I had mixed feelings about your writing, it seems a little impromptu and at the same time it feels forced. I think you should let the incidents flow at a slower pace. But overall your writing is good, just work on the pacing; last but not least, if I were bitten on the neck I’d try not to speak too much, work on your character’s reactions, film is behaviour, try not to make your dialogue too verbose, especially when someone is mortally wounded; (example: Mr. Orange - gut shot = scared shitless.)
