I’ve been working on this script for a while, I’ve finished my written draft and am working on my typed where I’m beginning to change alot. can I get some opinions, comments or suggestions. My main question I guess is with dialogue, although some of it is voiceover(I know I’ve heard that it’s kindof a lazy way to do dialogue, but it just feels right so I’m going to go with it for now). This looks like it’s going to be the first script I’ll ever finish.
The setup is this. Curtis works as an actor on a show called Helen’s Mystic, that is kindof like an American Gothic/Twin peaks type show. He’s beginning to suspect some sort of conspiracy surrounding him based on previous events.
EXT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER THAT NIGHT
CURTIS is walking towards his car in the lowly populated garage. He turns around, checking to see if he’s being watched. He sees no one, and continues to the car.
Little to his knowledge someone is watching him from a dark corner of the garage. The figure inside it lights up a cigarette, and starts the car after CURTIS has started his.
EXT. LA STREETS - CONTINUOUS
Driving along, CURTIS realizes he’s being followed. He speeds up and weaves in and out of traffic in order to lose it, but fails. He pulls his car over into a gas station parking lot, gets out, and walks around to his trunk. When other car pulls up behind him, he walks over to it holding a golf club.
CURTIS
(yelling)
Hey, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?
Get out! Get out!
The mysterious driver rolls his windows down and throws one of his hands out.
THE PATRIOT
Easy, easy. It’s alright, I’m not after you.
I just want to give you something.
CURTIS
What would that be?
The figure gets out, holding his hands up defensively, he’s an old man in his sixties. He starts to reach back inside his car.
CURTIS
Stay there.
THE PATRIOT
No funny business, I swear. You can just
put the 9 iron away.
THE PATRIOT pulls out a thick black binder, and throws it on his hood.
THE PATRIOT
I think you might want to look through that.
I’ve been watching you too. I’d like to
help you.
CURTIS picks the binder up and inspects it.
CURTIS
Who are you?
THE PATRIOT
For now, just call me the Patriot.
CURTIS
What is this?
THE PATRIOT
Something that I suggest you read through
tonight. If you’d like to talk about it,
meet me tomorrow, instructions are on the
inside.
THE PATRIOT gets back in his car, and starts it. As he slowly rolls by CURTIS, he lets his passenger window down.
THE PATRIOT
Don’t speak to anyone about it, and keep that
safe.
He drives off.
INT. CURTIS’S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
CURTIS is flipping through the pages of the binder, enthralled by what he’s reading.
CURTIS (V.O.)
Pages upon pages of articles, studies, and
conspiracy theories. On the supposed
secret experiments conducted by our government.
Philadelphia, Montauk, UFO’s, weather
manipulation, mind control, time travel;
the stuff of overactive minds, and Hollywood
blockbusters.
Several images of movies, and conspiracy ludicrous’s.
CURTIS (V.O.)
Papers, authorizing scientific testing on
prisoners of war, these appearing to be top
secret CIA documents. There were alternate
histories, family lineages from as far back as
the dark ages to present day. Charts displaying
the links between Hollywood, the news media,
political figures, religious heads, global industrialists,
and terrorist organizations.
Several images from around the world.
CURTIS (V.O.)
Articles written for conspiracy papers about
secret societies, and plans for a world government controlled
by the elite. This was known in conspiracy circles as the New
World Order, or NWO. One such essay concerned a covert project
named Revolution 9. The powerful, it seemed, held a penchant for
Beatles songs. Separately, all these things may have seemed
ludicrous, but together, contained in one folder,
they began to make a sort of twisted sense.
CURTIS comes to files about himself.
CURTIS (V.O.)
Then I came to my own part in this. Everything
thoroughly detailed, and documented. Who ever had
compiled it must have known more about me, than I did
about myself. With my past laid out before me, I
pondered all night over the meaning of it all.
He comes to the last page, a yellow paper with “6:30AM Marlin’s Café � written on it. Closes the notebook, falls back in his seat, and sighs.
INT. DINER - NEXT MORNING
CURTIS walks in and sits down at the bar. He looks around for the PATRIOT, but doesn’t see him. He waits.
INT. DINER - SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
Eyeing his surroundings, he finally finishes his meal, pays, and gets up to leave.
EXT. DINER PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
When CURTIS gets to his car he finds a note on the handle.
INSERT - NOTE
You were tailed. Drive around to the back.
I’ll be waiting.
He meets the PATRIOT in the back of the café. The man gets into CURTIS’s car.
THE PATRIOT
Did you read through the files I gave you?
CURTIS
I did.
THE PATRIOT
You must have a lot of questions then?
(beat)
Well, shoot.
CURTIS
Who are you? Who are you really?
THE PATRIOT
My name is Charles Raines, I’m a reporter.
Been after the people you read bout for half
my life.
CURTIS
What do you want from me? I mean what does
any of it have to do with me? Why are there
files about me in there?
THE PATRIOT
Isn’t it obvious? You’re dealing with some
very dangerous people. Your show is a small
part of a it.
CURTIS
But how?
THE PATRIOT
It’s being used as a tool to condition society
for the future social state. I also have reason
to believe it’s being used as coded briefings
between lead organizers of the NWO. I’ve been
looking for someone involved with the show, who
was not aware of the conspiracy. I facts, dates
names, to help me expose it.
CURTIS
This is crazy. I don’t know you. How do I know
you’re not some stalker or mental patient? You
know, I googled some of the papers you gave me,
a lot of neo-nazi’s believe in that stuff.
THE PATRIOT
It’s true, I have some unsavory allies, but you’ve
got to believe that this is real. With these
people, these Zionists or whatever you call them,
what they do is demonize the mere suggestion that
they’re pulling something over us. They’ll label
you an Anti-Semite, or White Supremacist, or
Neo-Nazi, and automatically you’re discredited
for questioning them. You’ve seen it.
CURTIS
I don’t know. It just sounds too far fetched.
THE PATRIOT
Alright, but tell me this. Don’t you feel like
somebody is directing your life? Ever since
college you’ve been their errand boy in one way
or another. It’s all in those files, just think
about it for a minute. Curtis, I’ve given you
30 years worth of information in one night.
When I was first got involved in this I didn’t
believe it either. It took time for me, but
you’re much closer to this than I ever was.
You’ve had to have noticed how much shakier the
world gets every year.
CURTIS
I have,…but it’s just too much. You said they
were using my show? How?
THE PATRIOT
It’s really pretty easy, if you know what to look
for. You, you’re character represents the
government, or what the government would be
without boundaries. You’re kind and friendly,
though, despite taking the law into your own hands,
a true servant of the people. Think Dirty Harry’s
softer side. Helen’s Mystic was a self-governing
haven, before you came into it. It’s ties to the
otherworldly, is a metaphor for our ties to the
morals and values we live by. The supernatural
elements, ghosts, of coarse are to blame for evil,
in other words out ties to the old ways are evil.
such as ghosts.
CURTIS
I suppose you could look at it that way, but I
think you’re only seeing what you want to.
THE PATRIOT
Wake up, Curtis. All entertainment serves them,
you’re not excluded. America is the Mecca of
the entertainment industry around the world.
You think it’s a coincidence that we’re the
center of the world’s government? They’ve kept
everyone so busy with entertainment and wars of
ideas, that we’ve all been blind to what they’re
doing. Look, I need you’re help for this, will
you help me?
INT. MOTEL ROOM - PRESENT
CURTIS is where we left him, sleeping in bed next to SIMONE. The tv across from them is playing “The Smurfs.�
CURTIS (V.O.)
All entertainment serves them.
As a child, I remember watching Papa Smurf
with all his wisdom, guide a utopian society.
All of the Smurfs were equals, happily willing
to surrender their identities for the greater good
of the whole village. Maybe we do see only what
we want to, but maybe, just maybe all of the dots,
Ruby Ridge, Waco, the Oklahoma City Bombing, the two
attacks on the World Trade Center, the two Gulf
Wars, the patriot act, and almost everything that
came before, after, and in between, did add up.
sorry about the formatting, some of it screwed up for some reason.
I have a few other segments that take place before hand if anyone’s interested. I started this post, cause I think the last one died.
http://www.tarantino.info/forum/index.php?topic=5175.0
The v.o’s are too long. The story seems like it could be intriguing, but all the v.o’s take away from what it could become. Patriot is definately a character to build upon. He seems like he could be strong. Curtis, the lead, is boring. Give his some panash. Some personality. V.O’s that you have can do it, but pick language carefully. And don’t have too many. Think Harrison Ford in Blade Runner. Excellent V.O’s. Short, sweet and character defining.
Your action descriptions tell too much of what the character is thinking. We can’t see what he thinks. Show action. Only what we can see. And keep it short.
You’ve got a lot to cover. But don’t give away too much in the beginning. Stray away from long conversations. If it can be said in fewer sentences and still get the point across, do so. No one is gonna sit around and read long dialog.
Overall. You’ve got a nice building block for something good. The montage of visuals and articles may be a bit much in the beginning. Tone it down somewhat. Maybe cut down the length. You do have something good here with Patriot.
The segment on this thread, is around pg65-69, it’s kindof one of the scenes that is meant to lay out alot of stuff. I basically just posted a few scenes that I really liked, but didn’t give away too much about the story.
So do you think all of the VO’s are too long? I was going for a Scorcese/and Fight Club type of VO. By the montage, do you mean where he’s reading through the files? I do have a few more extensive montages that are going for a Bowling for Columbine type commentary of the times(takes place between 1993-2015). I do feel that I have a lot to do to develop Curtis’s character, one thing is that he’s very anal, hence the VO, I like the idea that he’s very articulate in his head, but to the outside world he’s a bystandard to everything, just floats along. I too like the Patriot alot, but unfortunately he isn’t a huge part of the story, he’s kindof like Deepthroat in X-files, he plants all the seeds when he’s around but has little to do with the overall story or it’s outcome. I’ve actually got several, I think interesting characters running through the story, like a cryptic cellmate who sings Johnny Cash, Radiohead, and Bob Dylan.
As far as my action describing what he’s feeling is it just stuff like this?
CURTIS is flipping through the pages of the binder, enthralled by what he’s reading{/tr}
Is noting specific actions like “eyeing this” or “takes a deep breath” included?
Or are you also talking about the dialogue flat out saying too much about the character?
Right now I’m on page 90 typed, I hope I can end it by 125, but might not be finished until 140 so I definately will have to shorten it down, if not alot, at least some.
Thanks for the advice. I may post more on this thread as it develops. I’ve already used this thread alot through this script, and my last attempt, this one feels like it’s full steam ahead to getting finished into something, so I’m sure I’ll keep frequenting it for advice.
I pretty much echo what roulette has said. I’m also looking forward to reading more. Keep up the good work
Thanks for your encouragement. Here is some more of what I have. This is with Patriot.
It may not make total sense (the disk is kind of a McGuffin, I put in to this second draft).
This is around pages 89 to 91. Here it is.
INT. MARLIN’S CAFÉ
CURTIS, disguised in ratty clothes and unkept hair, is sitting at the bar, eating.
He gets up and heads to the bathroom, goes inside a stall, stands on the toilet and slides a ceiling panel over. He reaches in and pulls out the disk.
CURTIS (V.O.)
Though part of my memory had been fried,
there were some things they couldn’t take
away from me. I held strong to the
location of the disk.
EXT. A BUSY PARKING LOT - LATER THAT DAY
CURTIS is in THE PATRIOT’S car.
THE PATRIOT
I don’t get it. It’s nothing, just
gibberish. I’m not even sure that it’s
even code. I don’t have a program to
crack it, if it is.
CURTIS
Are you sure? As soon as they found out
about it, their focus switched from you to
the disk.
THE PATRIOT pops the disk out of his notebook computer and hands it back to CURTIS.
THE PATRIOT
I don’t know what to tell you. Could be
some kind of keycard. I can’t use it, it
doesn’t prove anything.
He reaches for his glove box to pull out a thick bundle of papers, and hands it to CURTIS.
THE PATRIOT
I put some money in there for you, to get
you to Hovington. Now, I’m not going to
sugarcoat this, these people are…well to
say the least stuck in their ways. They’re
bigoted, and intolerant of anyone who doesn’t
share their slant on the world. The upshot
though, is they look after their own, so
you’ll be safe.
EXT. OUTSIDE HOVINGTON - DAYS LATER
A car pulls up to a lone gravel road surrounded by forest. CURTIS gets out, and begins to walk down it. He passes a wooden sign that says “Hovington� on it.
THE PATRIOT (V.O.)
Just, keep a low profile, laugh at their
jokes and smile. Let them believe that
you’re one of them, shouldn’t be hard for
you, being an actor.
As he walks down the road he sees several people staring at him unflinchingly. He goes to the first house he comes to, and knocks on the door.
REVEREND WADE
Hold on. Hold on just a second. I’m comin’
goddamn it.
REVEREND WADE, a short old man with a face covered in hair, opens the door.
REVEREND WADE
Eh, yeah?
CURTIS
Are you Reverend Wade?
REVEREND WADE
Guilty. What’s this about?
CURTIS
I’m Lester Coggs, sir. Raines sent me.
REVEREND WADE
(smiles)
Well, why didn’t you say so? Come in,
goddamn it. How is ole Raines? Well,
don’t just stand there, sit down, boy.
Make yourself comfortable.
REVEREND WADE runs back to the kitchen. Behind him is a large flag, a mixture of a swastika and the rebel flag.
REVEREND WADE
(to his wife)
Mama, that boy’s here. Fix up some coffee.
(to Curtis)
So what did he tell you about all of us, huh.
That we’re a bunch of crazy extremist kept
up in the swamps.
CURTIS
No, not really. He said you were good
people, just looked at things a little
differently than the rest of the country.
REVEREND WADE
True enough. You know, I been tryin’ to get
him out here for years, it’s one of the few
places where you can breathe the air the way
god meant it. But goddamn it, I think he’s just
too much of a liberal to really get mixed up with
our sort. The things he’s done for the cause
though, we’re happy to take you in.
CURTIS
I appreciate it sir. I’m happy to be here.
EXT. HOVINGTON ROAD - LATER
REVEREND WADE and CURTIS are side by side walking down the road towards church service.
REVEREND WADE
That’s the Eagle’s Stop, it’s our restaurant,
bar, community center, you name it. Sister
Anne runs it, good woman.
CURTIS
I didn’t realize you had businesses here?
REVEREND WADE
Not really a business per say, we all live
within the confines of a collective pot,
we might barter but US money’s no good here.
CURTIS
I see.
REVEREND WADE
Yeah, a few hell raisers aside, we’re
mostly peace-loving folk here. We keep
to ourselves. Instead of those idiot boxes,
we hold sermon every night. Are you a
religious man, Les?
CURTIS
Not as much as I should be?
REVEREND WADE
None of us are, but we try. You just gotta
hope god’s still up there listening, with
all the sinnin’ that’s goin’ on out there.
I set this place up in 82 to get away from
that. These days you just can’t trust the
world. The governments stickin’ it’s nose
in places it has no business stickin’ it.
Blowin’ it’s own people to shit. There’s
a storm brewin’ out there, and World War 3’s
not far around the bend.
CURTIS
Don’t you mean World War 4, sir?
REVEREND WADE
S’that
CURTIS
Well, I always felt that 3 was the Cold War.
REVEREND WADE
S’pose it was. I like you son, you’re gonna
fit fine here, we need some more sharp
shooters like yourself around. Now, lets go
inside, I’ll show you to the rest of the town.
They walk into the church.
---------------------------------------------------
Oh, and just in case this is taken wrong. I want to put a disclaimer on this, and make sure no one thinks I’m some kind of racist. Rev Wade is a character who is very ignorant and racist, and I don’t agree with his views. The Patriot, however is not racist, he just knows alot of racist people due to his paranoid beliefs of the NWO.
You don’t have to explain. When you write a character, it is not a reflection on your own personal feelings towards things.
I am sure others in here will agree
that’s how I feel too. But just in case I didn’t want the thread to turn ugly. sometimes they can.
It needs more cowbell…
[quote=“Bad Max”]
It needs more cowbell…
[/quote]
hahahahaha! 8)
Listen to mister Dickenson!
Here’s a new scene I just wrote. What do you think?
EXT. HOVINGTON THE COUNTRY- YEARS LATER
CURTIS and RUEHL are kneeling against a wall of sand bags side by side, both aiming rifles directly at us. RUEHL lines the shot and fires.
RUEHL
So Les, how do you like it here?
Adjusting alright?
CURTIS
Uh yeah, everyone’s been great, I never
knew you could be so free.
CURTIS shoots, misses his target and curses.
RUEHL
What do you mean?
CURTIS
Well you know, the air and land is clean,
untouched. No one owns us or tells us what
to do.
RUEHL
Oh.
RUEHL fires.
RUEHL
You know, I don’t really believe you, Les.
CURTIS
Why? What don’t you…
RUEHL
You keep to yourself here, I’ve noticed.
Some of these hicks make my skin crawl, I
understand. That’s why I invited you here.
CURTIS
Their not that bad as a whole. Just…
RUEHL
Please. Wade, that fuckin’ cornbread fossil.
D’you see that white trash rebel flag he has
hangin’ in his house? Like that! Makes me
fucking sick. His kind will be dead and gone
though soon enough. Good thing too, they
make us look like a bunch of goddamned imbeciles.
RUEHL fires two rapid shots.
RUEHL
Ha. Got it. Die you Fascist fucks!
(to Curtis)
Did you see that? One in the head, one in
the heart. Now that’s pro shooting?
CURTIS
I can’t hit shit.
RUEHL
S’okay Les, you’ve only been practicing for
how long?
CURTIS
Six months. I mean I’m okay with a pistol
but rifles just kind of fuck me up.
RUEHL
First of all, fuck the pistol. Those are for
gangs. Point blank, just aim and click. No
skill involved. Rifles. To master a rifle is
an art. Now shoot. Let me see.
CURTIS fires, then curses again.
RUEHL
Easy, easy. It’s going to take some time, but
I’ll help you. First, you’ve got buck fever.
CURTIS
What?
RUEHL
Everything you do affects your aim. This
includes the most minimal movements like breathing
or your heart rate. First thing you have to do
is control those. Now, I want you to relax,
you’re too uptight. Try again.
CURTIS gets ready for another shot.
RUEHL
Relax…Breathe in and out, just like you
would without the rifle. I want you to think
of nothing, think only of what you must do.
CLOSE UP - CURTIS presses his finger on the trigger.
RUEHL
Focus on your mark. I want you to feel it,
I want you to smell it…And fire.
CURTIS fires and hits his target.
CURTIS
Wow.
RUEHL
Now you do that every time, even if you’re
hurried. Then, you’ll be one step closer
to deadly.
Based off of that last few entries, how does Ruehl and Wade play to you guys? I’m currently on pg 98 but feel that the script has kindof gotten stuck in an uncomfortable place, the writing is going extremely slowly now. Just wanted to know if anyone had any input on this whole topic, writing, or characters.
Okay, things got ugly and the script came to a complete standstill at page 100( yeah that’s right). Good news is, after a few months I’m ready to go back into that world and give it another crack. I gave it a different intro that I think works a little better (and my wife seems to think is alot better), and am just trying to retell the story. I’m on page 5 and haven’t yet used VO’s, don’t know if I will. I may have to, given the amount of detail I have put into the story. There are a few things that I may take a different angle on, based on my current mood and/or experience. So wish me luck.
Anyway, I haven’t heard any feedback for a while. So If anyone has any more opinions, or suggestions based on what I’ve posted on this thread and the other one
<LINK_TEXT text=“http://www.tarantino.info/forum/index.p … 175.0.html”>http://www.tarantino.info/forum/index.php/topic,5175.0.html</LINK_TEXT>
then I’d love to hear them. Thanks again.
Are you on a roll? Are you pushing it too hard? Are your words sounding forced? From what I read the dialogue isn’t very natural. It’s good, just not flowing. Take a week off if it’s not coming easy and you’re stuck.
I took a year off when it became complicated… I’m not suggesting you take a year off. Just take a deep breath. You sound a bit frantic.
Here’s a quote from another topic. It’s great to want feedback. And people are willing to give it, but…
"You can’t just tell us your basic plot and let us write your script. A script is something personal, if we write it for you, it won’t be yours."
It’s not your script if we keep giving you advice on each section you write. Feel confident in each page you write. Feel confident as a writer.
[quote=“roulette67”]
Here’s a quote from another topic. It’s great to want feedback. And people are willing to give it, but…
“You can’t just tell us your basic plot and let us write your script. A script is something personal, if we write it for you, it won’t be yours.”[/quote]
Ahah I feel honored, cause I wrote this quote 8)
Then if I can help more, I know what it is to be stuck with a script, but I know too how you’ll feel even more proud if you write it by yourself and only ask for feedbacks only when you’re done with it.
And listen to Roulette67, you’ll always have good advices, and as it has been said, take a break, inspiration will come with the time, it’s good to think over and over and stay focused when you feel nothing will happen. You need distance, you need fresh air, then you’ll have again ideas !
Well right now, I’m pretty much restarting without really looking at my old stuff. I have most of the basic plot points in my head right now, so a lot of the dialogue is probably gonna be different. Who knows, when(and if) I finish this one, I’ll probably go back to my original drafts and pick out some of the stuff that I think still resonates(if anything does).
Don’t get discouraged. Relax and plug away. It’ll come.