I know I’m probably sounding like a broken record with my feedback, but you are all doing the samething that needs correction.
TOO MANY WORDS! Ã‚Â
[quote]Inside of an amusement park haunted mansion. Ghosts projected on walls appear to creep along the walls as black carts full of TOURISTS roll by. The guests all point at the clever little illusions, laughing and smiling. Then JOSHUA BROCK rolls up. Joshua is an overweight boy in his late teens. He wears a green jacket, jeans, and a black tee-shirt that may have fit a few pounds back but now molds tightly to his round body. Greasy black hair hangs lightly over his face. Unlike the rest of the riders, he stares blankly into the wall, completely oblivious to the paranormal hijinks going on around him. Something deeply troubling and profoundly sad rests in his eyes; but not in a poor-me melodramatic sort of way, more of an empty sort of look[/quote]
Jesus christ is that a long slug-line. Ã‚Â
You don’t have to mention what someone is wearing unless it’s relevant to the story, and in this case it isn’t. Ã‚Â Scrap it. Ã‚Â I mean does it really matter the color of his coat? Ã‚Â Or the fact that he’s wearing a coat and jeans at all? Ã‚Â Allow the reader to assume the basic assumptions.
Remember, in screenwriting, you want to say the most using the least amount of possible words.
[quote]Something deeply troubling and profoundly sad rests in his eyes; but not in a poor-me melodramatic sort of way, more of an empty sort of look[/quote]
It sounds like you’re beating around the bush here. Ã‚Â It’s like you’re unsure of what you’re trying to say or second guessing yourself. Ã‚Â Know what you want to say and say it. Ã‚Â Make it precise. Ã‚Â What you’re trying to say is: there’s a sad look in his eyes, nothing more. Ã‚Â Say it and move on.
[quote]Winston World is the quintessential amusement park, with all kinds of rides jutting up into the sky.[/quote]
Don’t tell, SHOW. Ã‚Â I’ve said this many times before. Ã‚Â It’s like saying, “Billy is happy, and he wants to sing,” in an action line. Ã‚Â Just don’t say "Winston Worldis the quintessential amusement park, SHOW us that.
[quote]He looks to the right and sees the entrance to a tropical jungle. He walks toward the foliage.[/quote]
You’re saying too much, things that aren’t necessary in a screenplay. Ã‚Â Why mention that he looks to the RIGHT, as opposed to the left? Ã‚Â Does it matter? Ã‚Â Really. Ã‚Â
[quote]who nods his head and walks away, out of the jungle and into the main square of Winston World,[/quote]
Ditto my previous statement. Ã‚Â Not necessary; useless. Ã‚Â
[quote]You haven’t lived until you’ve done that. I suppose if I had to tell you who I was, I’d say my name is Josh Brock. I’d tell you how ridiculous my life is. I’d tell you all my bullshit problems. But you really don’t care[/quote]
Nothing is worst in a screenplay or any story for that matter, when you’re basically telling the audience that they won’t care about the protagonist or his goals. Ã‚Â Which only means one thing: a very boring story, if you don’t care what happens. Ã‚Â You want to get the readers interest at the beginning, not, “you’re not going to care about me or any of my problems.” Ã‚Â Because you know what that translates to: ZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Anyway, I’ll give you some more constructive criticism later, I’m pretty tired and going to sleep. Ã‚Â