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Encounter Script


#1

Ok, i’m 15 and i just wrote my first short script. I know its not in the right format and i’m going to get some screenwrithing books from the library. Please tell me what you think. It a mixture beteween Sergio Leone, George Rormaro and Hido Kojamia. Enjoy.











Black & White Fade

(kids playing in the desert)

Voice: I was once a very sad child. I never knew my father and my mother died when i was 6. I’ve been an orphan ever since. I love having people taking care of me but all i ever wanted is to just be loved…



Desert

(kids making a club house)

Kid 1: Hey Steven, wait up.

(Steven running with a block of wood)

Steven: Well you better hurry up Alyssa. It’s getting late.

Alyssa: Fine…

Kid 2: Hey, what are you trying to build anyways?

Steven: How many fucking times do i have to tell you Ryan, a club house.

Ryan: Ok, well we better get back to the orphanage in time. I don’t want to get in trouble again.

(goes through a building montage)

Voice of Steven over montage: My friends from the orphanage was all i had. We all became like a family.

Alyssa: We got a lot done.

Ryan: What do we need a club house for anyway?

Steven: So we have a place to hang out. I hate that fucking orphanage.

Ryan: Hmm, i think we should start heading back.



Desert Long Scratch

(Leone style pull back with the group walking in slow motion)



Orphanage Building

(the kids go into the building very quietly)



Orphanage Room

Steven: We should be able to finish the club house in a few days.

Alyssa: Hey Steven.

Steven: Yea…

Alyssa: …never mind…

Steven:…

Ryan: Wow, you guys need to stop doing that…Its getting kind of strange.



Black Screen

Voice of Steven: Alyssa has always been shy. Her parents died in a car crash when she was 11 and she has been sad ever since that day. I knew her from school before that but we never talked but know we are pretty good friends. Ryan never knew his parents and he is glad because he thinks they left him on purpose.

Screen Print: 2 Weeks Later



Bright Sun

(Camera Directed at the sun)

(The camera slowly moves down to reveal the club house with the three kids talking)



Desert Club House

Alyssa: What‘s with that cloud of black smoke?

Steven: It could be…

Ryan: The chemical factory.

Alyssa: The chemical factory?

Ryan: Yea, it on the outskirts of town. I heard they make test chemical effects on animals there.

Steven: Yea, what ever… I’m sure its just a packing factory or something.

Ryan: That kid Shaun for school said his dad works there. He said its a chemical factory or something.

Alyssa: That smoke reminds me of my parents…

(Steven says with hesitation)

Steven: The car crash?

Alyssa: Yea…

Steven: I’m sorry.

(Alyssa’s eyes start to tear up)

Ryan: Alyssa, is there anyway i can help you?

Alyssa: I’m ok…

(Alyssa wipes the tears off her eyes)



Orphanage Front Walkway

Ryan: Did you notice the lack of people on the streets?

Steven: Yea, very strange.

(The kids enter the Orphanage and walks into the back to the bedrooms)



Orphanage

Alyssa: Well i am going to get to bed. I’m not felling to well.

(Alyssa walks off)

Ryan: Do you think she’s still sad?

Steven: I don’t know but i hope she feels better soon.

(The both go off to bed)



Orphanage

(late at night)

(Noise making a smacking sound at the window)

(Alyssa wakes up and hears the sound. She slowly moves over to the window. Once she opens the blinds a monster like creature is looking her right in her eyes not an inch away.)

Alyssa: (Scream)

(Steven wakes up and sees the monster. The monster is slow and is smashing against the window. Ryan wakes up and all the kids are in a panic)

Steven: What the fuck is it?

(During this time Alyssa is continues to scream)

Ryan: Its like a zombie.

(The window brakes and the zombie falls through. Alyssa is in the corner crying)

Steven: Fuck! We have to get out of here.

(Steven grabs Alyssa’s hand and Ryan follows. They all run out the door)



Street

(The kids ran down the dark street and headed for the clubhouse)





Club House

(They are all frightened and Alyssa is shacking.)

Ryan: Straight up, this sucks ass. What the hell is going on?

Alyssa: I…went up…to the window…and it was looking at…at…me.

Steven: Are you sure it was not just some drug addict?

Alyssa: It had no fucking eye!

Ryan: It was a zombie!

Steven: Come on. You can’t be serious. Zombies are things you read about in books and watch in movies. Nothing more than fiction.

Ryan: It was not just fiction. I saw it with my own fucking eyes!

Alyssa: We can’t just stay here. We have to do something about it.

Steven: Do you think there is any more?

Ryan: Possibly…

Steven: Its almost daylight. Lets stay here till daylight.

(Terminator style daylight flash)

(DAYLIGHT)



Street

(The group continues to the street and everything is quiet and no one is in sight. The group continues to walk down the street and right when the street turns they can see a group of around 8 zombies)

Alyssa: Oh my god.

Steven: What the fuck.

Alyssa: What the hell are they?

Ryan: They’re us, that’s all, when there’s no more room in hell.

Alyssa: What?

Ryan: Never mind.

Steven: What do you think? Bag it or try for it?

Ryan: Got it. Lets go.

(Steven holds Alyssa’s hand and they all run down the street dodging the zombies lunging at them.)

Ryan: This is crazy…

(the group soon leads into a small building at the end of the street)





Pawn Shop

Steven: Lock the door.

(Ryan locks the door.)

Alyssa: Are we going to stay here?

Steven: No, we have to keep moving. Everyone look around for weapons or anything to fight off these monsters.

(Pawn Shop Montage)

Ryan: I found a bat.

Alyssa: Well, i got some bullets.

Steven: Well, i found a…

(Steven pulls out a Mauser C-96 9mm parabellum.)

Steve: gun. I wonder if the bullets fit.

(The bullets fit right into the gun and Steven seems pretty excited.)

Steven: So does anyone have any plans?

Ryan: Lets try to get back to the orphanage to see if everyone there is ok.

Steven: Ok, do you think we can run it?

Ryan: Sure.

Alyssa: My legs kind of sting but i will be fine.

(They all exit the pawn shop in a slow motion style.)



Street

(Every thing is fine as they run pass the zombies until Alyssa trips next to a zombie. Ryan runs in and kicks the zombie but the zombie grabs him. Steven panics and tries to shoot the zombie but misses. He hits Ryan in the kneecap and blood goes every were.)

Ryan: Ahh Fuck!

Steven: Shit!

(The Zombie bites into Ryan’s collar and rips the flesh off. Steve answers with a shot in the zombies head)

Steven: Fuck! Are you ok?

Ryan: Ah. Help me up.

Alyssa: Here Ryan. Take this.

(Alyssa pulls out a cloth and he puts it on this collar. As tears pour out of his eyes Steven helps him up and they all walk him to the orphanage.)


#2

Orphanage

(The orphanage is empty and no one is in sight. They bring Ryan in and lay him down.)

Ryan: I cant believe i got shot. Now that i think about it its kind of funny.

(Ryan puts his head down and a tear pours from his eye.)

Steven: I’m so sorry. Is there any thing i can do for you?

(Alyssa brings him water and more cloth)

Ryan: In all the zombie movies after you get bitten you turn into one of them.

Ryan: You’ll take care of me when I go, won’t you, Steve?

Steven: Just rest, man. Save your strength.

Ryan: I don’t want to be walking around… like THAT!.. Steve… Steven?

Steven: I’m here, man!

Ryan: Don’t do it until you are sure I am coming back! I’m gonna try… not to… I’m gonna try… not to… come back. I’m gonna try… not to…

(Steven & Alyssa walk into the backyard and talk)

Steven: What are we going to do?

Alyssa: I don’t know

(Alyssa starts crying)

Steven: Whats that?

(They both look up as the camera pans to the factory but this time it has orange smoke)

Steven: I dont understand. Do you think it has something to do with the outbreak?

Alyssa: It could be.

(There back inside and they walk up to Ryan)

Steven: Come on man. Were getting out of here.

Ryan: Where are we going…

Steven: That chemical factory.

Alyssa: We might find out a reason for the zombies there and possibly a cure.

Ryan: You know if that place is responsible for these zombies it will be loaded with those fucking monsters.

Steven: Well i have 7 bullets left in my gun.

Alyssa: How are we going to get all the way over to the factory with his fucked up leg?

(Ryan points to the counter)

Ryan: The keys to the teacher’s car…

(Steven goes and grabs them and does a hand shot of the keys)

Steven: You ready?

Ryan: Yea…

(The two lift Ryan up and they support him as they go outside.)



Front Of The Orphanage



Steven: What type of car is it?

(Camera pans to a 1980s flat bed Toyota truck)

Steven: Put Ryan in the back with the gun. You drive Alyssa…

Alyssa: Are you sure.

Steven: I have to keep an eye on Ryan.

Ryan: I’ll get in the passenger seat and you shoot in the back.

Steven: Can you get in?

(They support Ryan in the car and once he’s in the seat he bends his leg and it makes a popping noise followed by a scream. Alyssa gets in the drivers seat and Steven gets in the bed and pulls out the gun. The car pulls away and drives down the street.)



Street to the Factory



(As they ride down the street they seen nothing)







Factory Front



(As the car comes to a screeching halt. Alyssa jumps out and Steven is confused. Ryan has turned into a zombie.)

Alyssa:(Scream)

Steven: What the fuck?

Alyssa: He’s on of them. Shoot him! Get it over with.

(Steven hesitates and a tear goes down his cheek. Ryan goes to attack him and he shoots. Ryan‘s brains go every were. The camera backs up with Steven and Alyssa standing side by side)

Alyssa: I’ll miss you Ryan…

(Steven goes over to his body and stands over it. They notice some zombies in a distance)

Steven: I think we should get going.

Alyssa: Good idea.

(Them walking inside the factory with a Steven Voiceover)

Steven Voiceover: I never thought I’d lose a friend that close. It kind of reminds me of the sad newcomers to the orphanage. They get over it around there third month. I just noticed that Alyssa had second thoughts about driving because of there parents not because of Ryan’s state of being. I still have lots to think about but i hope we find out some answers in this factory.

(The voiceover stops and it plays in the background sound of the part. It starts to fade in and the scene comes into play)


#3

Inside the Factory Hallway

(A long hallway is leading to one door. The hallway seems so perfect its strange.)

Older Voice: Your destiny lies passed this door.

Steven: Alyssa, did you hear that?

Alyssa: Yea, very strange.

(As they walk down the hall strange music plays)

Alyssa: I’m afraid…

(Steven opens the door and sees a man on the other side of the room looking straight at him. This man is in a white coat and has leather gloves on. He’s wearing black pants)



Factory Building



Older Man: Ah, you made it! How was your trip 'ere?

Steven: Who are you?

Older Man: My name is Dan…I’m the founder of this great corporation.

Steven: What does this corporation do?

Dan: Well, there is quite a long story to that. When i was around 20 years of age i left my wife to shed my passion on a new life. All my work and passion was going to waste. Its not that i did not love my wife it that i don’t believe she loved me but after her heart malfunctioned 6 years after i left her i knew that i was somehow responsible. I felt sorry. I felt miserable after that horrible day. I thought of things i could, crazy things. The thought came to my mind to bring my wife back, to play “god� as some would say. By the creation of this virus i can preserve organs and use them to cure others. I finally found a way to cheat death. All I wanted to do was shed light on my life and my wives.

Steven: You’re nothing but a sick old maniac.

Dan: That may be so but i still haven’t finished my story. Well i brought my wife back and she was not the same. It was like she was a demon. I had to kill her again. That’s when the corporation began. It was founded on my wives death. You see, i could only kill he by destroying her brain. Think of super solider that could only be taken down my there brains being scrambled. Its the war of the future. Its my vision.

Alyssa: You killed your wife?

Dan: I had to because she got blood thirsty. See, the great thing about these “monsters� is that they destroy there victims by eating them. Its the perfect solider. They could be mass produced because the people they kill get up and kill.

Dan: Hey, Steven…

Steven: How do you know my name?

Dan: Well don’t you see…

(A loud noise plays over his voice. Warning, the self-destruct system has been activated, all personnel should evacuate immediately, 5 minutes to detonation.)

Dan: What? Who activated it? They destroyed my dream. My vision is gone, i don’t have the override to the destruct system. I’m going to go down with the ship…

Steven: Trying to die with style? Forget it, you sick old man!

(Steven pulls out a gun and Dan pulls out his. There aiming at each other with faces of anger)

Dan: You see Steven. I’m your father…

Steven: What?

(A almost ghost like figure rushes into the room and cuts off Dan’s left arm. Blood goes every were. Right at that instant Dan pulls the trigger and hits Steven in the left arm.)

Alyssa: What the fuck?

Dan: (Scream)

Steven: (Scream)

(The ghost like figure comes out of the shadows and cuts Dan’s head off.)

Steven: Alyssa! Run! Get out of here before this building explodes.

(Alyssa sheds a tear and then runs off.)



Blank Screen

(You hear the destruct system thing again and then a big explosion.)



Front of Building

(The camera is out front of the building and is looking towards it. Steven is put on the ground by this mysterious figure.)

Mysterious figure: Brother, I’ll never leave you.

( Sad song starts to play and the figure runs away. Steven wakes up and walks over to Alyssa. They both walk off into the sunset)



Black Screen

PRINT: Written & Directed by SONOFSVEN

Credits Roll (The song Dissociative Identity plays)



PRINT AFTER CREDITS

You mustn’t allow yourself to be chained to fate, to be ruled by your genes. Human beings can choose the kind of life that they want to live. What’s important is that you choose life… and then live.


#4

Aside from formatting errors:



Misuse of the voice over. You’re draining any sort of mystery or suspense from any of the characters. You’ll keep the audiences a lot more interested revealing that exposition through actual drama.



A lot of the dialogue seems very wooden and forced. For some reason I had a hard time picturing an orphan saying this, “Ryan: Ok, well we better get back to the orphanage in time. I don’t want to get in trouble again.” That just sounds fake.

[quote]Orphanage

(late at night)

(Noise making a smacking sound at the window)

(Alyssa wakes up and hears the sound. She slowly moves over to the window. Once she opens the blinds a monster like creature is looking her right in her eyes not an inch away.)

Alyssa: (Scream)

(Steven wakes up and sees the monster. The monster is slow and is smashing against the window. Ryan wakes up and all the kids are in a panic)

Steven: What the fuck is it?

(During this time Alyssa is continues to scream)

Ryan: Its like a zombie.

(The window brakes and the zombie falls through. Alyssa is in the corner crying)

Steven: Fuck! We have to get out of here.

(Steven grabs Alyssa’s hand and Ryan follows. They all run out the door)



Street

(The kids ran down the dark street and headed for the clubhouse)





Club House

(They are all frightened and Alyssa is shacking.)

Ryan: Straight up, this sucks ass. What the hell is going on?

Alyssa: I…went up…to the window…and it was looking at…at…me.

Steven: Are you sure it was not just some drug addict?

Alyssa: It had no fucking eye!

Ryan: It was a zombie!

Steven: Come on. You can’t be serious. Zombies are things you read about in books and watch in movies. Nothing more than fiction.

Ryan: It was not just fiction. I saw it with my own fucking eyes!

Alyssa: We can’t just stay here. We have to do something about it.

Steven: Do you think there is any more?

Ryan: Possibly…

Steven: Its almost daylight. Lets stay here till daylight.

(Terminator style daylight flash)
[/quote]

And that… well that was just laughable



Also, a lot of the scenes you have are meaningless and don’t do anything for the plot moving forward. There has to be a meaning for every scene, a lot of these 10 second scenes you revealed in the voice over anyway. It’s redundant.



If these are the main characters (which I assume they are), then you have some major flaws. For one: They’re dull, bland, boring and everything I’ve seen before, but a 100x worst.

For two: I don’t feel anything for them. Right now I couldn’t give a shit about whether they die or not.

For three: You haven’t developped them enough. Right now, when I read the name “Steven,” there’s not an image that springs to my head. They’re faceless; or in a way, “nonexistant.”



I strongly suggest you read as many books on the subject as you can, and learn. It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to read professionally written screenplays.



Didn’t mean to be harsh, but that’s the truth. I hope it helped.


#5

Thanks for reading it. I understand what your saying. I was very repetive and had very little detail and most of all the dialoge sucked. You mentinoed about professional screen plays. Do you know where i can get and of the Dollar movies, Pulp Fiction, Dawn of the dead and meaby Dario Argento’s Susperia.

Thanks for the concrustive criticim. I’ll work harder on my next screen play.


#6

I have to agree with delivery. Your main character’s aren’t defined or strong enough to stand out in a screenplay. Keep working on it, it’s an ok start.