You’ve got to write a ONE MINUTE sample of your screenwriting talents. And it has to be new! With dialogue. And a well formed lead character(s). Is this too hard??? GO!
AFTERNOON - TOWN STREET - DAY
Andrew leaves his house and walks down the street, he notices a dirty rust colored dog following him. He continues his trek.
He stops in HOWSERÃ¢â‚¬â„¢S GROCERIES and picks up some gum and a loaf of bread. When he leaves, the dog is there again. Waiting on the street corner, staring at him.
Andrew gives the dog a curious look and he turns and trots away.
Andrew settles in the park on a bench and commences to feed the ducks. He lowers his head in thought for a moment. When he looks up, the dog is lying in the grass grooming himself across the pond.
In an annoyed state, Andrew takes the rest of the bread and throws it at the ducks. Gets up off the bench and leaves the park.
He walks for a hour out of town. He walks along a dusty stretch of road and stops. Turns around to walk back home and there is the dog directly behind him.
Shoo! Get away from me!
The dog stands there.
Andrew walks closer. The dog doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t move. Andrew walks right up to the dog, confronting him.
Why are you following me?!
Did you find him?
Andrew falls off his feet and lands on his ass. He sits there, mouth agape.
You, You, You spoke!
Did you find him? God.
The dog begins to trot away.
Wait! You spoke!
Andrew gets up and begins to follow the dog as he walks away.
There are more fascinating things in the world than me.
IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve just never seen a dog talk before.
You wanted to know why your grandmother died.
She loved god and he let her go.
She was old. You get old you die. The end.
Andrew stopped walking.
Is that youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re answer?
IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not god. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m just a dog.
Andrew stands and watches the dog trot down the road.
you’re one of the few very good writers on here where I feel you can start to be your own “expert” on your writing.
first of all, i really liked that little scene you wrote there. i thought it was very clever even though it started off slow, but you really picked it up during the middle to the end.
but here are some of my critiques.
uhm, a couple minor things that you might want to think about:
- before you bust out the old thesaurus in your brain, consider the mood you’re setting or aiming for in the movie. it really helps the reader visualize and connect with the story.
[quote]Andrew leaves his house and walks down the street, he notices a dirty rust colored dog following him. He continues his trek.[/quote]
okay, so i’m thinking here’s andrew, not really busy i assume, y’know just on his way to pick up some gum and a loaf of bread at a grocerey store. he notices a dog following him, no big deal right?
then all of a sudden you throw in the word, “trek,” which now completely messes up my visualization of whats going on, bacause: when i think of the word “trek,” i think hard, life-hanging in the balance sort’ve thing, epic journey. it’s completely the wrong word to use here, maybe “stroll” or “saunter,” but definitely not trek.
[quote]Andrew settles in the park on a bench and commences to feed the ducks.[/quote]
for something so simple, such as feeding ducks, “commence” just sounds a too big of word for the situation.
when picking and choosing your words, always think about what’s going on, what are the characters doing? what is the mood like? etc.
2) very minor thing, just cut down on the unecessary words, especially here:
[quote] In an annoyed state, Andrew takes…"[/quote]
Could simply be: Annoyed, Andrew takes…
but other than that, i thought it was very good.