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My Script


#1

I made this script and i really hope you reply. The script is not on a script maker so i cant have that much description because it can only hold so much so dont hate it because of that.



The Wolf Pack

By Julian Cicone



(The whole gang was at this fine pub drinking bears and having a good time and everyone was there even the boss Butch was there.)



Joe Joe: Hey doll, give us all another beer.



Waitress: Sure thing darling.



Moe: Damn is she fine.



Sid: Yes she is Moe.



Waitress: Here are your beers.



Joe Joe: Thanks



Moe: Yo Joe why don’t you go ask her out.



Joe Joe: On a date?



Moe: Yea why not.



Joe Joe: She is a fine looking girl but she is too young.



Moe: You got to be kidding me you are going to give up pussy like that.



Sid: Yea Joe stop being a little faggot and go knock her up.



Butch: If your not going to ask her then I will ask for ya.



Joe Joe: No please don’t do that I am warning you Butch.



Jay: You better stop or I’ll kill ya.



Sid: If you do that then I will grab your little sword and whack your head off.



Jay: Oh really then bring it on.



(Sid and Jay get up and try to fight but Joe Joe stops it.)



Joe Joe: Will you guys knock it off and sit down where at a restaurant.



Sid: All right All right.



(Butch is talking to the waiter and trying to talk to see if she will go on a date with Joe Joe.



Butch: Hey my friend with the Mo Hawk wants to go on a date with you.



Waitress: He does then why isn’t he asking me.



Butch: well…uhhh…____



Waitress: If it’s because he is nervous then no because I don’t want a man that’s afraid to ask a girl out because in reality he is a girl himself.



Butch: Uhh no that is not the reason why its because he hurt his back working out and he cant move all that well.



Waitress: Oh…well then yea sure I will.



Butch: Great uhh wait day and time.



Waitress: How about Friday at 7:00.



Butch: That will work out just fine.



(Butch goes back to the table and gives them the news)



Butch: She said yes Friday at 7:00 and oh yea by the way Joe I told her that you just hurt your back working out so by Friday tell her that your back is fine.



Joe Joe: Okay? Uhh why did you even tell her that in the first place?



Butch: Because she calls men girls that don’t ask themselves.



Joe Joe: That’s good then.



Moe: Man I have this crazy story I want to tell ya’ll.



Sid: Alright, tell away.



Moe: You remember our old friend Tony we use to call him Tony the Tiger but we haven’t seen him in a while because his wife wouldn’t allow us to see him anymore.



Jay: Yea what about him.



Moe: We all know that his wife is a fucking psycho right?



All: Yes yes.



Moe: Well just a few weeks ago Tony met this girl at this bar and she was a real fox I mean she was beautiful. She’s a babe that’s what she is and all the guys dig her and she had a little Marilyn Monroe kind look blondish whitish hair and a similar face, Nice boobs and fantastic ass. Well what happened was when Tony got home they started making out in the car and his wife saw it happening.



Butch: Oh man that couldn’t be good did she kill him.



Moe: No but what happened was when Tony was asleep his wife got this huge butcher knife and whacked his dick off.



All: OOOOOOO jesus that had to make him sick.



Moe: Lets put it this way she just took away his man hood but wait it gets worse.



Joe Joe: Worse how could it get worse.



Moe: Oh trust me it can so when he woke up in agonizing pain his wife got a hot dog bun put his dick in the bun and forced him to eat it or she’ll kill him.



All: OOOOOO



Jay: I’m done eating.



Butch: Did he eat it?



Moe: Yep ate the whole thing.



Butch: I would of puke if I had to do that.



Sid: Tony had himself his very own oscar meyer weiner.



All:hahahahaha



Butch: Are you guys ready to go.



Joe Joe: I sure am what time is it?



Butch: 10:30



Joe Joe: Yea I’m bushed.



Butch: Tomorrow is Thursday and we have work to do Joe you better talk to her before we leave.



Joe Joe: Oh Yea right.



Butch: Wait Joe



Joe Joe: Yea?



Butch: Don’t forget about your back.



Joe Joe: Right



(Joe Joe goes up acting like he pulled his back and tells her that Friday at 7:00 will work.)



Joe Joe: Hey I will except to go out with you Friday at 7:00.



Waitress: Thanks me too.



Joe Joe: What’s your name?



Waitress: Charity and what’s yours.



Joe Joe: Joe Joe but you can just call me Joe.



Charity: Your back looks real bad it looks like you can’t even move.



Joe Joe: Oh no I can walk just fine, the reason why I look like this is because of the pain but by Friday I bet you I will be good as new.



Charity: Lets just hope that will happen.



Joe Joe: Yep lets just hope.



Charity: Well, see you Friday at 7:00.



Joe Joe: See you then.



(Joe Joe walks back to the gang before he leaves.)



Moe: Did you tell her?



Joe Joe: Yep it all worked out.



Butch: Is everyone ready.



All: Yep



Butch: Then lets go.

(They all leave the pub)



The End


#2

There is too much dialogue at one time. Try to split it up some more. I loved the whole dick thing though. lol I laughed but then at the same time I wanted to puke.


#3

I added more to it so read the second one it has alot of the same dialog as the first but improved more.



The Wolf Pack

By Julian Cicone





















(The whole gang was at this fine pub drinking beers and having a good time even their boss Butch was there.)





Joe Joe: Hey doll, give us all another beer.



Waitress: Sure thing darling.



Moe: Damn is she fine.



Sid: You got that right.



Waitress: Here are your beers.



Joe Joe: Thanks



Moe: Yo Joe why don’t you go ask her out.



Joe Joe: On a date?



Moe: Yea why not.



Joe Joe: She is a fine looking girl but she is too young.



Moe: You got to be kidding me you are going to give up pussy like that.



Sid: Yea Joe stop being a little wuss and go knock her up.



Butch: If your not going to ask her then I will ask for ya.



Joe Joe: No please don’t do that I am warning you Butch.



Jay: You better stop or I’ll kill ya.



Sid: If you do that then I will get your little sword after we eat and whack your head off.



Jay: Oh really, after we eat its on



Sid: Why don’t you just bring it on now bitch.



Jay: All right



(Sid and Jay get up and try to fight but Joe Joe stops it.)



Joe Joe: Will you guys knock it off and sit down where at a restaurant.



Sid: All right All right.



(Butch is talking to the waiter and trying to talk to see if she will go on a date with Joe Joe.



Butch: Hey my friend with the Mo Hawk wants to go on a date with you.



Waitress: He does then why isn’t he asking me.



Butch: well…uhhh…____



Waitress: If it’s because he is nervous then no because I don’t want a man that’s afraid to ask a girl out because in reality he is a girl himself.



Butch: Uhh no that is not the reason why its because he hurt his back working out and he cant move all that well.



Waitress: Are you sure or are you just bullshitting me?



Butch: I sware to god his back is really injured do you want me to prove it?



Waitress: No I believe you



Butch: So will you go on a date with him?



Waitress: Sure I’ll go on a date with him.



Butch: Great uhh wait day and time.



Waitress: How about Friday at 7:00.



Butch: That will work out just fine.



(Butch goes back to the table and gives them the news)



Butch: She said yes Friday at 7:00 and oh yea by the way Joe I told her that you just hurt your back working out so by Friday tell her that your back is fine.



Joe Joe: Okay? Uhh why did you even tell her that in the first place?



Butch: Because she calls men girls that don’t ask themselves.



Joe Joe: Oh…well…that’s good then.



Moe: Man I have this crazy story I want to tell ya’ll.



Sid: Alright, tell away.



Moe: You remember our old friend Tony we use to call him Tony the Tiger but we haven’t seen him in a while because his wife wouldn’t allow us to see him anymore.



Jay: Yea what about him.



Moe: We all know that his wife is a fucking psycho right?



All: Yes yes.



Moe: Well just a few weeks ago Tony met this girl at this bar and she was a real fox I mean she was beautiful. She’s a babe that’s what she is and all the guys dig her and she had this little Marilyn Monroe kind of look blondish whitish hair and a similar face, Nice boobs and fantastic ass. Well what happened was when Tony got home they started making out in the car and his wife saw it happening.



Butch: Oh man that couldn’t be good did she kill him.



Moe: No but what happened was when Tony was asleep his wife got this huge butcher knife and whacked his dick off.



All: OOOOOOO jesus that had to make him sick.



Moe: Lets put it this way she just took away his man hood but wait it gets worse.



Joe Joe: Worse how could it get worse?



Moe: Oh trust me it can so when he woke up in agonizing pain his wife got a hot dog bun put his dick in the bun and forced him to eat it or she’ll kill him.



All: OOOOOO



Butch: Did he eat it?

Moe: Yep ate the whole thing.



Joe Joe: Jesus christ



Jay: I’m done eating.



Butch: I would of puke if I had to do that.



Sid: Tony had himself his very own oscar meyer weiner.



All:hahahahaha



Butch: Are you guys ready to go.



Joe Joe: I sure am what time is it?



Butch: 10:30



Joe Joe: Yea I’m bushed.



Butch: Tomorrow is Thursday and we have work to do Joe if you wanna go on that date with her then you better talk to her before we leave.



Joe Joe: What the hell I’ll go on a date with her she really is a fox



Sid: Ow Ow



Butch: Wait Joe



Joe Joe: Yea?



Butch: Don’t forget about your back.



Joe Joe: Right



(Joe Joe goes up acting like he pulled his back and tells her that Friday at 7:00 will work.)



Joe Joe: Hey I will except to go out with you Friday at 7:00.



Waitress: Thanks me too.



Joe Joe: What’s your name?



Waitress: Charity and what’s yours.



Joe Joe: Joe Joe but you can just call me Joe.



Charity: Your back looks real bad it looks like you can’t even move.



Joe Joe: Oh no I can walk just fine, the reason why I look like this is because of the pain but by Friday I bet you I will be as good as new.



Charity: Lets just hope that will happen.



Joe Joe: Yep lets just hope, well see you Friday at 7:00



Charity: See you then dadio and try not to trip on your way out.



Joe Joe: I’ll try



(Joe Joe walks back to the gang before he leaves.)



Moe: Did you tell her?



Joe Joe: Yep it all worked out.



Butch: Good now is everyone ready.



All: Yep



Butch: Then lets go.



(They all leave the pub)







The End


#4

ill give you a tip. learn how to set out scripts. i know most people use script writers. But i type my scripts on Microsoft Word and i type them according to the Austrralian standard for screenwriting. Find the standard for where you are and adher to it, cause you dont necessarily need a script writer. Word suits me fine.



With adhering to the standard you will also learn where to put things such as laughter. putting into spoken word things such as hahahaha or OOOOOOO is just weird. put in the description: they all laugh or they all cringe or whatever you want to, bearing in mind that screenwriters arent supposed to put too much description into things that should be left up to the actor’s interpretation, like that because the actor will do it themselves, that is their job and it is how they interpret it.



and some of the dialogue needs to be doctored in some areas because i have a feeling that you are forcing the dialogue out. Take QT’s advice and just imagine two people talking. let it flow, let it be natural, some of the dialogue sounds a little too forced. Dont take offence though, i know where you’re coming from.



this is all constructive criticism, aimed to further your skills and not to bring you down so dont think i am bagging you out.


#5

Oh no i’m not affended. I’m only 16 years old so i really need the advice. One thing though, what does forcing the dialog out mean?


#6

This is awfully simaller to Reservoir Dogs also, I mean, the boss and the gang sitting at a resturant (opening scene) wife cutting guys dick off, (scene in car with Eddie, Mr. White, Mr. Pink, Mr. Orange)



Plus, give each character their names before getting into the conversation. We don’t know how many people are there until everyone says something.


#7

1. you don’t have to force your characters to say each others names in the opening it sound incredably fake. you’ve got 30 pages to do that

2. when your writing pretend that you have never seen a tarantino film. i say this because that’s what your dialogue sounds like bad tarantino dialogue. give your character there own unique voice.

3. think visually. i can’t stand to watch a bunch of people sitting at a resturant talking about bullshit, it’s boring. make them do something. (i think that the start of reservoir dogs is boring that’s why i fast forward it)

4. think originally. i mean come on all this is is a bad reservoir dogs. i’m sure your capable of thinking some cool original shit up.

5. read about a thousand books on screenwriting. Use a screenwriting program(final draft is great) you can download them anywhere.

6. keep writing, you’ll only get better.



ps. if i was you i would burn this and start something more unique and original. but you don’t have to agree with anything i said because i’m just a stupid 15 year old


#8

I agree i think i should change my script around but i dont want to change the main story and Idea for my movie. My script isnt orginal but i think my idea for my movie is and the one of the scenes. This is the only movie that i dont want to talk about to people because to me i think the whole look of the movie is really orginal and i dont want people to steal it but i agree my script sounds like reservoir dogs and thats why i’m changing the dialog of my script and agree what Angel said. Just imagin two people talking, let it flow, let it be natural.


#9

So your script (which is about ur plot/main idea), is not original put your main idea is?


#10

No how the script is written is bad and not orginal and it sounds like reservoir dogs. My story and how the movie is supposed to look is orginal.


#11

OK, I get it. Ya, just read a few scripts off the internet, you should get how 2 right this then.