Yeah, I get what you’re saying but you can be just as descriptive
with less words. All the short sentences kind of kill any chance of it
it being a fluid read. For example"
[quote]The heavy breathing becomes softer and softer to a silence as they continue to run away.
Silence. Not a sound.
A few moments of silence pass.[/quote]
You told us it was silent four times in four sentences. It’s just those
little things that can really help tighten your script. Even if you’re writing
it to make yourself it’s easier on the actors if it reads fast and fluid.