Ugly Bride: Gil, its you’re baby…
Gil: …I can’t get this damn gun to shoot! OK. Well I didnt know the safety was on!
Gil finally fires.
Voice offscreen: You missed.
Gil: Goddamn Japanese firearms!
CUT TO BLACK SCREEN.
Ugly Bride: Thought I was dead didnt ya? I did too. Gil popped a cap in my crown and fucked me all up. That is until I woke up 4 years later and found out I was being used as a cumdumpster. After that I went on what the movie scripts refer to as a “truly fucked up massacre”. I’ve messed up a whole lot of asian stuntpeople to get to this point. Now I only have 2 people left… (QT: offscreen: ONE!)…One person left, the one I’m driving to now (rear projection shot ends and goes white) and when I arrive at his house, I’m gonna KILL GIL.
(Upbeat Ragtime music plays)
Vol 2 Credits sequence
Chapter 6: Bloodfest at Red Vines
(Ugly Bride VO)
Want to know how this whole fucked up story got started? Well open up your eyes and ears jerky and I’ll tell ya. “Bloodfest at Red Vines” thats what the papers called it, “The Cucamonga Wedding Chapel Blood-O-Rama” tha ts what the TV news called it. I called it “The time I got bushwhacked during my fuckin wedding and shot in my fuckin head…DAY”. Anyways, the whole thing didnt go down at the wedding, it was at the wedding rehearsal…
Rev Whorehouse: Rule #1: No kids during the wedding. Last time we had a wedding in here some little snotnose brat pissed all over the pews. Rule #2: No senio r citizens over 80. A couple weddings back, some old craggy bastard ended up shittin himself and stunk up the whole ceremony. Had to have the goddamn place…sanitized. Do you understand the first 2 rules?
Tommy and Arlene: Yes.
Rev Whorehouse: Good. Rule #3: You have two choices for a wedding song. First song: Seventeen by Janis Ian or Superfreak by Rick James which will be played by Rufus over there. Rufus what was that group you used to play with?
Rev Whorehouse: Cameo…Rufus, he’s my (BLEEP)…now, that side is the grooms side and where youre sitting is the Brides side.
Arlene: Uh, I dont have any family coming, I’m an orphan.
Mrs Whorehouse: Awwww, that must be terrible. Were you abandoned because of your problem?
Arlene: What problem?
Rev Whorehouse: Who’s gonna sit on your side then?
Arlene: My friends from work. This is Annie, Penelope, Ruth and Lil’ Playa.
Rev Whorehouse: That’ll be just fine…
Arlene (to her friends): I gotta get outta here for a few minutes, that fat bitch is annoying me.
Mrs Whorehouse: I heard that!
Arlene gets up and begins to walk out of the chapel. Suddenly she hears the faint sounds of a clarinet playing screechy goofy notes outside.
(Sergio Leone style edit of Bride looking at Gil)
Gil (Woody Allen)
(FOR THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER THE FILM BECOMES A WOODY ALLEN STYLE COMEDY)
Arlene: How did you find me?
Gil (in evil spy villain mode, twiddling his fingers): You don’t remember but I had a special electronic device implanted in your leg.
Arlene: What are you doin here?
Gil (now in typical Brooklyn accent): What is this? Jeezus, I’m here for the wedding.
Arlene: You aren’t mad at me anymore?
Gil: Mad at you? Noooo. Words can’t describe how I feel about you. I love you, I luf you, I loave you…so ya wanna fool around?
Arlene: I can’t. I really can’t.
Gil: Why nottt? We can go back to my hotel and play hide the salam.
Arlene: Oh heres Tommy! Call me Arlene!
Tommy: We’re ready to start.
Arlene: Tommy this is my father Gil!
Gil (under his breath): Your fa- jeezus.
Tommy: Its an honor to meet you sir!
Gil (visibly sick): I think I’m going to sit down I don’t feel so good. I had this chicken dinner on the plane. They shouldve killed it first.