Over black we hear labored breathing.
“He who goes to bed with itchy bum, wakes up with smelly thumb” - Confuscious
Labored breathing continues
WE CUT TO:
Outside of bathroom stall door. We hear a loud grunt then a ploop…ploop. It ech oes through bathroom.
Vernita: You want some coffee?
The Bride: You got Taster’s Choice?
Vernita: Hell no, I dont drink that shit. I got me some Starbucks Home Brew.
VO: This fatass bitch is Jeannie Bell, when I knew her, she was Vernita Green. She always made great coffee.
Vernita: I thought your ass was in a coma. Then Bill calls me up and he’s all: Watch out, cuz BLEEP is comin to kill yo ass. Sheeeit. I dont believe it.
The Bride sips the coffee looks at Vernita nods and says:
Vernita: I just cleaned up the house, now its all a fuckin mess again. THANKS BLEEP!
Bride: I’m not here to talk about your messy house or the old days. I’m here to kick your motherfuckin ass Copperhead.
Vernita: Well you can kiss MY motherfuckin ass Black Mamba…Black Mamba, sheeeit I shouldve been motherfuckin Black Mamba.
Bride: White girls got asses too.
The Bride smirks.
Vernita: Very funny bitch. (Vernita reaches into her pants and pulls out a shotgun, but the barrel is fucking long, wayyyyy longer than The Joker’s gun in Batman) VERY FUCKIN FUNNY!
CUT TO: The Bride drinks her coffee.
CUT TO: Vernita keeps pulling the shotgun out…
CUT TO: Bride waits and sips the coffee.
CUT TO: Vernita still is pulling the barrel out. She finally gets it out then starts loading the shells in.
CUT TO: The Bride slurping the last bit of coffee. She takes out a cigarette, lights it, smokes it casually.
CUT TO: Vernita drops the gun by accident. She kneels down and picks it up.
She finally gets ready to fire.
(IN SLOW MOTION)
She fires, but the gun explodes in her face, turning it black like a cartoon. She falls down.
The Bride (kneeling down and looks stoic): Bill always said you were great with knives…but damn, you couldnt handle a gun for SHIT.
Over black we hear labored breathing.
The Bride: It was not my intention to do this in front of you. For that I’m sorry. But you can take my word for it, your mother was almost cumin’. So i thought i’d finish her off.
The Bride: How did you find me?
Bill: [off screen] I’m the She-Male.
The Bride: [her first words upon waking from the coma] My cock! My cock!
The Bride: Go-Go, I know you feel you must protect your mistress. But I beg you, Don’t use that condom. It’s been used over 140 times.
[Go-Go giggles girlishly]
Go Go Yubari: You call that begging? You can beg better than that.
HHattori Hanzo: What brings you to Okinawa?
The Bride: I’m here to see a man.
Hattori Hanzo: Oh yeah? You have a friend living in Okinawa?
The Bride: Not quite.
Hattori Hanzo: Not a friend?
The Bride: I’ve never met him. He’s a mail order husband
Hattori Hanzo: Never? Mail order husband, eh? Who is he, may I ask?
The Bride: Hattori Hanzo
Hattori Hanzo: WHAAAT!?
The Bride: Just fuckin’ wit’ ya!
O-Ren Ishii: Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with asian cocks.
Budd: That woman deserves to get laid and we deserve to fuck her.
“Im Buck, and I’m here to play yatzee!”
Sherriff McGraw (looking at massacre scene): Goooood gravy Marie. Its Prince Spaghetti Day.
Son #1: Theres 10 of em here. They even killed the colored organ player.
Sheriff: Yeah, that’s Rufus, he WAS the man…what a fuckin mess. Whoever did this was one sloppy pussy. I mean, look at the way they shot these poor SOBs, they’re all over the place, guts splattered everywhere, brains on the damn pews…
Son #1: That one got it right in the head. I checked and her name came up as Arlene Machiavelli. Thats a fake. We’ve just been callin her The Bride.
Sheriff: You should call her ASSFACE. Look at her. A damn unibrow? fuckin zits the size of moon craters, warped nose, eyes 2 different sizes. She looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. This bitch aint gonna be missed.
The Bride spits in The Sheriffs face.
Sheriff punches The Bride in the head.
Sheriff: Son #1…this tall drink of cocksucker aint dead. Ã¢Ë†Å¾
The Bride: You any good with that Strap-on cock?
[Cue Porn Music]
Karen Kim: Not that I have to be at this range, but I’m a fucking surgeon with this strap-on.
The Bride: You and I have unfinished business.
Bill: Baby, you ain’t kidding.
[Cue Porn Music]
Narrator: Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!
The Bride: Show me your nuts.
Chapter Three: THE GOOP SPLATERED BRIDE
El Driver: You looked ugly back then, but now you look even worse…
(Hospital IV beeps)
…I should cut off your life support so the world doesnt have to be subjected to your dog like features…
I got some shit Bill mixed up, its this death serum. I wanted to inject yo ugly ass with battery acid, go all Coffy on you, but Bill said no…
…I think I’m gonna be sick from looking at your face…
(El Driver pukes)
(Her cellphone rings)
El (gags): Bill?..Yes, I’m sick…from her face…shes even uglier than she used to be…I’m gonna donkey punch her for being so ugly…no, I didnt inject the serum yet… OH YOU DONT OWE HER SHIT!!
CUT TO BILL:
Bill: She’s alive and we arent going to go through with this. We’ve done some nasty shit to this bitch already and if she ever wakes up we’ll do a whole lot more. But one thing we WONT do is sneak into her room like a dirty rat and kill her. Cuz THAT would lower us…Do you agree Ms Driver?
El: Her face is really…making me…sick.
El pukes (BLORRRRRRRCH)
Bill: Take some Pepto and come home honey.
El: Yes (burp) dear.
(El looks down at The Bride, now with a bag over her head)
El: You got lucky this time BLEEP, but you better never wake up cuz I’ll bury your fugly ass in cow manure if you do.
We hear a bleep and CUT TO the Hospital IV meter that READS:
The Bride hears someone whistling in the hall outside. She pretends to sleep.
Buck the Orderely and a Trucker peek their heads in the door.
Buck: You wanna fuck this bitch?..Here are the rules: You can slap her, cum in her cootch cuz its dead down there, give her donkey punches, hickeys and monkey bites. You can do it all, just please no Dirty Sanchez’, Hot Carls or Cleveland Steamers, cuz I gotta clean that shit up.
Trucker inspects The Bride but looks disgusted.
Buck: Oh, Put a bag over it, you’ll be fine.
Trucker: Errrr, ok.
(Trucker pukes up in his mouth a little)
Buck: 75 bucks is the ugly fee my friend. Enjoy and I’ll be back in 20. Hee! hee!
(The Trucker’s face turns sickly green and he groans)
(Jules and Vincent riding in the car)
Vincent:You want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Kill Bill not Pulp Fiction
Kill Bill not Pulp Fiction
Maybe, but you wouldn’t hear that in Kill Bill either
My bad.Thought this was the PF one.
The Bride: Wiggle your big toe.
TITLE CARD: 13 hours later.
INT - BACKSEAT OF BUCK’S TRUCK
The Bride: Put your left foot in…put your left foot out…put your left foot in and you shake it all about.
CUT TO: Animated cartoon of O-Ren Ishii as child
O-Ren: You do the hokey pokey and you give a little shout…
BRIDE (live action) AND O-REN (anime): Thats what its all about.
(The Bride in prison)
Inmate:(looks at the bride)It can get real lonely here sometimes(bride looks at inmate)but dont you fret none i’ll take good care of you(bride pokes inmates eyes out)You Bitch,you bitch!
My name is buck and I came here to (pause) teach you about personal finance
Sushi Chef: We-come. You Engrish?
Bride: Uh, close. American.
Sushi Chef: Ahh!..first time in Okinawa?
Sushi Chef: You sexy.
Sushi Chef: You speak Japanese.
Bride: A little.
Sushi Chef: What words you know?
Bride: Uhhhh Kon-itchy-wa.
Sushi Chef: Ko-nee-chee-wa. Repeat preese.
Bride: Preese? Its PL-EEEASE. Repeat.
Bride. No. PA-LEEEEEASE.
Bride: Ahh, Forget it. Got any warm sake?
Sushi Chef: Warm sake? Verry goooood!
(In Japanese to assistant) YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! GET YOUR MONKEY ASS DOWN HERE!!
Assistant (in Japanese): Fuckin prick! I’m watching Takeshi’s Castle and you interrupt me?! Motherfuck! Fuck you in your ear! Fucker!
Sushi Chef (in Japanese): See this (holds sushi knife) I’m gonna stick it up your ASS! Ya bald headed cunt ya! Now get the sake for this bitch before she starts complaining!
(In English to Bride) Uh, sorry.
Asst (in Japanese): She has nice ass!
Sushi Chef (in Japanese): She can sit on my face anytime. hahahaha!
Sushi Chef: You have friend in Okinawa?
Sushi Chef: No friend?
Bride: I never met him.
Sushi Chef: What’s his name?
Bride: Mr. Miyagi.
(cue “Glory of Love” (Love Theme from Karate Kid II) by Peter Cetera)
[Talking to Bill]
Budd: That woman deserves her revenge… and we deserve to die.
[laughs]But then again, so does she[Movie pauses,Narrator talks]
Narrator:If you want the bride to seek her revenge press the number 1 on your chair.If you want the bride to die a painful death press 2 on your chair.Thank you,you have selected[small pause]number 1.Please pay 2 dollars for using our voting system on the way out,enjoy the rest of the movie and thank you for using our cinema for your movie experience.[movie starts back]
Bride (to Sofie): You tell Bill I want him to know that I know you know that he knows what I know.
Sofie: Come again?
Bride: I want him to know what I know. I want him to know what I know. I want you to know that he knows that I know.
Sofie: Didnt catch it.
Bride: GIVE ME YOUR OTHER ARM!!
“…wiggle your ugly toes…”
Ugly Bride: Gil, its you’re baby…
Gil: …I can’t get this damn gun to shoot! OK. Well I didnt know the safety was on!
Gil finally fires.
Voice offscreen: You missed.
Gil: Goddamn Japanese firearms!
CUT TO BLACK SCREEN.
Ugly Bride: Thought I was dead didnt ya? I did too. Gil popped a cap in my crown and fucked me all up. That is until I woke up 4 years later and found out I was being used as a cumdumpster. After that I went on what the movie scripts refer to as a “truly fucked up massacre”. I’ve messed up a whole lot of asian stuntpeople to get to this point. Now I only have 2 people left… (QT: offscreen: ONE!)…One person left, the one I’m driving to now (rear projection shot ends and goes white) and when I arrive at his house, I’m gonna KILL GIL.
(Upbeat Ragtime music plays)
Vol 2 Credits sequence
Chapter 6: Bloodfest at Red Vines
(Ugly Bride VO)
Want to know how this whole fucked up story got started? Well open up your eyes and ears jerky and I’ll tell ya. “Bloodfest at Red Vines” thats what the papers called it, “The Cucamonga Wedding Chapel Blood-O-Rama” tha ts what the TV news called it. I called it “The time I got bushwhacked during my fuckin wedding and shot in my fuckin head…DAY”. Anyways, the whole thing didnt go down at the wedding, it was at the wedding rehearsal…
Rev Whorehouse: Rule #1: No kids during the wedding. Last time we had a wedding in here some little snotnose brat pissed all over the pews. Rule #2: No senio r citizens over 80. A couple weddings back, some old craggy bastard ended up shittin himself and stunk up the whole ceremony. Had to have the goddamn place…sanitized. Do you understand the first 2 rules?
Tommy and Arlene: Yes.
Rev Whorehouse: Good. Rule #3: You have two choices for a wedding song. First song: Seventeen by Janis Ian or Superfreak by Rick James which will be played by Rufus over there. Rufus what was that group you used to play with?
Rev Whorehouse: Cameo…Rufus, he’s my (BLEEP)…now, that side is the grooms side and where youre sitting is the Brides side.
Arlene: Uh, I dont have any family coming, I’m an orphan.
Mrs Whorehouse: Awwww, that must be terrible. Were you abandoned because of your problem?
Arlene: What problem?
Rev Whorehouse: Who’s gonna sit on your side then?
Arlene: My friends from work. This is Annie, Penelope, Ruth and Lil’ Playa.
Rev Whorehouse: That’ll be just fine…
Arlene (to her friends): I gotta get outta here for a few minutes, that fat bitch is annoying me.
Mrs Whorehouse: I heard that!
Arlene gets up and begins to walk out of the chapel. Suddenly she hears the faint sounds of a clarinet playing screechy goofy notes outside.
(Sergio Leone style edit of Bride looking at Gil)
Gil (Woody Allen)
(FOR THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER THE FILM BECOMES A WOODY ALLEN STYLE COMEDY)
Arlene: How did you find me?
Gil (in evil spy villain mode, twiddling his fingers): You don’t remember but I had a special electronic device implanted in your leg.
Arlene: What are you doin here?
Gil (now in typical Brooklyn accent): What is this? Jeezus, I’m here for the wedding.
Arlene: You aren’t mad at me anymore?
Gil: Mad at you? Noooo. Words can’t describe how I feel about you. I love you, I luf you, I loave you…so ya wanna fool around?
Arlene: I can’t. I really can’t.
Gil: Why nottt? We can go back to my hotel and play hide the salam.
Arlene: Oh heres Tommy! Call me Arlene!
Tommy: We’re ready to start.
Arlene: Tommy this is my father Gil!
Gil (under his breath): Your fa- jeezus.
Tommy: Its an honor to meet you sir!
Gil (visibly sick): I think I’m going to sit down I don’t feel so good. I had this chicken dinner on the plane. They shouldve killed it first.
The Bride:Show me what you got bill?
Bill:Are you sure you want to see it?
Bill:[Bill throws The Bride a basketball]Bring it bitch!
The Bride:Oh I’ll bring it motherfucker!
[Bride cuts off crazy88 members arm]
Crazy88 member:That all you got bitch?Why dont you go in the kitchen and make me a cake?
[Bride cuts off other arm]
Crazy88 member:Is that it?If I wanted to have sex with you I would’ve asked for your number first.