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Scene from my Zombie Script


#1

I don’t normally post partial works but this script is feeling more and more

like it’ll never get finished and I haven’t posted any of my work for awhile,

so I figured “what the fuck?”. Just for a point of reference this little excerpt

starts at about the eleven page mark of the “full” script.



Here it is:

http://www.dexpac.com/Images/ZombieBit.htm


#2

I had mixed feelings about your writing, it seems a little impromptu and at the same time it feels forced. I think you should let the incidents flow at a slower pace. But overall your writing is good, just work on the pacing; last but not least, if I were bitten on the neck I’d try not to speak too much, work on your character’s reactions, film is behaviour, try not to make your dialogue too verbose, especially when someone is mortally wounded; (example: Mr. Orange - gut shot = scared shitless.)


#3

zombie is mentioned too early in the script. try throwing it in after Mark’s explaination of what happened with Krystal. he could say something like ‘i think she was a zombie, like those fukers out there’. let us see how he came to the conclusion along with him.



your pacing does need a bit more work. some places it flows beautifully. your beginning does seem forced.



But it’s a good piece. some good writing too.


#4

Thanks for the feedback. I can kinda see what your saying about it

sounding forced. I think that because the opening ten pages of the

script are pretty much just a conversation in a bar I ended up rushing

into the action.



As far as Mark’s reaction’s go I think that really just depends on how

the actor chooses to play it/how the reader chooses to read it. I

personally feel he’s sort of in shock from killing a woman with a lamp.

I’ll probly cut down his dialogue a bit but he’s the only character that

can explain what happened. I think if I cut the “I think it’s zombies”

line that’ll fix things a bit. But yeah, it needs work.


#5

I thought it was pretty good. Could maybe use a little slower pacing. And Mark seems to be talking alot for a guy being bitten in the neck, yeah. And Henry seems to forget about the crashed car pretty fast. If the TV hadn’t been muted, you could use the news-lady as a distraction to make him forget about the car.



If it looks like my post points out more negative points than positive ones, doesn’t mean I found more negative than positive. It was very good. The script that is, not my post.


#6

[quote=“Dantes Inferno”]
I thought it was pretty good. Could maybe use a little slower pacing. And Mark seems to be talking alot for a guy being bitten in the neck, yeah. And Henry seems to forget about the crashed car pretty fast. If the TV hadn’t been muted, you could use the news-lady as a distraction to make him forget about the car.



If it looks like my post points out more negative points than positive ones, doesn’t mean I found more negative than positive. It was very good. The script that is, not my post.
[/quote]

Yeah, the pacing thing was intentional but it isn’t quite where I want it yet. This starts

at like page fifteen of the entire script and everything before that is just Henry and Mark

trying to pick up two chicks at the local bar. What I was going for is a very slow/normal

opening scene and have Henry wake up to something that was the complete opposite.

It’s just not very fluid yet, especially in those first few paragraphs.



As far as forgetting the crash is concerned he doesn’t really forget it. There’s just nothing

he can do about it. He tried to call 911 but the phones didn’t work, and he saw the cops

get out of the car so he knows they’re fine so he decides to see if he can get any info from

the TV.



I have no idea what to do with Mark. I really want him to be able to explain how he got bit

and that he killed the girl who bit him but I totally agree with everyone else that he’s talking

too much. I just gotta find away to get it all out in less words, I guess. I suppose that’s why

they call it a rough draft though.



Thanks for the tips, everyone, I really appreciate it.


#7

As far as the pacing go, you have a good point. We are only reading a segment. And that you intentionally think about dynamics is a very thing, cause dynamics are important. Cudos (or is it kudos?) to that. And I realise he doesn’t forget it, but if I saw something like that I’d rush out. But then again, that’s when Mark appears, so maybe you’re right.