Ok, so I’m spilling my guts here, but I really need completely objective points of view in order to base a decision.
I started my daughter a facebook page a week or so ago. She’s been doing great on it, taking care of all her own stuff and everything. But yesterday, her father friend requested her. I was sitting beside her when she clicked the notification and I watched the color leave her face when she realized who it was…
Four and a half years ago, her father stole her while she was visiting my parents. He told them that I said it was ok with me if he picked up my daughter. She was 3 then. I didn’t give any sort of consent for him to take her, and they didn’t bother to check with me.
See, he met this chick on the internet and married her as soon as he got back from Iraq. He told her what a horrible person I was, and what a great but tortured father he was, and they decided to nab her and file for custody. Seeing as we never had an “official” custody agreement before, it was technically legal for him to do so. Nevermind the fact that he NEVER sent her a card or gift or shit for her birthdays or Christmases, and never cared to see my daughter again after we broke up.
He wouldn’t let me, or any of my family see or talk to my daughter. He filed for custody, I went to the court, which was 160 miles away from my home, and I fought for her. He had to go back to Iraq for a year during the case, so the judge gave my parents temporary custody. I took care of her the whole time though.
When he came back from Iraq, we never heard from him again. His “now”
ex-wife called and said that she was sorry she ever believed him (I forgot to mention that he lied about everything he ever told me - college-football-parents-fiance-etc.), and that she hoped everything worked out cos she was leaving him. I set court date after court date, and went all the way there to court over and over, and he never showed. So the judge gave me full custody. I would have won anyway. I had a perfect case built.
Anyway, now that I started my daughter a facebook account, he friend requested her. I didn’t even know he had a facebook. She got so scared that he would come and steal her again that she went around and locked the doors and now she won’t sleep in her own bedroom. She’s totally fucked-up by this. She denied the friend request, obviously, but she’s freaked. I didn’t mention that he touched her inappropriately while he had her either. But he did. And she remembers. He didn’t get convicted cos she told me, my mom, and my friends about it, but wouldn’t say a word to the police. She was so young, she was scared.
But, do you guys think I should contact him now that I know he’s on facebook, and sort of try to extend an olive branch? He only has supervised visitation from the court, and he’s living like a thousand miles away now. You think if I let her talk to him, maybe she’d quit being so scared of him? I mean, he’d never be around her alone. But he did do some bad shit, and I don’t want to give my daughter the idea that I’d ever let something like that happen again.
Fuck, is it better just to cut him off and let her live in this fear, or to let her get to know him a bit? He did bad shit. But maybe not knowing him makes her fear him even more. I just don’t know. I’m very confused.
Ok, so I’m spilling my guts here, but I really need completely objective points of view in order to base a decision.
We all have our problems. Even I do. I should get one of those signs that says “one of these days im gonna get organezized”.
Honestly, Geoi, it’s kinda hard for us to judge or give you advices cause it’s the internet, we don’t know you or your ex or your daughter for real.
I can just tell you that first of all if your daughter doest’ feel like meeting her dad again, forget it. She should be the only one who decided it even if obviously she’s too scared of him right now to feel like seeing him again. Some kids don’t know their father and don’t suffer from it. If you have a good familial structure, it’s all what matters in the end, not to have a regular dad-mom family.
Secondly, if you ever decide to talk to your ex again (which migth be a good idea if you want to know his intentions towards your daughter) and let him meet your kid again, don’t let her alone with him. At least not at first. If your ex is apparently like you described it, you should stay with your daughter too. No matter how hard it might for you too to be in the same room as him.
And last advice, fuck Facebook. I don’t have an account while everybody is putting pressure on me cause it’s supposed to be so awesome. Your kid is young enough, she doesn’t need to schedule her friends meetings over facebook or keep contact with old friends. Of course it’s not dangerous or anything but well, it’s not like we couldn’t live without facebook.
But anyway, good luck with everything. Keep us updated but then again, sorry, it’s always hard to give such advices. What do your parents or friends say about it ?
Even if she meets up with him, she’s still not really going to forget it ever happened. I doubt it would really fix it. If you stay away, she’ll forget the fear in time. I mean, it took being reminded of him to scare her again, right? She’ll go back to how she was once she realises he’s not hiding in her closet waiting to get her like the boogeyman.
I appreciate it, guys. I thought it would help to get the opinions of others, you know, people who aren’t involved. I purposely asked y’all because you
don’t really know us. Sometimes it’s hard to make a rational decision when you’re too invested in the problem.
My parents say that if he really wanted to talk to her, he should get in touch with me. My friends say “to hell with him, he fucked up.”
I just don’t like the fact that she’s so scared of him. I thought that perhaps, since she hasn’t seen him since then, she only remembers the bad stuff and that makes her more frightened. And no way would I leave him alone with her. The court papers say he could only have supervised visitation.
You want the best for you daughter. You don’t know if you should cut off the contact between your ex and your daughter completely or not. Maybe talk to a child psychiatrist about this, ask him/her (probably her ) what would be the best for your child.
If you ask me: It’s just facebook, reading a message from him can’t hurt her, though you should probably find a way to read it before she does? How old is she now?
She’s 7. I was asking if y’all thought I should talk to him. She’s not going to be the one in contact with him first, if I even decide to contact him. The court papers say he has to go through me. If he doesn’t, he would be in violation. But he won’t contact me first because he knows that I know what he did, and I’m not as easy to convince as my daughter. I know how he lies, and I don’t believe a word he says. A child will believe anything with enough convincing, and he’s very convincing.
"My parents say that if he really wanted to talk to her, he should get in touch with me."
i agree with your parents on this.
Try to get in touch with him then, if you’re harder to convince cause you’ll be rational and won’t be seduce by his words. Only then you’ll know what he wants but you better ask him to stay away from now one and better test cool stuff like giving a present for christmas, birthday before thinking of meeting your daughter again. He should try to get attention in other ways to prove he’s not as fucked up as before.
But seriously, no rush. I agree with Angel, your daughter will be less scared with the time if nothing happens). No need to bring him back in her life cause you never know how it can end. little attentions like letters, gift, and so on, might be better and subtle way to calm her down without brnging him back in her life.
Thank you so much. I was thinking pretty much the same thing. Tell him if he wants to talk to her, he should try sending her cards and gifts for a start. At least give her the notion that he gives a shit about her before he starts trying to form a relationship with her. I’m still wondering if it’s even worth contacting him at all, or like Angel said, time away would be better.
I personally don’t want him in our lives at all. He’s pretty much the worst person I’ve ever met. Everything about him that I fell in love with was a complete fabrication. I don’t know why he lies about everything. He just does. But this isn’t about me or him, it’s about her. It’s so hard to decide because no one can know what will happen in the future, and which choice is better for my daughter in the long run.
I think I’ll send him a short message asking him to call me. I don’t want to put everything in text because he would probably edit it to make it look like I said something I didn’t. He did that with e-mails in court. Doctored them then printed them out. If he calls, I can record the call and save it, so there won’t ever be any doubt.
Given your daughters reaction. I wouldn’t initiate anything. She and her mental well being comes first. Some people think that just because you’re a sperm donor, you’re automatically a parent. Sure you have rights, but hey… Are you really willing to go thru what it takes to raise a fellow human being? Set your Facebook settings in privacy to ‘friends only’. Block it so people can’t search you out. I think there’s a way of doing that. And make sure she doesn’t get too personal in her sharing of email, location, etc. Keep her safe.
Really, what do you have to talk to him about? Why extend an olive branch when there is more damage to be made than good. If your daughter ‘ever’ wants to talk to him. Let her bring it up and then take it from there.
[quote=“roulette67”]Given your daughters reaction. I wouldn’t initiate anything. She and her mental well being comes first. Some people think that just because you’re a sperm donor, you’re automatically a parent. Sure you have rights, but hey… Are you really willing to go thru what it takes to raise a fellow human being? Set your Facebook settings in privacy to ‘friends only’. Block it so people can’t search you out. I think there’s a way of doing that. And make sure she doesn’t get too personal in her sharing of email, location, etc. Keep her safe.
Really, what do you have to talk to him about? Why extend an olive branch when there is more damage to be made than good. If your daughter ‘ever’ wants to talk to him. Let her bring it up and then take it from there.[/quote]
I instantly changed both of our settings to “friends only”… And the only reason I’d think of contacting him is because I know he’ll never be alone with her, and he’ll never want to be around me again. But he could at least send her a birthday card. She thinks he hates her. No child should have to feel that burden.
Yikes, Geoi. 7 year olds on facebook? That’s kind of dangerous, I usually don’t post too much about myself on the internet because I believe that the Jews control all major social networks, just like they control your sense of humor and entertainment media. I don’t know what they are up to, but when they try to get me, I’ll be one step ahead of them, you hear that Jebhia Greenberg! You won’t get me!!!
Anyways, Geoi, my point is this, the internet functions in codes, numbers, numbers, binary codes all processing faster than the speed of light…well, not that fast but pretty fast, and with those codes, namely through your “IP Address”, they can track and break all codes in your computer, and when they do…God help us…
The Jews are COMING! :-[
My point is, if i can see what you write, then you can see what I write, but who is else is watching us in this virtual realm of lawlessness we call “the internet”. Facebook is a great evil, for it connects the minds of many into one platform, a platform built to “socialize”, but in reality we know it is a site that has amassed the lives of many for unknown reasons, and when the Jews come to get us, we will have to answer for all of our wall posts and tweets! Soon your mind will be living in a realm of a virtual world! CAN"T YOU SEE, Geoi!
It’s the Jews! THE JEWS!
Bio, you’re weird. you should go out more.
[quote=“Col. Crazy Kenneth”]Bio, you’re weird. you should go out more.[/quote]
Nope hes perfectly normal. You’re the weird one.
We’re all weird.
[quote=“Sgt. Geoi Donowitz”]We’re all weird.[/quote]
some good weird, some bad weird
Sorry it took me so long to spot this thread and I haven’t read anyone else’s response so this may be redundant but the dude kidnapped and molested your daughter. As far as I’m concerned he should never be allowed near her again. Father or not.
At the very least wait until your daughter is old enough to make the decision for herself.