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My old western i forgot about (should i finish this)


#1

a while back i posted a script for a western, well i threw that in the bin, but as i was looking through all of my floppy disks i found it again and read. As i was reading it i thought maybe i should finish, i mean i thought it was alright not great but could be fixed. it’s well over 90 pages but far from an ending. i just wanted to know if i should finish this or whether it’s worth my time to finish it. you can evan rate it if you want but’s it’s still the draft/(the first half was slightly revised) from a while back.

here it is, you will remeber some part but i will post as much as i can on here:



1000 miles



EXT. VILLAGE - DAY



Heavy breathing.



FADE IN:



A man hides behind the corner of a Mexican style house, all beaten up, a bullet in his leg and clutching a colt single action army revolver. He is EDWARD LEE LAWRENCE.



The man his hiding from is a poorly dressed slave pointing a revolver towards Edward’s position. He fires two rounds.



Edward counts the bullets on his fingers, with six cocking the hammer of his revolver.



He stumbles out from behind the corner, almost falling over and points the gun at the petrified slave.



SLAVE

(softly)

No, I can’t



Edward points his revolver at the slave’s left leg, cocks the hammer and fires, knocking him to the sandy ground.



The slave screams in pain, while Edward limps toward him, grinning with his blood covered teeth.



EDWARD

It’s time to go home



SLAVE

I can’t go back



EDWARD

You have to go back, you don’t belong here



The slave calms down and lays on his back, breathing heavily and contemplating what Edward has said.



Edward now right in front of the slave puts away his gun and begins to tie him up.



Suddenly the slave picks up his revolver off the ground, reaches for one single bullet from his pocket, loads it in the chamber, cocks the hammer and points it to his head.



Edward whips out his gun and shoots the gun away before the slave could pull the trigger.



EDWARD

You ain’t worth nothing dead

and you can’t work with a bullet

in your brain



Pause.



Edward laughs in a merciless way and ties the slave up.



He pulls him up and they walk off down the road, limping and stumbling.



EXT. SLAVE CAMP NEW MEXICO 1860 - NIGHT



A confederate flag waves in the night sky, illuminated by the near by camp fires.



Two slaves chained by there ankles walk together in perfect sync.

They are Sebastian and Thomas.



THOMAS

Why?



Sebastian doesn’t listen and seems to be in a world of his own.



THOMAS

This place is hell and you smile



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Maybe I like it here



THOMAS

You know, I don’t understand

anything about you, nothing,

You must be mad



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Or maybe it’s you who is mad



THOMAS

You got to be mad to smile



The pair are met by a slave driver unlocking the slaves. He is slave driver #1.



Thomas stares at the man for a moment and then the slave driver unlocks there chains.



There is a large table off to the side. On the table are wooden spoons, clay bowels, two huge pots and a bundle of bread. Behind the table is the cook and at the end of it is slave driver #2.



Thomas and Sebastian walk over to the table, take a clay bowel, wooden spoon and collect there bread and soup.



COOK

Hey!, My favorite worker, here you get double



The cook gives him more soup.



COOK

You know why I give you double?



Sebastian shrugs his shoulders.



COOK

Because your different, your not like

these ungrateful dogs, look at them so sad,

bastards!, They should be happy, They get

three meals a day, something to do and a roof

over there heads, They should be more like you, Eh!



Sebastian nods his head and walks on.



There is a bunch of slaves sitting around a fire eating there soup and bread.



Thomas walks toward them while Sebastian turns to slave driver #2.



SEBASTIAN

podría sentar allá a senor



SLAVE DRIVER #2

Sure thing Mexican



Sebastian walks to a patch of desert and sits down by himself.



He lays back on the ground, looking up at the full moon, tips out his bowl of soup and takes a bite out of his bread.



He start tapping at the bowl with his spoon.



Transition: The moon becomes the sun and the sound becomes louder.



EXT. SLAVE QUARRY - MIDDAY - THE NEXT DAY



The sun shines over 108 slave working on a quarry. They are chained in pair and wielding mattock picks.



Thomas is wearing a scruffy black hat.



As they pound at the rocky quarry wall Thomas stops, takes off his hat, throws it near Sebastian and lays down on the ground.



THOMAS

You know my name really ain’t Thomas



Sebastian continues to hit the quarry wall, glancing at the hat every few seconds.



THOMAS

It’s time to go, Mexico, do you wanna come?



Sebastian doesn’t answer.



THOMAS

We’re getting out today,

heading west and then south,

till we hit the border



Thomas stares up at the sky.



Edward walks past them, using a tree branch as a walking stick while dragging the slave behind him.



He signals a near by slave driver over to the two slaves.



As the slave driver walks slowly toward Thomas, he stands up and puts on his hat.



The slave driver, about three metre away from him now, picks up a rock from the ground.



Thomas stands there kind of smiling until the man is right next to him.



The slave driver swings with the rock, hitting Thomas in the head and knocking him to the quarry floor.



As Thomas falls to the ground he quickly grabs the man’s nine shot Lemat revolver.



Sebastian now focussing all his concentration on the quarry walls continues to work, ignoring what’s happening behind him.



Thomas cocks the gun and points it at the Petrified slave driver.



He gets up and puts the gun in the mans mouth and pulls to trigger. The man falls to the ground, squirms a bit then dies.



Thomas wipes the blood from his wounds and begins to walk, dragging Sebastian behind him.



Sebastian turns around and shakes his head.



THOMAS

You don’t wanna stay here,

it’s time to go



Sebastian looks down.



Thomas points the gun at the chain and starts shooting it, blowing it to pieces.



Suddenly another slave driver comes running toward the two with a rifle and shoots Thomas in the throat, He shoots back killing him instantly.



As Thomas slowly descends to the ground below he give the revolver to Sebastian.



THOMAS

(subtitled)

My name ain’t Thomas!



Sebastian looks down at the now dead Thomas emotionless, picks up the hat and walks away.



EXT. SLAVE QUARRY UTAH 1860 - MIDDAY



Edward, now about 400 metre from the two slaves, meets an elderly man in front of a single room cabin. The old man is JOE.



As Edward walks toward Joe, the slave begins to struggle.



JOE

Hey



EDWARD

Hey



Edward tries to say something but stops.



Edward hands over the slave.



JOE

You don’t look to good



EDWARD

I know



CONTINUED >>>>>>>>>>


#2

CONTINUED >>>>>>>


#3

Sebastian stands next to The driver.



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

What are you doing?



The driver looks at Sebastian confused.



THE DRIVER

Looking



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Looking?



THE DRIVER

Yeah



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

I shall look too



THE DRIVER

You don’t know what your looking for?



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Do you?



THE DRIVER

Yeah



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

So, what are you looking for?



THE DRIVER

I’ll know when I shoot it



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Shoot it?



The driver lifts his rifle and aims it at something off beyond the lake.



He fires a bullet into a bush, three birds fly out and he shoots them all.



Sebastian and the driver walk towards the birds.



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Where’d you learn to shoot?



THE DRIVER

You ask a lot a questions



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Does that bother you?



THE DRIVER

Yeah, it kinda does



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

I’m sorry



THE DRIVER

Right



Another bird flies up into the sky.



Sebastian whips out his revolver, cocks the hammer with two hands and fires at the bird, missing it completely.



The driver shoots the bird with one hand making it look easy.



Sebastian looks disappointed and shoves the gun back into the front of his pants.



THE DRIVER

Why don’t you speak American?



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Do I look American?



THE DRIVER

no



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

Why do you speak Mexican?



THE DRIVER

(smiling)

Do I look Mexican



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

But you understand it



THE DRIVER

Yeah



SEBASTIAN

(Spanish)

How come?



The driver becomes silent for a while and looks out into the distant.



He grabs Sebastian by the neck and throws him into water.



THE DRIVER

That ain’t none of your business!



The driver continues to walk toward the birds while Sebastian walks back to the carriage.



DISSOLVE TO:



EXT. DESERT - MIDDAY



Various shots of the carriage traveling through the desert.



EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN - MORNING - THE NEXT DAY



The horse and carriage moves at an incredible speed.



The driver looks off into the distant and sees the town of Holly spirits.



He taps on the carriage and Dallas opens a little window right behind him.



THE DRIVER

We’re here



DALLAS

Great



INT. CARRIAGE - MORNING

Sebastian and Benny are asleep in their chairs.



Dallas stands up and walks toward the gun.



Sebastian opens his eyes.



They both smile and Dallas gives a bottle to Sebastian.



DALLAS

Water?



Sebastian takes a sip of the water with both hands.



Suddenly Dallas snatches the Lemat nine shot revolver off the little table, swirls it around, loosely points it at the puzzled Sebastian and sits back down.



Benny wakes up.



DALLAS

You know, this is a confederate revolver,

and you don’t look like no confederate brother



Sebastian jumps up but Dallas quickly puts him back down, while Benny grabs some rope and ties him up.



INT. HOLLY SPIRITS HOTEL - MORNING



Edward lays in a queen sized bed.



The sheets next to him are all messed up. He looks over and there is no one there.



The book on San Francisco is sitting open on a bed side table.



Someone knocks at his door.



He gets out of bed, leaning on his walking stick and picks his revolver up off a bed side table.



The sound of the knocking get louder.



EDWARD

What’d ya want?



He sits down on the ground right in front of the door, cocks the hammer of his revolver and unlocks the door with his cane.



EDWARD

Come in!



A man opens the door with a piece of paper in his hand. The man puts up his hands.



Edward puts down his gun.



EDWARD

What!



MAN#1

A message senor



The man gives Edward the piece of paper, it says: Another slave has escaped. The papers are at the sheriff’s office.



EDWARD

Who gave you the paper?



MAN#1

The sheriff



EDWARD

Right



The man stands there while Edward struggles to stand up.



EDWARD

Get the hell out a here!



The man runs away and Edward is on his feet.



He looks out the window, loads some bullet and sees the bright morning sun.



EXT. HOLLY SPIRITS - MORNING

Dallas and Benny’s carriage pulls into the town.



They hop out.



Sebastian is seen through the door, all tied up and a bandanna in his mouth.



The driver hops off the driving seat.



well that as much as i want to put on the board. what do you think


#4

HELLO! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE!



this always happens every time i post a script no one replies and then i go on and have a conversation by my self.



i think maybe my script are so horrible that no ones wants to spend there precious time commenting on them.



there fore i apologise to everyone who had to read this topic.



ps. it would be nice is somebody replied


#5

dear THE TRUE GENTLEMAN.



i thought your script was kinda ok especially the start. yet it seems that it isn’t going anywhere maybe if you add more little bits of the main story at the start.



the dialogue is kind of weak in some part and doesn’t really sound westerny maybe you should fix it up.



other than that i was alright, if i was you i would ask someone else other than the net if you should continue to finish it. (but not your mother as she will say anything you write is a masterpeice).



i say you should -------------------------------trhhhhhhhhhvfdmnbv help i’m drifting off to heaven


#6

Maybe nobody posts replies for your scripts because they think your an asshole that posts replies for it’s own script.


#7

but it takes so long, but you are probally right


#8

wow are you a jackass (no one likes a little bitch).



anyway the script is pretty good, there were little bits that needed redoing and some dialogue needing to sound cooler.

i liked the way edward sounded at the start and at the hotel and thought it was cool how you made him “nicer” around joe suggesting there past. yet the driver and dallas doesn’t really sound right, maybe i’m not getting them. sebastian is boring.



people don’t post because it’s a waste of time reading something that’s three posts long (although i kind of enjoyed it). SHIT FOR BRAINS.


#9

I read this same sequence about a month ago… ::slight_smile:


#10

You could have made the post shorter. We got the gist from the first two posts. In the future everyone keep your posts of scripts to a resonable length. That way you’ll get more responses.



I really like your script. You’ve got mood and interesting characters. The time period and setting are great and and Edward is a character I can really get into. Keep developing him. It’s worth working on.