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My script


#1

Okey, so I’m in no way a screenwriter or anything, but I’d thought it would be fun to try, since I love movies. So I cooked up an idea about three guys on each side of the law. The first person is a psychotic gangster who takes every decision by the gut, and always get dangerously close to a certain death. The second person is a cop who wants to clean up his hometown from all the crime, but does not find much support elsewhere. The third person is also a gangster, but wants to get out. Guess if that works?



It all happens in the same city, but it is not specified which city, which I think is a cool feat. I don’t opt for realism, and it’ll probably be more like an ‘adventure’ (lack of better word) than a depiction of how the mob really works. It will be two acts, and it will actually not end with lots of people getting killed, though I love that in mafia-films. It’s not a correct structured script, and it’s not even finished, so judge by the story. I’m not English-speaking, I’m unexperienced, so forgive all flaws, but don’t be afraid to pinpoint them.



It’s called “Requiem” by the way. And here it is: http://download.yousendit.com/9BA29925395821EF


#2

First… just some notes while reading…



the argument between the man and Tony needs some work. I can’t see him saying dude, unless it was sarcastically. I see too much ‘goodfellas’ in that scene.



having Frank come out and blatantly say ‘clean this city up’ is a bit much. break it up. maybe have him say he feels he has unfinished buisness. and the other guy questions that and ends up saying something like ‘so, what are you gonna do, clean up this town?’ or something like that.



instead of saying conclusion, find some other way of saying children are our future. that whole paragraph sounds like an essay, not natural.



I like Tony, but he reads like a cartoon. not truly psychotic. watch some old gangster movies. like kiss of death. that’s the element you’re looking for, less stereotype. more psycho. remember, he’s a person first, then a psycho who just happends to be italian-american.



Frank is complex, a little too complex. bring it on a little more subtle. sometimes you can say alot more with less. choose your words with him carefully. he talks in essays. save the long speeches for critical moments. not for every conversation.



As for Robert… you’ve got him pegged. good job here. interesting character, good dialogue, i wanna know more about him. very good job.



Overall…



You’ve got a good story forming. Especially with Robert. Franks story is a good one, but he seems so obsessed, which could work for you. or not. he seems so obsessed, he’s destined for a fall. maybe he needs to tone things down or a slap of reality should be introduced about the balance of good and evil. Tony needs more psycho and less stereotype/cartoon. like i said, rent some black and white old ganster flicks. bogart/cagney/whitmark/palance. all of them at one time played a great psycho gangster. without the stereotype.



you can keep some of the italian flair, but in doses. right now, he looks like a watered down Joe Pesci.



Your story is good. Your writing is good. Your characters just need some work.


#3

Yeah, some of the dialogue might be alittle… you know… ;D Total agreement there.



As for Tony, I’m definitely gonna work on the psycho thing. I just don’t know what to with him next.



And yes, Frank’s future is not very bright. He is supposed to be obsessed, and kinda ‘almost go mad’ at the end, because what he is trying to is just impossible. And it sounds like an essay because he is talking ABOUT an essay. I actually wrote that essay myself, and I would have used the names of the poems (which do exist) if only they weren’t Norwegian. I mean, the setting IS America.



Ironically, that you should like Robert. He has a very exciting plot function coming up, but I felt he was kinda there just for that and nothing more.



Thanks for reading my script. I really appreciate that you took the time to read it, and even more so critizing it. I will work on it!


#4

Okay, I have finished it. Maybe not long enough for a movie, but it’s got a beginning, middle and end. It’s about 120 pages, I don’t know how many minutes that is, how can you know anyways?



Some changes: I have improved a lot in the writing department, some of the dialog has been cleaned up, it’s also a bit different. Kind of a mix between a drama and a thriller. Still rough though, gonna need some polishing.


#5

120 pages, that’s great. I’d offer to read, but I’m finally doing a rewrite of my script right now. sorry. post a link anyways… I think the time rate is a minute a page or something like that, can’t remember. Have you printed it out and read it yet???


#6

I haven’t read the whole thing in one take no. Still freshening it up. I don’t want to waste 120 pages on printing it. At least not yet. But I’m really happy about it, especially for a first-time script. I might not post it just yet, but I’ll put up something in a short time. It’s in Celtx format too.


#7

Cool. I remember writing my first script. I’m polishing up my second. My first one was crap, i had no idea WHAT I was doing. I don’t even know where it is now. but I think it’s on disc somewhere. I’ll take it out one day and give it the props it’s due. It’s a good plot.



well, CONGRATS!!! Your first script. Cool !!!


#8

http://download.yousendit.com/4B2CEA557BA07566



There it is. Will only be up for seven days. There are a few changes. Tony is still a bit psychotic, but that’s not what defines him anymore. He’s more of a gorilla who wants more, as he’s tired of doing the dirty work.


#9

I just downloaded it and got a blank file in a firefox window??? wazzup?


#10

Oh. Right. How do I upload Celtx files? There are like 5 files in the folder.


#11

convert it to a pdf.


#12

You always have to have the last word, huh?



http://download.yousendit.com/5200961A4DCD2DA8