Aside from formatting errors:
Misuse of the voice over. You’re draining any sort of mystery or suspense from any of the characters. You’ll keep the audiences a lot more interested revealing that exposition through actual drama.
A lot of the dialogue seems very wooden and forced. For some reason I had a hard time picturing an orphan saying this, “Ryan: Ok, well we better get back to the orphanage in time. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t want to get in trouble again.” That just sounds fake.
(late at night)
(Noise making a smacking sound at the window)
(Alyssa wakes up and hears the sound. She slowly moves over to the window. Once she opens the blinds a monster like creature is looking her right in her eyes not an inch away.)
(Steven wakes up and sees the monster. The monster is slow and is smashing against the window. Ryan wakes up and all the kids are in a panic)
Steven: What the fuck is it?
(During this time Alyssa is continues to scream)
Ryan: Its like a zombie.
(The window brakes and the zombie falls through. Alyssa is in the corner crying)
Steven: Fuck! We have to get out of here.
(Steven grabs AlyssaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s hand and Ryan follows. They all run out the door)
(The kids ran down the dark street and headed for the clubhouse)
(They are all frightened and Alyssa is shacking.)
Ryan: Straight up, this sucks ass. What the hell is going on?
Alyssa: I…went up…to the window…and it was looking at…at…me.
Steven: Are you sure it was not just some drug addict?
Alyssa: It had no fucking eye!
Ryan: It was a zombie!
Steven: Come on. You canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t be serious. Zombies are things you read about in books and watch in movies. Nothing more than fiction.
Ryan: It was not just fiction. I saw it with my own fucking eyes!
Alyssa: We canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t just stay here. We have to do something about it.
Steven: Do you think there is any more?
Steven: Its almost daylight. Lets stay here till daylight.
(Terminator style daylight flash)
And that… well that was just laughable
Also, a lot of the scenes you have are meaningless and don’t do anything for the plot moving forward. There has to be a meaning for every scene, a lot of these 10 second scenes you revealed in the voice over anyway. It’s redundant.
If these are the main characters (which I assume they are), then you have some major flaws. For one: They’re dull, bland, boring and everything I’ve seen before, but a 100x worst.
For two: I don’t feel anything for them. Right now I couldn’t give a shit about whether they die or not.
For three: You haven’t developped them enough. Right now, when I read the name “Steven,” there’s not an image that springs to my head. They’re faceless; or in a way, “nonexistant.”
I strongly suggest you read as many books on the subject as you can, and learn. It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to read professionally written screenplays.
Didn’t mean to be harsh, but that’s the truth. I hope it helped.