A Parody of Jackie Brown by Elmore Leonard/Quentin Tarantino
OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE: Set to the song “Brickhouse” by The Commodores.
We see Taffy riding her scooter slowly down the street as the music plays. Shes one thick chick! She looks like a mix of Shirley on Whats Happenin meets Yaphet Kotto meets Aretha Franklin. She wears a motorycle helmet that hangs off her head due to the mile of hair extensions shes wearing. Her outfit is bright pink and very tight.
(Backstory: Taffy Brown is a waitress at Sukiyaki Cruller, a Japanese Food/German donut shop in LA. She is tired of being poor and overweight and wearing bad lookin hair extensions. On the side, she delivers “homemade cookies” for her unofficial boss, a part time drug dealer, low budget Famous Amos wannabe named Keyshawn Tobbie (pronounced TOE-BEE). Keyshawn is a badass who dresses like a gangster pimp. He owns Keyshawn’s Kookies.)
On a TV screen showing Teletubbies. They are bouncing around and falling down. One of them kicks the other in the ass. It falls down.
We hear Keyshawn’s trademark pimp laugh. He laughs so hard he starts to choke.
We see Keyshawn bent over coughing. His friend is slapping him on the back. This man is Luigi Marinara, an old friend of Keyshawn’s. They did time together at San Fellatio Prison years back. Luigi is now a free man again and visiting his friend.
Keyshawn gets his breath again and we hear another laugh, more like a girlish giggle from offscreen.
A chubby white trash girl wearing a Mickey Mouse t shirt, and tan shorts, smoking a bong. This is Melissa Halston, Keyshawns live in ho.
Melissa (sarcastically whining): You almost died that tiiiiiime Keyshawwwwn.
Keyshawn (angrily still coughing abit): SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP…BITCH!
Melissa (whining): Keyyyy-shawwwwwwn.
Luigi: Melissa, Just be quiet ok? Dont say another word ok?
Luigi is shaking and very nervous like hes ready to snap, he lights another Red Apple cigarette.
Melissa (whining): LUUUU-IIIIGIIIIIIIII.
Keyshawn and Luigi both grab Melissa and they take turns giving her charlie horses and wedgies.
Keyshawn (sitting on Melissas head): TAKE THAT BITCH!!
Luigi (goin nuts): Shut up! Just shut up!
Melissa (whining irritatingly): Stopp iiiiiiiit!!!
We hear a RIP.
Melissa (whining angrily n loudly): YOU LOUSY SONS OF BITCHES TORE MY NEW PANTIES!!!
Keyshawn: You lucky we didnt tear you a new ASSHOLE!
Luigi (now calm, holding a piece of torn pantie): YEAH!
Keyshawn: what…the…fuck?..BITCH YOU SPILT BONG WATER ALL OVER MY GODDAMN FLOOR! YOU BETTA CLEAN THAT SHIT UP!!
Melissa runs bareass into the bathroom crying. Her lardass jiggles like the Teletubbies on TV earlier. Before she slams the door we hear a fart.
lol. Good title.
you gotta give us the next episode
The phone rings and Keyshawn goes and answers it.
Keyshawn: Yo!..Hey my FRIEND, whats goin down?..oh SHOOT, no you didnt…you in jail?..you stole some ladie’s pocketbook? What kind of peanut head FRIEND stuff is that?..yeah, I’ll bail you out, you my FRIEND aint ya?..stop bitchin, I’ll hit the bail bondsman right now…no…yeah…good lookin out FRIEND.
Key hangs up the phone.
Luigi: Whats up?
Keyshawn: That dumb mothafuckin FRIEND…that was Lamont, he works for me. Got hisself thrown in jail for heisting some old broads pocketbook. Now I gotta bail his sorry ass out. You wanna come with me?
Keyshawn (yelling): HEY MELISSA! WHEN YOURE DONE TAKIN A SQUAT MAKE SURE TO CLEAN UP THAT MOTHERFUCKIN BONG WATER YOU SPILT OR I WILL TEAR YOU A NEW ASSHOLE WHEN I GET BACK!!
We take a few beats and we hear a loud fart from the bathroom.
TITLE CARD: 15 minutes later…
Keyshawn pulling up to Rex Berry’s Bail Bonds in his pimped out VW Bug.
He and Luigi enter and sit down.
Key: You Rex?
Rex: Yeah, hold on… (Rex continues talking to a client)
Key: Hey Luigi, why dont you go outside, listen to some tunes. Heres my ipod. Lots of good shit on there: Joe Tex, Pacific Gas & Electric, The Coasters…
Luigi: I love those groups…you got any Jack Nitzsche?
Key: This is Keyshawn youre talkin to, of course I got Nitzsche. Last Race mothafucka.
Luigi: Oops, I just deleted your tracks by accident.
Key: You WHAT?!!! I have 26,000 songs on that bitch (the ipod not Luigi)!!!
Key: You cruisin for a bruisin Luigi, you tortellini eatin Goomba mothafucka.
Luigi giggles as he walks out.
Key (under his breath): …I dont get it…FRIEND dont say nothin for weeks and he pulls THAT stuff on my ass (pimp laugh). I cant believe that shit.
Rex: What can I do for you?
Key: Uh, I got a friend whos in jail, need you to bail him out.
Rex: Ya dont say?..Whats this friends name?
Rex: Last name?
Key: Uhhhhh, hold on…its uhhhh…its on the tip of my tongue…ummmm…Cranston!!
Rex: Where have I heard that name before?
Key: Can ya do it? He works for me and without him, Im gonna be losin money myself.
Rex: What did Lamont get arrested for?
Key: Jackin some old ladies pocketbook.
Rex: Nice…OK, its gonna run you $1,000…hey do I know you?
(Key reaches into his Lakers bag and pulls out a shirt with his face on the front and holds it up)
Key: Keyshawn Tobbie’s the name, Makin Delicious Cookies is my game.
Rex: Heyyy, I knew I knew you! Keyshawn’s Kookies! You make DAMN good Malamars!
Key (flattered): Well, thaaaaank you very much Rex. Just for that I’m gonna send you a free box.
Luigi sittin in the car jamming to “Down in Mexico” by The Coasters. Hes really into the song so much that hes pantomiming the lyrics and acting them out.
Keyshawn and Rex OUTSIDE watching Luigi INSIDE the car. Luigi is oblivious to them cuz hes so preoccupied with this cool song. Meanwhile, Rex and Key are laughing their asses off outside.