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RESERVOIR TIPS (The Script)


#1

Heres the new Reservoir Dogs parody script thread: RESERVOIR TIPS!



Read all the QT Archives parody scripts here:



http://www.soulcast.com/popeyepete/



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RESERVOIR TIPS



by Popeye Pete and The QT Archives Bunch



A Parody of Reservoir Dogs by Quentin Tarantino



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Mr Plaid: You know what Baby Got Backs about? Its all about a chick with a big ass. Its a metaphor for big asses!



Mr Lime (twists in his seat): Baby Got Back! L.A. FACE WITH AN OAKLAND BOOTY!!



Mr Plaid: It is! that song is about big asses.



Mr Maroon: Oh yeah? How do you know THAT smart guy?



Mr Plaid (imitating Edward G Robinson type gangster): Cuz I just KNOW see? myeahhhh…no but really my black friend Leroy told me.



Mr. Brunette: I heard it was really about BBQ Ribs. Baby Got Back. Get it?



Mr Plaid: Thats Bullsquat. Pure unadulterated Bullsquat. HEHHEHHEHHEH Baby Back Ribs…Thats I want My Baby Back Ribs ya goon.



Mr Brunette: Shut up, dont call me a goon.



Mr. Periwinkle: You guys been listening to Phast Phreddie’s Back to the 80s Show on the radio?



Mr Plaid: Yeah I have. Its fuckin great isnt it?



Mr Periwinkle: You know what i heard yesterday? Rock Me Amadeus by Falco. I havent heard that tune since I was a little kid. Great tune.



Mr Plaid: I like the After The Fire version more mysellllf, thats just me.



Fat Boy Teddy: Well I heard “Somebodys Watchin Me” By Rockwell this morning. Did you know that Michael Jackson sang background on that?



Mr Maroon: You didnt know that?



Fat Boy Teddy: Nope!



Mr Maroon: Did you also know that Rockwell is Berry Gordys son?



Fat Boy Teddy: Whos Berry Gordy?



Mr Plaid: KING OF MOTOWN ya fat ape! And producer of one of the coolest 80s movies ever THE LAST DRAGON!!



Mr Brunette: Im hungry as fuck. Wheres my Big Mac?



Mr Maroon: You gotta go up and order it yourself ya ig’nint motherfucka!



(the men all laugh)



Mr Brunette (embarassed): Dont call me a motherfucka.



Mr Maroon: Fuckin get THIS guy. Hes waitin for his Big Mac. oh hahahahaha.



Moe (reading): Lulu…Lulu Belle…Lulu Belle…Lulu Belle…Luuuuu-luuuuuu…



Mr Maroon: Whats that Moe?



Moe: Its this old book I found in my jacket, havent worn it in a coons age.



Mr Maroon: Coon?



Moe: Yeah a raccoons age, you never heard that saying?



Mr Maroon: Where do you get all these weird fuckin lines Moe?



Moe: I get em from The Little Rascals.



Mr Plaid: …What the fuck was I talkin about?



Mr Brunette: You were saying how Baby Got Back was a metaphor for big asses.



Mr Plaid: Oh yeah, it IS about big asses. The BIGGEST asses. Big and Round and Plump and Juicy!!



Moe: I gotta go take a squat you guys…if anyyyyyyyyone touches my fries, Ill kill ya.



Fat Boy Teddy: Ooooooooh daddy. Youre scary.



Moe: And YOU (points at Fat Boy Teddy), if you eat ONE Ill tear your head off and shit down your neck! …this tubby bitch is talkin to me like he KNOWS me.



(the men all laugh again)



Fat Boy Teddy starts to pout…



Mr Plaid: All this talk about bitches asses, Im startin to get that feelin.



Mr Lime: Oh shit. Here we go.



Mr Plaid: Im gonna get me some boo-tay tonight. Im gonna go out dancin and hump a girl from behiiiiiiiind!! YEAH!!! WORK IT! WORRRRRK IIIIIT!! (dances in his chair)



Mr Lime: Sheeit, If I tried that, Id get slapped.



Mr Plaid: When I do it, these bitches looooooooove it. They dont even turn around. I just get my moves goin (bah bah bah) and start rubbin on their hineys (la la la). And TA-DA! Its allllll good. WOOP-WOOOOP!! (lifts the air excitedly)



Mr Maroon: OK guys, we gotta get goin. Whattaya say we let Moe get the check?



Mr Brunette: If Moes getting the check Im gonna order an apple pie.



Fat Boy Teddy (mouth full of Moes fries): MMMPHHFFF?



Mr Maroon: Take the fries with ya and dont forget your cellphone this time fat stuff.



(the men laugh at Fat Boy as he gets mad and takes his cellphone, his belly is hanging out of his 80s style ADIDAS sweatsuit)



Mr Lime: …and tuck in your shirt Biz Markie. You look like a fuckin slob…jeez.



Mr Brunette: We’re gettin ready to walk out all cool and Mr Fat Boy’s lookin like an extra from PERFECT over here.



Mr Plaid (sauntering out and sees a cute babe walking in, he talks loud): Uh miss Ill get an order of Booty to go.



(the people in the restaraunt all laugh, the girl smiles)



(OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE FOR RESERVOIR TIPS) The men all walk in slow motion to the 80s pop song “Electric Avenue” by Eddie Grant. Fat Boy Teddy is still eating fries. Mr Brunette puts on his sunglasses and they slip off his face. Mr Maroon looks and laughs…Mr Lime chews gum and blows a bubble, Mr Plaid blows his nose, Mr Periwinkle puts on a funny hat with a propellor, Then we see Moe running after them as they walk, hes pissed. He falls down, the guys all run back and help him up…



FADE TO BLACK…



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#2

We hear someone groaning.



CUT TO:



A bathroom stall. We hear groaning and a gas noise.



OUTSIDE We hear two men arguing.



CUT TO: Warehouse Room where we see two familiar faces wearing bad 70s disco style polyester suits yapping to each other about DC super heroes:



Mr Maroon: I think Green Lantern would win.



Mr Lime: No way, no fuckin way. Green Arrow.



Mr Maroon: Whats takin Mr Periwinkle so long?



Mr Lime: That Taco Bell musta went through him like crap through a goose.



Mr Maroon: Damn, I can smell that shit from out here.



Mr Lime: Aw man, I smell it too. Its like toxic waste. I ate at Taco Bell last week by the time I got done eating I had to take a squat. Now I dont like to get into detail about my fecal matter, but that shit was BLACK. Somethin aint right with that food, Heh! Food! That shit barely qualifies as food…



Mr Maroon (lights a Red Apple): Goddamnit, when is Moe getting here?



Mr Lime: I dont know, Fat Boy Teddy said he was comin right away. He should be stickin his fat face in the door any minute.



Mr Maroon: That Fuckin Moe. Hes always late.



Mr Lime: Hey!..Mr Periwinkle!!..You ALIVE IN THERE?!!



Mr Perwinkle in stall



Mr Periwinkle: YEAHHH/PBBBBLT! (He farts simultaneously as he yells his answer)



Mr Lime and Mr Maroon look at each other like: WTF was that?



Mr Lime: I think that retort just made my all time best comebacks.



CUT TO: Fat Boy Teddy in his Honda Civic. We see its littered with junkfood containers. Meanwhile hes jammin to Phast Phreddies Back to the 80s radio show.



Fat Boy (singin along): Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-NOW Baby give it up, give it up baby give it uuuup…



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#3

it’s kinda confusing all these names

Fat Boy Teddy lol!

good job!

Mr. Pete, you’re an artist…


#4

Oh shit ;D ;D ;D funny! ;D


#5

…Fat Boy Teddy reaches into the back of his car where we see hes got a huge box of Hershey bars. He turns around to grab one and then tears it open and starts eating.



Fat Boy Teddys cellphone rings and he answers it, we see his mouth is covered in chocolate. He looks like the kid in Friday The 13th Pt 5.



Fat Boy Teddy: JELLO?!!..I cant hear you!! Im listening to Phast Phreddies Back to The 80s!!..Ok! Hold on!



(He turns the radio down, his chubby fingers are covered in melted chocolate and it gets all over the tuning button)



Fat Boy: WHAT?!! OH NO!! Does Daddy know?!..Well, Im gonna get down there right now! Yeah! Im headin to the rendevous point now! Where else would I go?!



CUT TO: Fat Boy Teddy at Big Kahuna Burger



Fat Boy Teddy: …And I’ll have a Don Ho Burger with everything, a Maui Wowie shake and some Poi Fries…and a Pineapple Pie…



CUT TO:



Big Kahuna Burger clerk typing up order. We see on the computer the price is up to 250.00.



CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE:



(We hear Taco’s 80s hit “Puttin On The Ritz” playing on Phast Phreddies Back To the 80s radio show in the warehouse)



Mr Periwinkle in stall still going to the bathroom. Hes done and he goes to wipe his ass but when he pulls on the toilet paper roll, all thats left is a half a sheet.



Mr Periwinkle: Oh SHIT no.



CUT TO: Outside commode in Warehouse room.



We see Mr Maroon and Mr Lime are sitting on some boxes playing jacks. Both are smoking Red Apples.



CUT BACK TO:



Mr Periwinkle looking around stall. We get the feeling his ass is very dirty and he has nothing to wipe with. He gets up and opens the stall door and peeks his head out. He looks around the bathroom and he sees nothing to use to wipe. Not even that brown shit thats in school bathrooms.



Mr Maroon: Hey Periwinkle!! YOU DONE YET?!!



Cut To:



Mr Periwinkle: GUYS! I GOT A PROBLEM!



Cut To:



Mr Lime: WIPE AND FLUSH!!



Mr Perwinkle: THERES NO…TOILET PAPER IN HERE!!



Mr Lime: SHIT.



Mr Maroon: Literally…We…go find somethin for him.



Mr Lime: Why do I always gotta go?



Mr Maroon: Whiny bi- You wanna flip for it?



Mr Lime: I call heads!



Mr Maroon sighs and flips coin. It comes up heads.



Mr Lime: Goddamnit.



Mr Maroon: Hurry up, we gotta keep on our toes.



Mr Lime: Be right back.



Mr Maroon: PERIWINKLE! MR LIMES GOIN TO LOOK FOR SOME SHIT PAPER! JUST BE COOL!



CUT TO Bathroom.



We hear a frustrated banging in the stall. BANG BANG BANG



Mr Periwinkle: I AM cool.



CUT TO:



Mr Lime looking in spare room. He looks through the junk in the room, diff pieces of crap, he opens a door, flips a light switch and we see he sees something that registers and then picks it up.



Mr Lime walks back into warehouse room holding a roll of paper.



Mr Maroon: Good work Limey.



Mr Lime: Um, We got a little problem.



Mr Maroon: What fuckin problem? You got the paper right? things are hunky dorey now.



Mr Lime: This isnt toilet paper.



Mr Maroon: Well then what the fuck is it?



Mr Lime: SAND paper.



Mr Maroon: you gotta be fuckin…SANDPAPER?!!



Mr Lime: Shhhh!



Mr Maroon (lowered voice): He cant use that shit.



Mr Lime: This is all there is.



Mr Maroon: Ok, Well, you break the bad news to him.



Mr Lime: Hey I FOUND the shit, YOU go tell him. You guys are friends anyways.



Mr Maroon: Gimme that!



Mr Maroon grabs the sandpaper from Mr Lime.



CUT TO Bathroom.



The door creaks open.



Mr Periwinkle: Guys?!



Mr Maroon: Yeah kid, its me.



Mr Perwinkle: Maroon? Whew! Oh man, I thought you guys split for a minute.



Mr Maroon: No, we’re here…Look, uh, kid, we got something for ya but…



Mr Perwinkle: Great! Throw it in here!



Mr Maroon: Well, its not…its…sandpaper.



Mr Perwinkle: Quit fuckin around! Cmon I gotta get outta here.



Mr Maroon: No, really, this shit is sandpaper, its all Mr Lime could find.



Silence.



CUT TO OUTSIDE BATHROOM.



Mr Lime is at the bathroom door, both his hands are covering his mouth, hes trying not to burst out laughing.



FADE TO BLACK.



TITLE CARD: MR PERIWINKLE



CUT TO:



INT- Roy Rogers Restaraunt



Mr Perwinkle walks in the door. Hes dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. He doesnt look like a cop at all.



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#6

Lol, sand paper.


#7

awesome, keep writing!


#8

Sorry to get off topic but is pete coming back?


#9

he always does

:slight_smile:

btw moving this to the screenwriting section


#10

…Sitting at a table in the Roy Rogers is a fat half black/half puerto rican named “LAYAWAY”. He is Mr Periwinkle’s friend and a fellow Dungeons n Dragons member.



Mr Periwinkle: Say hello to my lil fren.



Mr Periwinkle pulls out a special hard to find dragon piece to the Dungeons n Dragons game.



Mr Periwinkle: Happy Birthday buddy.



Layaway: You slick mothafucka! Aww maan! Thanks Freddy!



(The two hug)



Freddy Meandyke: No prab.



Layaway: So whats going on with the boys. You guys gonna pull that job or what?



Freddy Meandyke: Yep, Im meeting with Moe Stein this week. If everything works out, I’ll be heisting a whole bunch of swag including more of those sweet D & D figures and the boards. The whole fuckin thing. We’ll be set.



Layaway: I gotta hand it to you man, who’da thunk a D & D fanatic could manage to get into a professional crew?



Freddy Meandyke: Thats what watchin Inside The Mafia and playin D & D will get ya my friend. I’m an actor, an arteest heh heh heh.



Layaway: Hey my sister wants to meet ya.



Freddy: Cmonnnn Layaway…



Layaway (pleading): Shes lost a bunch of weight. Shes at an even 300 lbs now! Look, shes big, but shes nice. She needs a man dude.



(As Layaway describes her, We dissolve to a shot of Layaways sister Peggy smiling. Shes basically Layaway, but with a pile of curly hair extensions on her head. She aint a pretty sight.)



We Cut back to Freddys face looking sad.



Freddy: I dont know man…



Layaway: Look, if you go out with her ONCE, I’ll let you borrow my place at the lake for a week. Just take her out, show her a good time.



Freddy: 2 weeks at the lake house.



Layaway: Mothafucka! OK, 2 weeks.



Freddy: Sweet.



Layaway: Speakin of sweet, Make sure you take Peggy to Pinecroft Dairy. Its her favorite spot.



Freddy (jots it down): Pinecroft Dairy, you got it.



Layaway: Yo, you hungry? I just ordered Roy’s Rio Nacho Grande platter, extra everything: Queso, Enchilada sauce, chili sauce, jalapenos…



Freddy: Sounds tasty, but no thanks man. I gotta go. I got shit to do. Gotta get my suit from the cleaners, go over my lines. I gotta be sharp as a razor for this interview.



Layaway: I hear ya. OK, well, Talk at ya later bro… (ahem) I mean, Mr Periwinkle.



(The two bump fists)



FADE OUT



FADE IN



Layaway is all done eating his nachos, his face is all greasy.



(Voice offscreen): HEY.



Layaway looks up, his face covered in cheese sauce, salsa, etc.



Man in black suit shoots Layaway point blank. Blood shoots everywhere. People scatter and scream. The man runs out of the diner.



We slowly pan up Layaways body, its covered in blood and salsa.



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#11

Another good segment, keep writing.


#12


#13

wtf is that ending? I can’t wait for the next one!