You’re a good writer. It’s just that you need more punch in your dialogue and your action needs to be based in the here and now. No “ing’s” if you can help it. He isn’t standing outside. he ‘stands’ outside. Things like that.
Remember, everything is visual. We can’t see what they are thinking. Make your facial descriptions more elaborate. So we can visualize what their faces look like without guessing what they are thinking. Something like: Charles’ face lit up like a christmas tree. not a great example, but colorful and something the reader can identify with and helps too keep his interest.
I didn’t care about any of your characters. no one was interesting. and the news reports droned on and on and on. Get to the point. Move the story on with more action. Just move the story on.
A bit harsh at the end, but that’s what I thought. You can write, long hand. Novel style. But you need to adapt that too screenplay style a bit more. That’s all.
That’s just my opinion.
