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Please rate this short excerpt from my Sitcom script


#1

Hey everybody, for quite some time I’ve been writing Sitcom scripts now for my self-created sitcom. Today I decided to put online this little bitty excerpt for your judging eyes. It should give you an idea how the tone and style of this Sitcom would be.



So tell me what you thinkTell me how you like it, would you be amused if you see it on screen?



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5. INT. Apartment



Paul, Sarah and George watch TV, Bruce enters with a little bag.



BRUCE

You guys won’t believe what I just found at the video store.



PAUL

What?



BRUCE

Now I was going through the horror section when something from the adult section accidently caught my eye.



PAUL

The horror section and adult section are way apart, so that’s not possible.



BRUCE

Can I finish the story please? And it is possible, I have great eyesight.



PAUL

You used to wear glasses.



BRUCE

OK, I wasn’t at the one we usually go to, I was in the one on Lincoln Boulevard.



PAUL

The one on Lincoln Boulevard doesn’t have an adult section.



BRUCE

I mean Hilton Boulevard.



PAUL

Hilton Boulevard is a thirty minute subway ride away, you were only gone for twenty minutes, so excluding the probability that you have superhuman powers that I don’t know about, that’s not possible.



SARAH

Haha, good job detective.



PAUL

(to Sarah)

Am I on fire or what?!



GEORGE

Hehe, Bruce loves porn.



Bruce gives up.



BRUCE

So I was checking out porn at our video rental place…



PAUL

(grins)

There you go.



BRUCE

Yeah, thanks for making me say “I watch porn” in front of a woman.



PAUL

Ah that’s fine, she watches it too.



Sarah gives Paul a mad look.



PAUL

And by that I mean occasionally.



Sarah is still mad.



PAUL

And when I say “occasionally” I really mean never.



BRUCE

Are you finished?



PAUL

Yeah, I’m done.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



If you guys like it maybe I’ll post some more



btw it’s a fictous town they are talking about.



Legal notice: This writing is protected by law by the Writer’s Guild. So don’t nick it mate or I’ll sue you for millions. Then again, you might as well 'cause I could use the money. ;D


#2

"So I was checking out porn at our video rental place…"



This comes too early. We need more of Bruce avoiding the question.



"

BRUCE

I meant Hilton Boulevard. So I was there and -



PAUL

You were gone for twenty minutes.



BRUCE

Uhm, yes I was. So then I looked and -



PAUL

It takes thirty minutes to get there.



Dead silent. Bruce freezes.



Paul looks understandingly Bruce, as to say: ‘I know’.



BRUCE

Okay! I was looking for porn!



SARAH

(impressed)

Good job, detective.



GEORGE

Bruce loves porn!



PAUL

Am I on fire or what?



BRUCE

Yeah, just thanks for making me say “I watch porn” in front of a woman.

"



Otherwise, just pure A gold. I really love how Paul just clinches to the opportunity of making a friend embarrassed.



Please, post more. Don’t wanna tell anything about what the sitcom is about? Other than Friends? ;D


#3

:slight_smile: Very nice Mr. Crazi, I like it. Your version is even more sitcom-like.



OK, here’s another excerpt, this time it’s a cold open (also called a teaser). And just in case you readers don’t know what this is: It’s a little scene or sequence at the beginning of a sitcom that has often nothing to do with the rest of the show, it’s often used in many sitcoms.


  1. INT. Bruce’s room – night (teaser)



    Bruce is sleeping in his bed, humming the theme from „Knight Rider“, the door is open. George passes by and notices the humming.



    GEORGE

    (quietly)

    Hey Paul, check this out!



    Paul joins George.



    PAUL

    What?



    GEORGE

    Little Brucey is humming in sleep.



    PAUL

    Ah, that’s cute. What’s he humming?



    GEORGE

    I think it’s the Knight Rider theme.



    PAUL

    (amused)

    Oh yeah, it is. Hah, only Bruce.



    GEORGE

    Yeah.



    Bruce stops humming. Just as Paul and George are about to leave he starts again, humming the theme from „Super Mario Bros.“.



    PAUL

    Hey, a new melody.



    GEORGE

    What’s that?



    PAUL

    Oh I know, that’s the Super Mario Brothers theme.



    GEORGE

    You’re right, it is.



    PAUL

    Wonder what he’ll hum after that.



    GEORGE

    I bet you it’s a TV or movie theme.



    PAUL

    What?



    GEORGE

    I bet you five bucks it’s either a TV or movie theme.



    PAUL

    Well I bet you five bucks it’s another videogame theme.



    GEORGE

    You’re on.



    Bruce stops humming.



    GEORGE

    Come on Bruce, hum for me. Hum a nice TV theme, you love TV.



    PAUL

    No Bruce, you love videogames, make a nice videogame hum for me.



    Hum for me baby.







    GEORGE

    OK, I guess he won’t hum anymore.



    PAUL

    Yeah.



    They leave. Shortly after doing so Bruce starts humming the „Star Wars“ theme. Paul and Bruce come running back.



    GEORGE

    (loud)

    Ha! That’s Star Wars! You owe me five bucks!



    Bruce weaks up from the screaming.



    PAUL

    (loud)

    Damn!



    GEORGE

    Hahaha.



    Paul is disappointed and gives George a note.



    PAUL

    Here you go. We will do this again tomorrow, you hear? You have to give me a chanche to win my money back.



    GEORGE

    Alright.



    Paul hands George the money. George is happy, waves the note in the air.



    GEORGE

    Haha, I won. I won, I won, I won.

    (to Bruce)

    Thanks Bruce. Good night, and may the force be with you!



    George leaves.



    PAUL

    Damn you stupid Star Wars dork!



    Paul slams the door close. Bruce sits in bed, startled.



    BRUCE

    What the hell was that?



    Opening theme



    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    @ My concept: It’s just a flatshare sitcom, there is no “unique selling point”, a negative fact pointed out by my script consultant. But then again, what was the “special” in Friends (Friends share time and banter) or King of Queens (Husband and wife with father)? I like it how it is: 3 friends, one of them with a often visiting girlfriend, (Sarah) live their life and use banter and bickering to get along in many funny situations.

#4

The first “excerpt” was better than the second but they

both make me wonder what the episode as a whole

feels like.


#5

like you pointed out it isn’t very original and i don’t really know what the story is. but what is now days, i read a book that said that there’s only 36 plots and another one that said 8 and another that said 1(it was: something happens, not very informative) so i guess all you can really do is try to create great interesting characters (wich you kinda pull off), since no matter what you write (if you boil it down) someone has already wrote and seen it. i’m rambling


#6

you’ve a giant ego, haven’t ya?


#7

[quote=“Kilgore Trout”]
you’ve a giant ego, haven’t ya?
[/quote]

who, me?