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#1

You’ve got to write a ONE MINUTE sample of your screenwriting talents. And it has to be new! With dialogue. And a well formed lead character(s). Is this too hard??? GO!



FADE IN:



AFTERNOON - TOWN STREET - DAY



Andrew leaves his house and walks down the street, he notices a dirty rust colored dog following him. He continues his trek.



He stops in HOWSER’S GROCERIES and picks up some gum and a loaf of bread. When he leaves, the dog is there again. Waiting on the street corner, staring at him.



Andrew gives the dog a curious look and he turns and trots away.



Andrew settles in the park on a bench and commences to feed the ducks. He lowers his head in thought for a moment. When he looks up, the dog is lying in the grass grooming himself across the pond.

In an annoyed state, Andrew takes the rest of the bread and throws it at the ducks. Gets up off the bench and leaves the park.



He walks for a hour out of town. He walks along a dusty stretch of road and stops. Turns around to walk back home and there is the dog directly behind him.



ANDREW

Shoo! Get away from me!



The dog stands there.



Andrew walks closer. The dog doesn’t move. Andrew walks right up to the dog, confronting him.



ANDREW (CONT’D)

Why are you following me?!



DOG

Did you find him?



Andrew falls off his feet and lands on his ass. He sits there, mouth agape.



ANDREW

You, You, You spoke!



DOG

Did you find him? God.



ANDREW

Uh, no.



DOG

Oh.



The dog begins to trot away.



ANDREW

Wait! You spoke!



Andrew gets up and begins to follow the dog as he walks away.



DOG

There are more fascinating things in the world than me.



ANDREW

I’ve just never seen a dog talk before.



DOG

You wanted to know why your grandmother died.



ANDREW

She loved god and he let her go.



DOG

She was old. You get old you die. The end.



Andrew stopped walking.



ANDREW

Is that you’re answer?



DOG

I’m not god. I’m just a dog.



Andrew stands and watches the dog trot down the road.



FADE OUT.


#2

John

Die you son of a bitch



He shoots his semi-auto pistol at the gas tank as the car drives away. The bullets pierce the shell of the car disappearing into the black holes they make.



It goes past him and straight into the distance kicking up the loose dust on the dirt road.





John

(disappointed)

Always works in GTA.



End





Man 1 minute is not enough. Maybe you should try a 10 minute instead.


#3

OK. It is now. Ten Minutes. At Weasel’s request.



TEN MINUTES!!!


#4

This actually came in timed at 17 minutes :frowning: I cheated.



FADE IN:



INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT



The doors open in this 40’s lavish hotel-style elevator decked out in plush red fabric and a raven-haired WOMAN in a business suit steps inside.



A young male OPERATOR, wearing a red bellhop suit and a little hat with the tassel on it like a monkey would wear, stands next to the manual lever, the hand control for the lift, smacking his gum incessantly.



WOMAN

Going down?



OPERATOR

Yep.



She watches the numbers above the door as they count down from fifty to B4. She can’t help but smile.



OPERATOR

You sure look happy ‘bout sumthin’.



He smacks his gum even louder.



WOMAN

I just got a big promotion.



OPERATOR

On your way down there now?



WOMAN

(nodding)

Uh huh.



OPERATOR

Big bonus?



WOMAN

Yup.



OPERATOR

What’d you do?



WOMAN

Cut him a deal. Next thing I know I’m talkin’ to you, ready to live out the rest of my time in totally stress-free happiness.



OPERATOR

And the smile?



WOMAN

The smile I wear because I finally get to get away from those zombie motherfuckers on the upper levels. Boring as hell goody-goody fuckasses. I’m so tired of all their ‘holier than thou’ propaganda bullshit.



OPERATOR

Same here. Goin’ crazy up there. Finally, I went to the boss and begged him to get me outta that hellhole up there. Now I’m down here, with the common folk. The way I like it.



The numbers drop past 30.



OPERATOR

It gets a little warm sometimes, probably the fumes, but it’s not so bad.



The car suddenly stops. The doors ding open. A man in a positively dapper black pinstripe suit, LOU, enters.



LOU

Going down?



OPERATOR

Everybody is.



The doors close.



LOU

How’s it goin’ kiddo?



OPERATOR

Just fine, Lou. How’s the biz?



LOU

Thriving.



The numbers drop past 20.



Lou claws at his tie.



LOU

Damn, I can’t wait to get outta this monkey-suit. The one underneath, I mean.



OPERATOR

I hear ya. Chafin’ like hell.



LOU

Oh, and Cynthia, don’t worry about your contract - your job was never in jeopardy.



Her smile drops. She looks confused.



The numbers drop past 10.



CYNTHIA

Hmm? I’m sorry? What was that?



LOU

Your contract with the firm. It extends well beyond your time up there.



CYNTHIA

Do I know you?



LOU

Oh. I am sorry. I do change my outfit quite extensively sometimes.



She’s beginning to look worried.



Past 5.



LOU

You see, the great thing about this firm Cynthia is that we… go on. Our firm has always been here. In one form or another. And it always will, as long as business keeps… thriving.



CYNTHIA

What are you talking about?



LOU

This firm doesn’t survive if we just let our employees walk out the door. We just… put them to use another way.



OPERATOR

(to Cynthia)

And here you thought you were gonna be makin’ the big bucks.



LOU

Not now, son. Daddy’s talking.



The number drops to B1. It begins to slow.



Cynthia looks terrified, dumbfounded.



LOU

Every job in this firm is too important to let slip through my fingers. You see, Cynthia, the world doesn’t work in spite of us. It works with us. It works because of us.



Past B2.



LOU

That’s why we’ll always be here.



It crawls past B3.



LOU

And so will you.



B4. The doors ding open. A splash of light and heat fall on Cynthia’s now pale face, the cause not yet revealed.



CYNTHIA

But… we had a deal…



ANGLE: A clawed hand grabs Cynthia’s wrist tightly.



Lou tugs Cynthia out of the elevator against her will into



INT. FIERY ABYSS



She screams. Lou can only smile as he pulls her into the distance, kicking and screaming.



In the distance the bright light inside the elevator shines on as the elevator doors stay open inside the fiery abyss. The Operator stands, looking right at us.



OPERATOR

(calling out)

He LIES! Don’t you get that by now?!



The elevator door dings.



OPERATOR

Have a nice day.



The doors close.



THE END


#5

Did you guys actually read the scripts aloud and time it?


#6

I think it’s you have 10 minutes to write it – not 10 minutes of actual footage.


#7

Let’s clarify. It’s 10mins to write it, sorry about that. At first I wanted 1 min of footage, but there was confusion so the final skinny is 10 mins to write.



10 Minutes to Write 10 Minutes to Write 10 Minutes to Write


#8

I don’t know if this is the kind of self-contained short story you were looking for, but it was done in ten minutes and isn’t apart of anything else. I just had this setting and these characters in my mind.







INT. OFFICE – DAY



CHARLOTTE and AMADEUS sit facing the camera, which is obviously the PRINCIPAL. This being a school.



PRINCIPAL (O/S)

How old are you two?



CHARLOTTE

Twenty four.



AMADEUS

Twenty five.



PRINCIPAL (O/S)

You are the youngest parents in this school.



CHARLOTTE

I don’t get your point?



PRINCIPAL (O/S)

Isn’t twenty four and twenty five a little young to have a fifteen year old girl?



AMADEUS

No.



CHARLOTTE

She’s adopted.



We now see the principal.



PRINCIPAL

I seriously question whether you two can raise a teenager.



CHARLOTTE

There have been no complaints yet.



PRINCIPAL

How long has she been under your care?



CHARLOTTE

Three months.



PRINCIPAL

It will only get more difficult.



AMADEUS

What does this have to do with you?



PRINCIPAL

Your daughter was in a fight today.



CHARLOTTE

A fight?



PRINCIPAL

She assaulted another student.



CHARLOTTE

There are two sides to every story.



PRINCIPAL

Either way, Mrs Valentine, the school frowns on fighting.



AMADEUS

Did she win?



PRINCIPAL

There are no winners in a fight as far as the school is concerned.



CHARLOTTE

What happened to the other girl?



PRINCIPAL

It was a boy.


#9

Exactly… self contained… you know… feedback is allowed…


#10

Int House Kitchen

A man sits at the kitchen table eating his cereal and watching cartoons on a television in the family room.



Another man walks into the room. He goes to the cupboard and opens it. He turns and looks at the table, then the counter. He looks agitated.



Sadam

Hey, Where’s the damn pops.



Son

I ate the rest.



Sadam get even redder.



Sadam

You ate it all. There was a third of a box left!



He looks at the bowl his son is eating from.



Sadam

Good Mohammed look at that bowl. Thats not a cereal bowl, thats a damn stirring pot.



Son

Gotta have my pops, pops.



Sadam

If you weren’t my legitimate son I would have killed you long ago.



Another man walks in.



Adviser

Good morning sir.



Sadam

Good morning John. Whats on the agenda for today.



Adviser

Well you got a meeting with Reagan One.



Sadam

Must you insist on calling him that, you know the fake is dead.



Adviser

Yes. Yes. He should arrive at noon.



Sadam

I can’t believe they brought him back.



Two more men walk in. Its George Bush and Bill Clinton.



Bush

Amazing what you can do with stem cells.



Everyone laughs.



A man covered in sweat rushes in.



Adviser 2

Bush and Clinton are…



He sees them both. Then slaps himself hard on the head with his palm.



Adviser 2

Oh Man!!! Not again!



And this concludes this horrible sitcom.


#11

Don’t be ashamed about the comedies you write.



I actually admire people who give a crack on writing comedies. It’s by far the hardest genre to be sucessful in. I wish I had the balls to write comodies and show people.


#12

[quote=“WeaselCo”]
Int House Kitchen

A man sits at the kitchen table eating his cereal and watching cartoons on a television in the family room.



Another man walks into the room. He goes to the cupboard and opens it. He turns and looks at the table, then the counter. He looks agitated.



Sadam

Hey, Where’s the damn pops.



Son

I ate the rest.



Sadam get even redder.



Sadam

You ate it all. There was a third of a box left!



He looks at the bowl his son is eating from.



Sadam

Good Mohammed look at that bowl. Thats not a cereal bowl, thats a damn stirring pot.



Son

Gotta have my pops, pops.



Sadam

If you weren’t my legitimate son I would have killed you long ago.



Another man walks in.



Adviser

Good morning sir.



Sadam

Good morning John. Whats on the agenda for today.



Adviser

Well you got a meeting with Reagan One.



Sadam

Must you insist on calling him that, you know the fake is dead.



Adviser

Yes. Yes. He should arrive at noon.



Sadam

I can’t believe they brought him back.



Two more men walk in. Its George Bush and Bill Clinton.



Bush

Amazing what you can do with stem cells.



Everyone laughs.



A man covered in sweat rushes in.



Adviser 2

Bush and Clinton are…



He sees them both. Then slaps himself hard on the head with his palm.



Adviser 2

Oh Man!!! Not again!



And this concludes this horrible sitcom.
[/quote]

Pretty good stuff. I think you should call it “That’s My Bush.”


#13

I too wish I could write comedy. I can inject a line, but a whole script or situation, nah.


#14

[quote=“roulette67”]
You’ve got to write a ONE MINUTE sample of your screenwriting talents. And it has to be new! With dialogue. And a well formed lead character(s). Is this too hard??? GO!



FADE IN:



AFTERNOON - TOWN STREET - DAY



Andrew leaves his house and walks down the street, he notices a dirty rust colored dog following him. He continues his trek.



He stops in HOWSER’S GROCERIES and picks up some gum and a loaf of bread. When he leaves, the dog is there again. Waiting on the street corner, staring at him.



Andrew gives the dog a curious look and he turns and trots away.



Andrew settles in the park on a bench and commences to feed the ducks. He lowers his head in thought for a moment. When he looks up, the dog is lying in the grass grooming himself across the pond.

In an annoyed state, Andrew takes the rest of the bread and throws it at the ducks. Gets up off the bench and leaves the park.



He walks for a hour out of town. He walks along a dusty stretch of road and stops. Turns around to walk back home and there is the dog directly behind him.



ANDREW

Shoo! Get away from me!



The dog stands there.



Andrew walks closer. The dog doesn’t move. Andrew walks right up to the dog, confronting him.



ANDREW (CONT’D)

Why are you following me?!



DOG

Did you find him?



Andrew falls off his feet and lands on his ass. He sits there, mouth agape.



ANDREW

You, You, You spoke!



DOG

Did you find him? God.



ANDREW

Uh, no.



DOG

Oh.



The dog begins to trot away.



ANDREW

Wait! You spoke!



Andrew gets up and begins to follow the dog as he walks away.



DOG

There are more fascinating things in the world than me.



ANDREW

I’ve just never seen a dog talk before.



DOG

You wanted to know why your grandmother died.



ANDREW

She loved god and he let her go.



DOG

She was old. You get old you die. The end.



Andrew stopped walking.



ANDREW

Is that you’re answer?



DOG

I’m not god. I’m just a dog.



Andrew stands and watches the dog trot down the road.



FADE OUT.
[/quote]

roulette,



you’re one of the few very good writers on here where I feel you can start to be your own “expert” on your writing.



first of all, i really liked that little scene you wrote there. i thought it was very clever even though it started off slow, but you really picked it up during the middle to the end.



but here are some of my critiques.



uhm, a couple minor things that you might want to think about:

  1. before you bust out the old thesaurus in your brain, consider the mood you’re setting or aiming for in the movie. it really helps the reader visualize and connect with the story.

    for example: [quote]Andrew leaves his house and walks down the street, he notices a dirty rust colored dog following him. He continues his trek.[/quote]

okay, so i’m thinking here’s andrew, not really busy i assume, y’know just on his way to pick up some gum and a loaf of bread at a grocerey store. he notices a dog following him, no big deal right?



then all of a sudden you throw in the word, “trek,” which now completely messes up my visualization of whats going on, bacause: when i think of the word “trek,” i think hard, life-hanging in the balance sort’ve thing, epic journey. it’s completely the wrong word to use here, maybe “stroll” or “saunter,” but definitely not trek.

[quote]Andrew settles in the park on a bench and commences to feed the ducks.[/quote]
for something so simple, such as feeding ducks, “commence” just sounds a too big of word for the situation.



when picking and choosing your words, always think about what’s going on, what are the characters doing? what is the mood like? etc.



2) very minor thing, just cut down on the unecessary words, especially here:
[quote] In an annoyed state, Andrew takes…"[/quote]
Could simply be: Annoyed, Andrew takes…



but other than that, i thought it was very good.

nice work.


#15

Ah, cool I get it now. I’m trying to get my current screenplay

“contest ready” right now but I’ll probly try this out. I’m a pretty

slow writer though so we’ll see what happens.


#16

[quote=“deliveryman”]
first of all, i really liked that little scene you wrote there. i thought it was very clever even though it started off slow, but you really picked it up during the middle to the end.



but here are some of my critiques.
[/quote]

You are right. I just banged it out without a second read. A big mistake that I know better than doing. Thanks for reminding me. :wink:


#17

Here’s my crack at it.



EXT. OUTSIDE BUILDING-NIGHT.



No lights exist at this place in the city as two men sit at a corner. One man dishelved and broken named BARRY, and the other a nice looking man wearing a expensive suit named NICK. Barry takes out a gun as Nick lights a cigarette.



NICK

You sure you want to do this?



BARRY

What do you mean I’m sure? Of course I am.



NICK

This could mean the end for you, you know that right? You kill her then you live the rest of your life in prison.



BARRY

That doesn’t matter man! She broke my heart!



NICK

You never talked to her.



BARRY

So?



NICK

How can she have broken your heart when you had never even met her?



BARRY

You don’t understand…



Barry, eyes filled with tears, goes to his knees.



BARRY (CONT’D)

Every day I’ve seen her, every minute I think about her, and every night I wish she was with me.



NICK

But, you never had the guts to talk to her.



BARRY

I did.



NICK

Oh? Then why didn’t you?



BARRY

Because she was with her fucking boyfriend! How could the love of my life be with another man? Is that right?



NICK

For one thing you don’t know she is the love of your life. You’ve spoken to her, or have heard her thoughts. You’re judging everything on beauty, and beauty doesn’t turn everything to gold my friend.



BARRY

No, you see this is what’s going to happen. I’m going shoot her right in the head, and then I’m going to shoot myself, and then her and I will be together forever.



NICK

I can’t let you do that.



Nick picks Barry up by his shirt collar and throws him up on the wall showing unusual strength.



NICK

Have long have we been friends Barry?



Barry is to shocked to speak.



NICK

How long have we been friends?



BARRY

As long as I can remember.



NICK

Then listen to me Barry. If you go in there with your intentions then you will have thrown a what could be great life away, and all for a girl that you don’t even know. I mean I know you’ve had women trouble, but this is ridiculous.



Nick takes the gun away from Barry.



NICK

If you want her that bad, then get to know her. Please just talk to her, but first you gotta clean yourself up a bit. Ever since you’ve seen her you’ve slowly and slowly became shit so how about I buy you dinner, and will get you home, and will see what happens from there.



Nick drops Barry.



BARRY

…Okay.



NICK

Come on.



Barry and Nick turn around and walk down the alley. A sparkle of light is then shown around Nick, as two angel wings pop out his back in a beautiful fashion.



THE END


#18

Well, this topic has slowed down. And there was only one critique.


#19

[quote=“DomesticatedMatt”]
Here’s my crack at it.



Barry and Nick turn around and walk down the alley. A sparkle of light is then shown around Nick, as two angel wings pop out his back in a beautiful fashion.



THE END
[/quote]

I do like it. But I feel that Nick’s vocabulary is a little too reasonable and too intelligent. A little more character would be nice, they are kind of flat. The angel bit, still was a surprise. It would have been a bigger one if Nick was more like a guy who hung around and was just one of the guys.


#20

[quote=“Angel”]
Well, this topic has slowed down. And there was only one critique.
[/quote]

[color=blue][size=140]160 PEOPLE HAVE READ THIS THREAD?! WHERE ARE YOU?[/size]