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Transluscent's Grand Return to the Forum! Read my new Script! I SAID READ IT!


#1

Hey everybody. After a long leave of absence due to my crashed ass computer, I’m back on the forums! applause



I also just finished my new script. If you could read it and give me some feedback, I’d appreciate it. To briefly summarize it, its the story of a young, depressed guy trapped in a dead-end life in a community college living with his mom who spends his free time at “Winston World” (So Disney can’t sue my ass…) searching for a meaning to life. Throw in a young guerilla terrorist, sex and pirates, and a good solid bomb threat, and that sums it up in a nutshell.



http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1717182



I know the formatting is weird, but this site sucks and i can’t handle a geocities one. Enjoy, hopefully…


#2

ill read it and tell you what i think about it…


#3

weren’t you on here like a week ago?



i’ll read it sometime when i feel like it


#4

I posted like two things. I’m back to being a geek as per usual so I can get all five of those shiny stars by my name.



TRANSLATION: My girlfriend dumped me, I got nothing better to do now…


#5

man that was fucking depressing, i liked it, but i didnt like the ending, i dont think it should’ve ended that way…but thats my opinion.


#6

Do you have any advice on the ending? I thought about going with a happier one, but it felt like I was betraying the whole anti-conformist air around the lead by giving it the standard, happily-ever-after ending. But if you have any good ideas, please tell me.



And thanks for the feedback, yo! :stuck_out_tongue:


#7

[quote=“Mr.Transluscent”]
Do you have any advice on the ending? I thought about going with a happier one, but it felt like I was betraying the whole anti-conformist air around the lead by giving it the standard, happily-ever-after ending. But if you have any good ideas, please tell me.



And thanks for the feedback, yo! :stuck_out_tongue:
[/quote]


i think there should be a happy ending but i yea not one of those corny ones that ruin the film, idk if i think of one i'll tell u

#8

kinda like the one in Garden State?


#9

I know I’m probably sounding like a broken record with my feedback, but you are all doing the samething that needs correction.



TOO MANY WORDS! ÂÂ

[quote]Inside of an amusement park haunted mansion. Ghosts projected on walls appear to creep along the walls as black carts full of TOURISTS roll by. The guests all point at the clever little illusions, laughing and smiling. Then JOSHUA BROCK rolls up. Joshua is an overweight boy in his late teens. He wears a green jacket, jeans, and a black tee-shirt that may have fit a few pounds back but now molds tightly to his round body. Greasy black hair hangs lightly over his face. Unlike the rest of the riders, he stares blankly into the wall, completely oblivious to the paranormal hijinks going on around him. Something deeply troubling and profoundly sad rests in his eyes; but not in a poor-me melodramatic sort of way, more of an empty sort of look[/quote]

Jesus christ is that a long slug-line. ÂÂ



You don’t have to mention what someone is wearing unless it’s relevant to the story, and in this case it isn’t.  Scrap it.  I mean does it really matter the color of his coat?  Or the fact that he’s wearing a coat and jeans at all?  Allow the reader to assume the basic assumptions.



Remember, in screenwriting, you want to say the most using the least amount of possible words.

[quote]Something deeply troubling and profoundly sad rests in his eyes; but not in a poor-me melodramatic sort of way, more of an empty sort of look[/quote]

It sounds like you’re beating around the bush here.  It’s like you’re unsure of what you’re trying to say or second guessing yourself.  Know what you want to say and say it.  Make it precise.  What you’re trying to say is: there’s a sad look in his eyes, nothing more.  Say it and move on.

[quote]Winston World is the quintessential amusement park, with all kinds of rides jutting up into the sky.[/quote]



Don’t tell, SHOW.  I’ve said this many times before.  It’s like saying, “Billy is happy, and he wants to sing,” in an action line.  Just don’t say "Winston Worldis the quintessential amusement park, SHOW us that.

[quote]He looks to the right and sees the entrance to a tropical jungle. He walks toward the foliage.[/quote]

You’re saying too much, things that aren’t necessary in a screenplay.  Why mention that he looks to the RIGHT, as opposed to the left?  Does it matter?  Really. ÂÂ

[quote]who nods his head and walks away, out of the jungle and into the main square of Winston World,[/quote]

Ditto my previous statement.  Not necessary; useless. ÂÂ


[quote]You haven’t lived until you’ve done that. I suppose if I had to tell you who I was, I’d say my name is Josh Brock. I’d tell you how ridiculous my life is. I’d tell you all my bullshit problems. But you really don’t care[/quote]

Nothing is worst in a screenplay or any story for that matter, when you’re basically telling the audience that they won’t care about the protagonist or his goals.  Which only means one thing: a very boring story, if you don’t care what happens.  You want to get the readers interest at the beginning, not, “you’re not going to care about me or any of my problems.”  Because you know what that translates to: ZZZZZZZZZZZ.



Anyway, I’ll give you some more constructive criticism later, I’m pretty tired and going to sleep. ÂÂ


#10

Deliveryman, I agree with all of your points except for one, your final one. The character feels an incredible sense of self-loathing, so of course he doesn’t think anybody would care about his problems. It would be different if it was in the descriptive part of the script, but the character would feel that way, so I wrote what he would say. But the other ones in particular i agree with you on. This is also my first draft, and my first draft is where i really lay down in big detail what I want. Later I refine it to have a more correct format.



Thanks for the input!


#11

I don’t know man, directly telling the audience that they’re not going to care about him or his problems, especially at the beginning of a movie isn’t a good thing. Because that defeats the entire purpose of anyone wanting to see the movie.



They’re other, better ways to translate a “self-loathing” character. I suggest you find something else.



Your screenplay is fine for a first draft, remember, there’s no such thing as a bad first draft.


#12

^^MAJOR POINT ADDRESSED THERE^^



I jolted in my chair after I read that line. I loved it up until then. Your writing is very smooth, and the characters were introduced well. You have good characterization and dialogue, both vital elements to a screenplay.



Keep up the good work!

I’d like to see that as a movie!



P.S. Is the main guy fat? I forgot. Kinda cool for a fat guy to score a chick.


#13

i fucking hate voice overs so much and anyone who uses them should be shot. And they are truly amateurish.


#14

[quote=“the true gentleman”]
i fucking hate voice overs so much and anyone who uses them should be shot. And they are truly amateurish.
[/quote]

Then I guess MOMENTO wasn’t on your Christmas list.





V.O’s are appropriate when they move the story along and are placed right. They can become annoying when they are used improperly. I am now off to finish reading the screenplay.


#15

Deliveryman hit the nail on the head. Can’t say much more than that. Except. Your V.O’s man, one too many. Maybe have the character talk to the camera instead or just chalk all that extra dialogue up. Or better yet GIVE him someone to talk too. The first V.O is good, but the rest you can do without. I know you’re trying to develop something about the character with them, just find another way.