zombie is mentioned too early in the script. try throwing it in after Mark’s explaination of what happened with Krystal. he could say something like ‘i think she was a zombie, like those fukers out there’. let us see how he came to the conclusion along with him.
your pacing does need a bit more work. some places it flows beautifully. your beginning does seem forced.
But it’s a good piece. some good writing too.
