Please tell me what you think.
Dr. Patterson: how could you let yourself get this way?
Rod:like what?
Dr. Patterson:you know. your smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods. and you seem very depressed.
Rod:it’s been 6 Months since my Abby died in the car crash with my wife sarah in car as well. her brother was driving,
he just had his lisense suspended that bastard. next thing they know he’s cutting the radio up louder and
he hits a tree my wife and daughter necks snapped cause they always wear there seatbeats.
Dr. Patterson:how about the brother.
Rod:oh if you can believe it he got the worst. at that second when he hit the tree he was trying to change the radio station,
head right into the radio knocked out three of his teeth.
Dr.Patterson:thats rough
Rod:rough? i hope he’s in hell with lawyers and judges
Dr.Patterson:well mr.watson i’ve been your doctor for some quite time but i’ve never heard that story
Rod:yeah thats because no one else cares. why should they really. i dont care when i hear about someones family
in misery like this, but it’s different when the tables are turned.
Dr. Patterson:well sir if you dont change your style of living you will die in the next 5 to 10 years
Rod:really? thats a shame. did you know i use to be a vegetrian
Dr.Patterson:no
Rod:Patterson:yeah. i use be the guy cheering for no smoke rules in bars. now I smoke 2 packs a day. im trying to work my way up to 3
Dr.Patterson:why do you do this to yourself
Rod:listen i dont care, i just dont care anymore. i drink i smoke i eat all the shitty food i can get pumped into my fucking body. cause i want to die
Dr. Patterson:than why dont you commit suicide
Rod:i dont know. maybe because im afraid too. all i know if some guy pulls a gun on me in the street im not gonna stop him.
Dr.Patterson:sir i dont think you know what your saying
Rod:well i dont care anymore what you think
Dr. Patterson:than why did you come to see me
Rod: i was hoping you would tell me if i had cancer or a tumor something i could go celebrite
Dr. Patterson: what would you do if i did tell you had some slow spreading disease.
Rod:well if i had some disease that would kill me in say two to three weeks. I would a rob a bank probably. something crazy.
I just got a headache 
hmmmm
I guess I’ve got some time on my hands, and I rarely use my drunkeness
for good.
First things first. Visit this site: http://www.screenwriting.info/01.php
then get on google and search out a few more like it. I think there might
be a free screenwriting word processor on the web somewhere too, maybe
someone could shout out the name of it in a reply.
Second remember that as a screenwriter your allowed to use more than
dialogue to advance your story. Your characters say way too much and
you show us nothing. Maybe start the scene by describing the room.
Surround Rod in empty beer cans/bottles, an over flowing ash tray and
fast food containers.
[quote]Rod:it’s been 6 Months since my Abby died in the car crash with my wife sarah in car as well. her brother was driving, he just had his lisense suspended that bastard. next thing they know he’s cutting the radio up louder and he hits a tree my wife and daughter necks snapped cause they always wear there seatbeats.
[/quote]
I would make this the opening scene then pull a “Six Months Later” gimick.
and cut this dialogue. If nothing else at least smooth those lines out a bit.
The first letter in every sentence should be the bigger version of that letter
and when a character asks a question you should end it with one of these ?.
Seem to have forgotten alot of your periods too. Those kind of things make it
hard to get through as a reader.
That’s all I got. I’m by no means an expert so feel free to not taking any advice
I give but at least go to the link I posted, maybe read some real scripts and learn
the format. Then try again, and try again, and try again.
Yeah when I was writing this I was going real fast and I was gonna come back and add all that I missed. I wrote this a while back. I’ll try to write more. Thanks for the help.
[quote=“DexPac”]
I guess I’ve got some time on my hands, and I rarely use my drunkeness
for good.
First things first. Visit this site: http://www.screenwriting.info/01.php
then get on google and search out a few more like it. I think there might
be a free screenwriting word processor on the web somewhere too, maybe
someone could shout out the name of it in a reply.
Second remember that as a screenwriter your allowed to use more than
dialogue to advance your story. Your characters say way too much and
you show us nothing. Maybe start the scene by describing the room.
Surround Rod in empty beer cans/bottles, an over flowing ash tray and
fast food containers.
I would make this the opening scene then pull a “Six Months Later” gimick.
and cut this dialogue. If nothing else at least smooth those lines out a bit.
The first letter in every sentence should be the bigger version of that letter
and when a character asks a question you should end it with one of these ?.
Seem to have forgotten alot of your periods too. Those kind of things make it
hard to get through as a reader.
That’s all I got. I’m by no means an expert so feel free to not taking any advice
I give but at least go to the link I posted, maybe read some real scripts and learn
the format. Then try again, and try again, and try again.
[/quote]
I pretty much agree with everything you said.
However, what I’m about to point out runs much deeper than formatting issues. It has to do with: writing ability, character consistency and movie logic.
Honestly, before you even start worry about formatting properly you have got to understand what is drastically wrong here.
First of all:
Dr. Patterson and Rod seem to have a rather personal relationship. I sensed this by the way they interacted with eachother. Dr. Patterson even mentions that he’s even been Rod’s doctor for a very long time. He even asks such an demeaning question such as “How could you let yourself get like this?” And then he goes and asks for specific details regarding his brother inlaw’s death.
Right, so I’m thinking they’re pretty tight or something. Like the visual image that is going through my mind is that Dr. Patterson is probably perched on his desk y’know, feet dangling, having a very casual conversation.
Then all of a sudden you bust out these lines:
[quote]Dr. Patterson:well sir if you dont change your style of living you will die in the next 5 to 10 years
[/quote]
Sir? He’s a sir now? After all that? WTF.
[quote]Dr.Patterson:well mr.watson i’ve been your doctor for some quite time but i’ve never heard that story[/quote]
Mr. Watson? Again… How about Rod, or Roddy or some ridiculous nickname. That would flow much better.
[quote]Dr.Patterson:sir i dont think you know what your saying[/quote]
Yet again . Make up your mind. Also that last quote he insults him, and still refers to him as a “sir” in the very same sentence… classic!
Do you see the contradiction here? The dialogue does not mesh with the mood / interaction of the characters at all.
Like I said, you want to paint the best possible visual image in the readers head. That’s ALL what screenwriting is… nothing more. And this is just flat out confusing. I don’t know if the Doctor is being sarcastic, or if he’s just being an asshole, or if they’re friends. No clue whatsoever.
Secondly:
[quote]
Rod:it’s been 6 Months since my Abby died in the car crash with my wife sarah in car as well. her brother was driving,
he just had his lisense suspended that bastard. next thing they know he’s cutting the radio up louder and
he hits a tree my wife and daughter necks snapped cause they always wear there seatbeats.[/quote]
Now this… well this I spit out my water that I was drinking when I read this.
This has to be the most forced, wooden peice of dialogue I have ever come across. I have a VERY hard time believing ANYONE would say that about their wife and daughter’s (I assume) death. Just one word can describe that:
[size=140]WOODEN[/size]
You’re also revealing WAY too much within a single scene. Bro, you want to leave some suspense up to the reader. How long do you plan on making this script, because from what I’ve read and from the exposition that you have revealed; I possibly cannot fathom this script going beyond 20 pages (max).
You’re telling us too much. Show us! Show us! Show us! SHOW US! Show us the car crash, show us him drinking and smoking his life away, SHOW US!
Anybody can write a scene where they have a character describe everything that’s happened. It’s easy to do… it takes absolutely no talent at all… and still you didn’t even do that well.
So like DexPac suggested: READ A LOT of screenplays. Learn how to write rythmatically and screenplay like. It takes a lot of hard work and you’ll go through a lot of frustration, but it’ll be worth it in the end.
I know you can do it.
Good luck.
Thanks I plan on rewriting It, and kind of making the story slower. Also showing his life slowly fading away. Kind of like the movie “Bad Lietenuant” the way he became a total burn out, thats the direction Im going. Thanks for all the help.
Keep at it 
"How could you let yourself get this way?"
That would be a great opening line for a western and it were said by a dusty dirty old doc with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth as took the black and red dressing off and old gunshot wound of some desperado.
Nobody really cares about somebody’s check up as a beginning of a script. Maybe later in the story, like in “Thinner”. After the storyline’s been set down, but not in the beginning. Unless it’s the basis for everything. And if it is… Make it interesting.
Yeah Im trying to show how much he loved his family, that way you can feel how sad and depressed he really Is now that his family Is gone.
I don’t know. For me it would be interesting if the rest of the movie would tell the doc’s story. A little red herring in the beginning.
EDIT: Actually that would work better in an AA-meeting. Some guy going “I took too much that night and I really shouldn’t but… I got into the car and drove. I can’t really remember it all. I don’t even remember the kid… you know, crossing the street. And I just… I… I couldn’t…” that sort of a thing. Then the meeting ends and another guy’s voice over starts “He tells that story in every meeting. It’s really become a fucking novelty act for him.”
[quote=“mr. Crazi”]
I don’t know. For me it would be interesting if the rest of the movie would tell the doc’s story. A little red herring in the beginning.
EDIT: Actually that would work better in an AA-meeting. Some guy going “I took too much that night and I really shouldn’t but… I got into the car and drove. I can’t really remember it all. I don’t even remember the kid… you know, crossing the street. And I just… I… I couldn’t…” that sort of a thing. Then the meeting ends and another guy’s voice over starts “He tells that story in every meeting. It’s really become a fucking novelty act for him.”
[/quote]
That’s a pretty good idea.