be cool to see a car roll on the LA river really fast. STOP SHOWING US. Sorry…)! Give me your badge!
Zombie Cop holds out his badge. The commisioner takes it…as well as his whole arm.
INT. CAR-DAY
Zombie Cop is sitting next to Jackie Chan.
NARRATOR
FEaturing Jackie Chan as Zombie Cops’ eccentric partner.
JACKIE
In China we-OH MY GOD!
Zombie Cop starts eating Jackie’s throat.
TBC
have you noticed how many trailers say (in a loud deep voice) “one man”? It annoys me!
did you notice that its all the same narrator? that fucker’s rich as shit
annywayz
INT. OFFICE - MORNING
FLOYD is sitting behind his desk working like a madman
FLOYD:
Get me those files on Carter, Kelly!
NARRATOR:
FLOYD is 25-year old stockbroker who lives a luxurious life filled with happyness, love and money
CUT TO BLACK
TRUMPETS!
NARRATOR:
But not today he ain’t!!
INT. FIELD - NOON
CUT TO FLOYD’s HEAD STUCK IN A HORSE’s ASS WITH A GUY SMOKING A CIG NEXT TO HIM
FLOYD:
(screaming)
Theres no gold in here, you fucker!!
GUY:
I said there’s gold in cash, not the horse’s ass!!
NARRATOR:
Because even for the most succesfull rich kids…
INT. OFFICE - MORNING
FLOYD:
(on the phone)
What do you mean i’m charged with childmolesting of 6 babies and a german sheperd??
NARRATOR:
… things can go wrong!!
THE GUY THAT WAS SMOKING BEFORE IS ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE LAUGHING LIKE A MADMAN
GUY:
(on the phone)
That’s right! We got the evidence right here! There’s no way back Floyd Johnson!
CUT TO BLACK
SOUND OF DIAL TONE
CUT TO
INT. OFFICE - MORNING
FLOYD IS HANGING HIMSELF WITH HIS BELT
GUY:
(on the phone, listening to the dialtone)
euhm, hello?
CUT TO
FLOYD STRUGGLING FOR BREATH
NARRATOR:
From New Line Cinema comes a movie wich will make you laugh…
CUT TO
INT. FIELD - NOON
THE HORSE FROM BEFORE FARTS AND SHOOTS FLOYD OUT OF HIS ASS LIKE 10 FEET IN THE AIR
GUY:
Whoa! that must be a record!
NARRATOR:
Cry…
CUT TO
INT. OFFICE - MORNING
BUNCH OF OFFICE WORKERS LOOKING AT THE HANGING CORPSE OF FLOYD
SECRETARY:
(wishpering)
I heard it had something to do with child molestation
NARRATOR:
And scare the crap out of you!
CUT TO
OFFICE WORKER THROWING PENS AND AT A DEAD FLOYD
GUY IN SUIT:
PEODOPHILE, ROT IN HELL!!
CUT TO BLACK
NARRATOR:
“FLOYD’s DAY AT THE OFFICE” SEE IT NOW!!!
CUT TO
INT. FIELD - NOON
A HORSE FARTS
the end
That’s not autobiographical by any chance, is it?
:’(
BLACK SCREEN
NARRATOR
It happens every day
EXT. BUSY HIGHWAY TRAFFIC - NIGHT
Sounds of traffic passing by, lights moving so fast they form one continuous line.
NARRATOR
On every street corner in the city
EXT. CITY STREET CORNER - NIGHT
Busy street corner with store windows lit and women walking back and forth in front of the stores. Cars drive by, some of them stop and the girls run up to them. A few hop into the cars.
CLOSE UP: FOUR PROSTITUTES STANDING ON THE CORNER
A blonde, a brunette, a transvestite and a mouse brown haired prostitue work the corner. The Blonde, Brunette and Transvestite pace back and forth, while the Brown haired one stands still.
NARRATOR
Women of the Night!
BLONDE HAIR
(to Brown hair)
Hey, you haven’t moved all night, you alright?
BROWN HAIR
Yeah
TRANSVESTITE
You got cramps?
BROWN HAIR
No
BRUNETTE
Hey, you ain’t done no business either.
You’re pimps gonna kick your ass.
The three prostitues laugh. BROWN HAIR doesn’t laugh.
BLONDE HAIR
Damn it’s cold out here, let’s go get some coffee.
TRANSVESTITE
Yeah, it’s a slow night anywho.
(to BROWN HAIR)
You commin’
BROWN HAIR
No, I’ll just stand here.
BRUNETTE
Whatever
The three prostitutes walk away.
CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON FACE OF BROWN HAIR
BROWN HAIR looks disgusted.
Words flash on screen as NARRATOR says them.
NARRATOR
WOMAN WITH SHIT IN HER PANTS.
EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY
Brown hair standing on same street corner with same disgusted look on her face.
NARRATOR
She’s standing there for a reason.
DIRECTED BY – JOHN WOO
BROWN HAIR - MEG RYAN
BLONDE HAIR - PAULA POUNDSTONE
TRANSVESTITE - TOM CRUISE
BRUNETTE- JENNIFER ANISTON
WRITTEN BY - THE COHEN BROTHERS
[code]BLACK SCREEN
NARRATOR
Coming Christmas 2005!
Clip of Rob Schnieder in Deuce Bigalow
NARRATOR (cont'd)
First he was a hooker
Clip of Rob Schneider in The Animal
NARRATOR (cont'd)
Then he was a Jackass, I mean
Donkey among other animals!
Clip of Rob Schnieder in The Hot Chick
NARRATOR (cont'd)
And Christmas last year he became a
really really hot chick!
TITTLE CARD:
THIS SUMMER ROB SCHNEIDER WILL BECOME
ADAM SANDLER
A GAY MUMMY FROM THE YEAR 3007 AD
WHO HAS TRAVELED TO THE FUTURE SO
HE CAN FIND HIS REAL FATHER.
EXT. CITY STREET - AFTERNOON
Rob Schneider as the Gay Mummy is walking down the street,
funky music plays, he passes by a hot guy and slaps his ass,
the mummy turns around and winks making a face at the hot guy
as a centipede crawls out of his nose and into his ear. The
hot guy runs away with his arms in the air and his scream as
loud as a spaceship taking off.
NARRATOR
But there is only one problem. His
father is...
INT. LABRATORY - NIGHT
A scientist holding a bucket of semen yells to the mummy...
SCIENTIST
SANTA CLAUS!
ROB SCHNIEDER
(dumb and gay [as usual]
SANTA. CLAUS.?
SCIENTIST
You must travel to the North Pole
immediately!
EXT. NIGHT SKY - NIGHT
Rob Schneider is ridding on a small airplane looking over the
beautiful earth.
NARRATOR
But he'll meet many evildoers on
the way!
A pirate ship pulls up next to the airplane and mini aborted
fetus's began eating the airplane.
ROB SCHNIEDER
Aborted Fetus's oh no!
NARRATOR
But that's not all.
EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY
A nuclear power plant is located next to Santa's Workshop.
Evil mutated elfs attack Rob Schneider, extreme action music
begins.
TITLE CARD:
THIS CHRISTMAS
Clip of the Mummy french kissing a super hot chick.
TITTLE CARD:
CHOOSE
Clip of the Mummy fighting the elfs, he kicks one square in
the nuts.
TITTLE CARD:
YOUR
Clip of Santa shooting a gun at Satan
TITLE CARD:
DESTINY
Various Clips of The Mummy fighting the elves. The aborted
fetuses, Satan, The Mummy doing A backflip onto a moving
truck, a fat chick farting, the mummy saying "You Can Do
it!", the hot chick the mummy was kisSing earlier about to
have her head chopped off and the mummy taking a dump.
ROB SCHNIEDER
Privacy. Please. TANK YOU.
MUSIC ENDS. TRAILER CREDITS PLAY
[/code]
NARRATOR - But that’s not all.
I’ll have to use that some day. 
You’ve seen him in action…
quick 2 second clip of swords clanging against each other
You’ve seen him save the world…
fucking fast ass montage of so much random shit that you have no idea what’s going on at all, but there’s cool sounding techno music in the background so it’s all good
Now, get ready…
To see…
HIS EVERDAY ROUTINES!
Wesley Snipes in a film written and directed by Slyvester Stallone:
BLADE 4: SWEATIN’ THE SMALL STUFF
cue hazy shot of sun rising through the window
shot of Wesley Snipes as Blade half naked in his bed
“Good thing this is my day off.”
Blade takes off sunglasses, looks directly at the camera, and says
“I was born a dancer, motherfucker”
(back to Narrator)
And for the first time, you will see him…
AT THE DISCO! 
insert random shots from Saturday Night Fever with Wesley Snipes’ head digitally inserted over Travolta’s body
BLADE 4: SWEATIN’ THE SMALL STUFF
“I just wanna be free!”
not coming soon to a theater near you
Narrator:He was considered crazy.
Inspector:Nick your a loose cannon.
Nick: I am just doing my job.
Inspector:I have to give you a parter.
Narrator:How about me.
Inspector:Yeah
Nick:This sound like a line from a bad movie.
Narrator:Sadly it is.
Buddy Cops in Funkytown 2:Electric buggalo