I thought it would be fun to make up our own QT Archives screenplay for The Vega Brothers film that was never made (Thank God!!). This script can go into any kind of movie genres you want: Comedy, Action, Crime, Adventure, Sci-Fi, Horror, Drama etc etc. It must revolve around Vincent and Toothpick Vic Vega though and take place in QTs “Realer Than Real World” Universe. You can cut to other characters in other places, but try to keep it as close to the Bros life as possible. Happy writing and have fun!
NOTE: If you dont know screenplay lingo, just write what you want it to look like in regular terms. This script isnt meant to be serious, just something to have a good time with. Noone wants to see a Vega Brothers film anyway!
"THE VEGA BROTHERS"
Screenplay by The QT ARCHIVES GROUP
based on characters created by Quentin Tarantino
Over Black we hear the sounds of a child crying like a banshee.
FADE IN:
BLACK & WHITE. WE ARE IN 1950s BROOKLYN NEW YORK. AN APARTMENT IN A NICE TENEMENT.
We see a small child with a mop of fake looking “Baby Toupee” black hair aiming a gun at his younger brother, who also has the fake “Baby Toupee” black hair and has a toothpick hanging out of his mouth, drool dribbles onto the floor. This brat aint happy.
A short fat older Italian man (the boys’ father), VINCENT “VINNIE” VEGA Sr (to be played by Joe Pesci) runs into the room and screams at the older boy.
VINNIE: VINCENT! SON OF A-MOOK! I told you not to shoot that mutha-fuckin gun at Lil Vicky!
Vincent Jr: But Pop, Vicky stole my Dick Tracy watch!
VINNIE: I dont give a ratsazz if he stole it from the Pope! You dont shoot that fuckin gun at Vicky!
Vinnie Sr grabs the gun and throws it out the window…
CUT TO:
A bald Asian man in black n white suit walking down the street. He gets hit off the head with the gun and falls down.
CUT TO APARTMENT
Vincent Sr (screams at Vinnie Jr): Guns arent fockin toys! Your uncle Vito got his guts blown out by some wack job just last munt (month), I dont ever wanna see you playin wit guns no more! If your mudda were here…
Vincent Sr trails off and looks at Vinnie Jr who he can see is saddened. Vinnie Sr forgets his anger and hugs both his son. We see Vincent Jr smile in a strange way. Lil Vicky drools some more.
FADE TO BLACK
INTRO CREDITS:
Cool 50s rockabilly music plays as we see montage of The Vega Family (Vincent Sr, Jr, Vic) doing different things: Backyard BBQs, Football Games, Mobster Gatherings. We see pictures of Vinnie Sr with Vinnie Jr and Vic as they get older and grow into their teens, then young men, then adults. We see the funeral of Vinnie Sr and the last shot in the opening montage is the front of the late Vincent Srs “Vega & Sons” Club. Vincent and Toothpick Vic are standing in front smiling. They arent wearing black and white suits, but more casual Brooklyn NY clothes. The songs ends and we fade to black again…µ
TITLE CARD: BROOKLYN 1990
FADE IN
WE SEE THE OUTSIDE OF THE VEGA AND SONS SOCIAL CLUB IN COLOR.
Cars drive by outside of club and we move closer to the door and we hear Dean Martin’s “Thats Amore” playing loudly. The club is closed but the cook Lou (played by Dom DeLuise) is in the back making some delicious food for tonight’s guest. Don Cocci, the local mafia capo.
CUT TO:
CU on man’s hands making raviolis. He dips his hand in flour and twists the pasta confections and places each one on the board.
Vincent Vega walks into the kitchen, hes dressed in a black trenchcoat with nice Armani suit under it.
Vincent: Hey Lou, hows my favorite uncle?
Lou: What do ya need Vincent?
Vincent: Wait a min-
Lou: I’m busy, I dont have time to bullshit right no w.
Vincent: Ok. I need you to make a cake for this girl. Write HAPPY BIRTHDAY GINA on it.
(CUT TO LOU FANTASY SHOT OF him writing Happy Birthday Vagina on cake)
CUT BACK TO REALITY:
Lou: You know we got Don Cocci tonight.
Vincent: I know, I know but I need this thing. Please.
Lou: I only got two fuckin hands here kid. Not three, TWO.
V i ncent: Thanks Lou, youre the best.
Lou: I’m the best huh? Ya fuckin lyin prick ya.
On the jukebox we hear some cheesy 70s disco music come on. Vincent smil es and dances as he walks out the door.
CUT TO:
WAREHOUSE in SOHO, NY.
A group of men sit a round and play cards.
Toothpick Vic Vega is in an office adjacent to the card players talking on the phone. Vic is wearing his usual casual attire: 50s bowlin g shirt, Dingo cowboy boots and a nice black leather jacket.
Vic: Alright Joe. Everythings set, we got the whole shipment ready to go, just a few last checkups and…tell Nice Guy I said to take his head out of his ass. Thanks Joe.
Vic hangs up the ph one and yells out:
Vic: Hey Billy! get in here!
Billy: Whats up Vic?
Vic: Tell the guys to ge t down to O’Connors Bar and get the money he owes us. We arent playing games anymore. If that fuckin Mick doesnt have that green, I want you to stick his head in a fuckin toilet…and not a clean toilet. Tell Joey to go down to Mama Rosie’s Pizzaria and g et an extra large Meatball sub. Then give him plenty of beer. Time it right so he can take a gargantuan dump. .
Billy: Heh, Gargantuan. I like that. Gargan tuan. WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS! Ya ever seen that movie? I loved it! These two huge fuckin ape fuckin things go at it right —
Vic takes out a pack of Red Apples and goes to light his cigarette but he cant find his lighter.
Vic: You got a light?
Billy: S ure.
Billy lights Vics cigarette.
Vic: You’re a good kid Billy. I’ll make sure to tell Don Cocci how you’re doing. If this thing with Joe Cabot works out, I may even have another big job for ya out i n Long Beach.
Billy: Heyyy thanks Vic. I wont let y a down. (he backs out the door, very enthused) I promise!
Vic: You got it.
Vic looks at Billy and puffs on his cancer stick then coughs and hacks and mumbles.
Billy turns around and his facial expre ssion changes from excited to serious then a strange smirk…
Goomba #1 aka Joey Clams at cardtable makes a face like hes just discovered the most nasty stench ever.
Joey Clams: What the fuck is dat smell?
Billy: Sorry, I farted.
Goomba #2: You fahhted?
Billy: I cut the cheese, I fuckin fahhted ya fuck ya!
Goomba #3: Thats fuckin bad. Thats soooo bad.
Joey (spraying potpourri scent in air to get rid of Billy’s super bad fart stink): What did Vic have to say?
Billy: He wants us to pay a visit to O’Connors Bar and get the money. But first he wants yo u to eat a extra large meatball sub and lots of beer.
Joey: Huh?
Billy: I’ll explain in the car. To the Mobmobile gentleman!
We hear 60s Batman like music playing as the gang of goons drive through the city in a big pimped out Cadillac straight out of Superfly.
INT: O’CONNORS BAR
John J. O’Connor, an older man with white hair is yelling at the waitress for “dropping the fucking ball”. The waitress’ face is red and we see shes about to cry.
BEGIN OVER THE TOP MUSIC MONTAGE
(SHOT IN SLOW MOTION) We see Billy and The Mighty Mooks open up the door and walk into the place as Beastie Boys’ “So Whatcha Want” plays loudly and on beat. They are all dressed in red, white and green sweatsuits with matching Kangol hats.
(BACK TO REGULAR FILM SPEED)
(DOLLY SHOT)
The crazy but colorful Italian men grab O’Connor by his head and drag him to the backroom of the bar where they interrogate him.
CUT TO BACKROOM (set up in classic interrogation style with bright heat light in center of dark room):
We see all the men getting in his face and screaming, making obscene gestures, smacking him around, showing him pornographic photos of fat, hairy Russian women. O’Connor is in pain.
AS MUSIC CONTINUES WE CUT TO BLACK AND WHITE FLASHBACK:
(An hour earlier) JOEY CLAMS EATING A EXTRA LARGE MEATBALL SUB and GUZZLING BEER AND SODA. THE OTHER GOONS ALL CHEER HIM IN LAUGH. MAMA ROSIE WATCHES WITH A PROUD LOOK ON HER FACE.
CUT BACK TO PRESENT:
CU ON JOEY’S FACE as it SHOWS SIGNS OF IMPENDING INDIGESTION AND A HUGE DUMP ON DECK.
Again we see O’Connors face in anguish, sweaty and scared as the Goombas jump around and throw shit, hump the air etc…
Joey (burping): Guys, I think I’m ready.
Billy: You are?
Joey: Yeah and its a big one.
Joey belches gas again.
Billy: Noice! Get in the crapper!
Joey gets up and walks away and then men watch. After he gets around the corner we hear a large fart.
Billy: We want the money O’Conna! If you don’t give us the goddamn money you’re goin for a swim!
O’Connor: No! Please! I dont want to sleep with the fishes!
Billy: You wanna fuck with Vic Vega?! I’ll show ya who you’re fuckin with!
Joey: Yo guys! I’m done!
CUT TO INSIDE BATHROOM:
The guys all looking into the camera. We pan by each face. Billy is in shock, Angelo looks highly disgusted, Joey looks proud.
Joey: Well, what do ya think?
Billy: I, I…
Angelo: Ive never seen anything like that. I think I’m gonna be sick.
Billy: You gonna name it?
CUT TO:
We see inside the stall. The toilet bowl filled with a huge brown me atloaf.
(Heavenly church organ music plays loudly)
SHOCK CUT:
Men lifting up O’Connor and carrying him into bathroom. OConnor pleads and rambles on. The bathroom door closes. Silence…then a high pitched girl like screaming.
CUT TO:
CU of Don Cocci 's hand dunking his bread in Lou’s terrific tomato gravy. His plate is empty except for half a meatball.
INT- VEGA BROTHERS SOCIAL CLUB
Lou: Some more wine Godfather?
Don Cocci (to be played by Mel Brooks): No! No more. Lou, I’m: (motions his belly is full)!
Vincent: Godfather, me and Vic are honored that you came by tonight. Anything we can do for you, we are in your debt always (Vincent holds his hands together).
(Overly sentimental Italian music begins to play)
CU On Don Cocci’s face
Don Cocci looks as if hes going to speak but starts wildly coughing instead.
(Lou gets up and runs over to Don Cocci)
Lou: Godfather are you alright?!
Don Cocci: Yeah, I got one of those motherfuckin fennel seeds caught down…
Lou rolls his eyes.
Don Cocci (declares): More wine!
Lou fills up Don Cocci’s glass.
Don Cocci moves the glass, grabs the bottle and drinks it down. He finishes.
Don Cocci: Where was I?..Oh yes!
(overly sentimental Italian music begins playing again)
Don Cocci (now stoic): Vincent, when your father passed away…well before he passed away I promised him I would help you boys out. I didnt say anything about you Lou. hahahaha! just kidding Lou, ya old bastard…(stoic again) but I told him that I’d make sure you two boys would be alright. Your father was a good earner and a good friend. Did I ever tell you the story about when we used to get the whiskey from Canada?
Vincent: Uh, yes you did.
Don Cocci: What about when your father assassinated that Sicilian governor?
Vincent: Yes, I heard that one too Godfather.
Don Cocci: Okay, shit…what about the prostitute with the wooden leg?
Vincent: No I never heard that one.
CUT TO:
Lou pouring a big glass of wine for himself as Don Cocci trails off on his lurid story.
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